Loved
by Sia Later
Summary: Meghan Shepard's Logs of the journey to defeat the Collectors. Kaidan A./Shepard, Garrus V./Shepard. Rated M for language, violence and more.
1. Chapter 1

_I own nothing, I'm just playing in Bioware's sandbox._

**Prologue: The Funeral**

"We are assembled here today, to pay our final respects to our honored dead. Meghan Shepard gave her life to protect us all from annihilation at the hands of the geth," Ambassador Udina droned on and on. Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko shifted in his hard folding chair and scratched under the itchy collar of his Class "A" dress uniform, unable to focus on the words emanating from the obnoxious diplomat's mouth. The odious representative of Humanity's Alliance stood next to Shepard's empty, silver-bullet-shaped, Alliance-flag-draped coffin, a larger than life flatpic of her service portrait stood on an easel next to it. White and yellow roses, mockingly cheerful, lined the stage, placed strategically at the folds of the pale blue bunting in Alliance colors. Anderson was yet to speak, but the lieutenant was wondering if he could even sit through the newly minted First Human Councilor's speech either. The turian next to him shifted uncomfortably as well, his mandibles drooping in what passed as a frown. He tugged at the cowl neck of his cobalt-blue C-Sec uniform.

"Hearing that man speak of her just adds insult to injury," Kaidan muttered, his voice pitched for the turian's hearing. He and the C-Sec officer had come to an uneasy friendship, being the two people Shepard had brought the most on missions. It had helped when the rigid younger man started to relax and not be so arrogant around the mostly human crew. Especially after Shepard had helped him track down that mad scientist, Doctor Saleon.

The Infiltrator snorted. "I can just imagine her reaction to this."

The funeral was taking place in a quiet corner of the Presidium, its perpetually gentle summer tasteless in the extreme for the solemn proceedings; there should be rain for funerals. Or maybe punishing heat. The services were smaller than she deserved, too, in Kaidan's opinion. The few rows of seats, holding only Normandy's surviving crew, sat in front of a podium draped with the Alliance's pale blue flag. Joker, sitting on Kaidan's other side, muttered for both of the other men to hear, "Are you kidding? The only reason she never shot Udina was because he wasn't worth the bullet. That, and you'd disapprove, LT," the pilot's tone was bitter. They were shushed from behind by Doctor Chakwas.

Kaidan didn't know how he got through the rest of the funeral. Shepard's loss ate at him, a Singularity somewhere in his core, casting him adrift. The only other person in the crew who looked as miserable as he felt was the innocent-seeming Doctor T'Soni. But then, he remembered, the young asari had fallen for Shepard, hard, even forcing a confrontation in the communications room. Kaidan hadn't been a noble enough person to not feel triumph when Shepard had chosen him, but he had tried to be kind to the archaeologist when he'd "won."

And now, the best person he'd ever met had been sucked out into space and killed by a random encounter with an enemy about which they had little data. All because the man to his left was too stubborn. Kaidan clenched his fists again at that line of thought. It wasn't Joker's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. However, Kaidan couldn't shake the feeling that if he'd, just once, dammit, _just once_, disobeyed an order they wouldn't be sitting here, preparing to send a near empty casket into The Widow.

Before they'd brought the casket out, the six person ground team acting as pallbearers, they'd all stood around the metal tube and placed something in it that reminded them of her. Joker and Doctor Chakwas had joined them. Silently, Wrex had thrown in his favorite shotgun, then glared at them all and stalked away to wait for them to finish. Tali put in a small OSD and spun on her heel to wait alone. He thought he heard the girl weeping behind her face mask. In Shepard's absence, he supposed he was the ground team's most senior officer, but it didn't feel like it. He couldn't hold these people together like she had. Wrex, follow him? Unlikely, and only if he had enough credits. Garrus? Even less likely, the arrogant turian had softened somewhat, but not enough to listen to anyone but Shepard. The Alliance wouldn't let them stay anyway. Joker yanked his ball cap off and threw it into the casket. He glared at everyone left standing around the casket, daring them to say anything, before he turned on his crutches and shuffled away.

Doctor Chakwas wiped her eyes, "The old saying is far too true, Kaidan." Her cultured voice was pitched low for him, "Only the good die young." Kaidan couldn't reply, the mass in his throat wouldn't let him. The doctor stepped forward and placed something in the coffin. When Kaidan looked later, he realized it was an N7 patch. Was it from Shepard's own armor?

Kaidan met Garrus' eyes over the casket, the turian's mandibles were held tight against his jaw. His eyes closed as he set something gently onto the satin pillow. It was a flatpic of Shepard and Ashley on Virmire, the tropical sand spread out around them, the wind had pulled Shepard's bun loose and her pale golden hair flew out behind her like a flag, but Ashley wouldn't tolerate her brown hair being that unruly, it was still in its tidy bun. She and Ashley were laughing at something. He hoped that if there was a God, they were together with the Being in which they both believed.

He turned to look at Liara as the turian walked away, his head low. Liara met Kaidan's eyes. "She was the best person I ever met," she told the human biotic.

"Yes, she was," he managed to choke out, his voice cracking. If the asari showed any sympathy, he would lose it. His control was hair thin as it was. Weeks after her death, he still hadn't been able to cry. Which made him feel even worse. Didn't she deserve his tears at the very least?

"She loved you," the archaeologist told him.

His fingers clenched the edge of the empty coffin, "Don't. Liara. Please don't." He looked at her; he could feel his control slipping. Dark energy began to dance around his hands. The asari walked around the casket, her expression alarmed. The others turned in concern from where they'd retreated in their own grief. Liara pulled his hands off the side of the coffin and turned him to look at her. Her blue eyes met his, his sorrow mirrored there. She stepped closer and he found himself hugging the asari, his face buried against her slender shoulder. He couldn't stop shaking, but the flare of dark energy around his hands had subsided. Her blue skin was soft against his cheek and ear, and she smelled different, odd. But all of the sensory data was secondary to the need to wrench himself back under control. When he lost control, people died. Hell of a way to honor the woman he loved if he accidentally killed her people. Or, more likely, they had to kill him in self defense. Though death, right now, was preferable to the giant, gaping hole in his soul. Liara's thin fingers stroked his hair, her other hand rubbed his back, trying to comfort him. Her soft voice whispered, "And for you, she was Goddess." He stilled at that, his trembling ceasing. He clenched his eyes shut, hard, and took a deep breath. Straightening up, he looked at the young alien.

"Thank you, Liara," he said, his voice steadier. She stepped away and nodded. Turning, she placed a small silver bar in the casket, engraved with Prothean runes. He didn't ask what it was. He didn't think he'd have understood the answer. She walked over to where Tali stood facing the wall in the small room and put her arm around the quarian. Kaidan looked back at the coffin. He took a small black velvet box out of his pocket and opened it, looking inside one last time. He heard Doctor Chakwas gasp and put her hand to her mouth. It wasn't a ring though. He was willing to admit he'd fallen for Shepard, but he wasn't such a hopeless romantic that he'd propose after only a month as a couple, even if he couldn't imagine his life from this point forward without her in it. When she was alive, he felt like he could take on the Reapers by himself. Now, it stretched before him, colorless, sour, a black hole. In the small black velvet box laid the most perfect heart-shaped diamond solitaire he could afford on a lieutenant's salary hanging from a fine white gold chain. It was like her, hard and beautiful, multi-faceted and bright. It was only fitting it follow her into space. He closed the box and sat it next to the picture of her and Ashley on the empty satin pillow.

A smattering of applause brought him back to the present. Udina stepped down from the podium and Anderson took his place. As much as Kaidan respected his former captain, the eulogies were dragging on and struck him as hollow. As hollow as a casket with no body in it. "Shepard was a hero," Anderson began. "From her humble beginnings on Earth, to hunting down Saren and the geth and saving the Citadel, Meghan Shepard was an example of humanities' finest. She inspired all who knew her; she encouraged all who followed her…."

"_You're an idiot, Alenko." The contralto voice caught him off guard where he worked on the environmental systems panel. _

_He raised an eyebrow at her before wiping his forehead, "What did I do now?" _

_A dark blonde eyebrow quirked in response, "Rumor has it, you've got a hot girlfriend."_

_He laughed, stowing his tools and crossing his arms over his chest as he turned to face his commanding officer, "And how'd you hear that?"_

_A half-grin, her arms crossing under her breasts, drawing his attention to them until he'd wondered if she was wearing one of those lace bras she was so fond of, "Scuttlebutt."_

_He stepped closer to her, inhaling her musky perfume, the scent making his heart speed up, "Nah, I'd never do that to my commanding officer. I hear she's crazy jealous."_

_She tilted her face to his, and he glanced around behind her making sure they were alone, "With an ass like that, your commanding officer should be jealous."_

_He smiled against her lips, "You can tattoo, 'Property of Shepard,' across it anytime, Commander." Her lips were soft against his and parted eagerly, their tongues meeting. She'd tasted like spearmint and that indefinable taste that was simply Shepard._

After the ceremony, Kaidan found himself in Flux with the rest of the _Normandy_ survivors, leaning on the railing blocking off the patrons from the observation window overlooking the Wards. An untouched whiskey neat sat on the flat rail at his elbow. He'd gotten it for her. It was what she drank, when she allowed herself to relax that much.

Garrus stood next to him, leaning on the railing, drinking something non-alcoholic since he was still in uniform and on break from C-Sec. "I've been meaning to tell you, Vakarian, congratulations on getting back in to the service."

The turian nodded, looking into his glass, "I wish I'd been there, Alenko."

Kaidan's mouth twisted wryly as he looked into his own glass, "I was there. She would have ordered you on to that pod, too."

The C-sec officer turned his drink around in his hands, "I wouldn't have listened."

Kaidan smirked, "Tell yourself that all you want, Vakarian. You and I both know, you don't disobey Shepard. Even if it's to save her life." He winced inwardly when he noticed he was still speaking of her in the present tense.

The turian's mandibles flared then settled back against his cheeks as he drank, "You're probably right. Listening to her was second nature by the time we beat Saren."

"To the only order I will ever regret following," Kaidan toasted himself mockingly. He slugged back the whiskey, and resisted the urge to turn and throw it as hard as he could against the glass wall behind him.

Vakarian looked at him from under the lens of his scouter, "Like you said, after a while, you stopped questioning. Her orders always saved our asses." Kaidan knew they were both thinking of the Battle of the Citadel. _Saren's indoctrinated corpse lay twitching on the floor of the Council Chambers, and the Reaper Sovereign had just been shot to hell by the _Normandy_'s guns._ _Debris raining down, crashing all around them. One of the eight appendages of the thing managed to get sucked into the gravity well of the Citadel and headed straight for the Council Chambers. Kaidan stared at the falling piece of mechanical god and Shepard's voice snapped him back to reality, "RUN!" Her green eyes wide, her blonde hair falling around her shoulders, her face flushed from the heat of the battle. He didn't think, he just reacted and ran. Debris fell on them, him and Garrus, knocking him out for a few moments. When he came to, a young human C-Sec officer was helping him and Garrus to their feet. The two soldiers looked at each other and knew then that she was gone. _

"You know, it was probably one of the happiest moments in my life when she came crawling out of that debris with nothing more than a broken arm and a sprained ankle," Garrus said, saying what Kaidan was thinking as he set his empty glass down.

"I've been waiting for her to do the same thing, now," Kaidan admitted, quietly.

Garrus laughed, mirthlessly, in agreement. "Me, too. I've got to get back to work. Take care of yourself, Alenko." The two men shook hands and Garrus left Flux and the lieutenant nursing his second whiskey.

The turian headed back to his office, not looking forward to the mountain of paperwork that accompanied his job. He got into his closet of an office and closed the door behind him none too soon. The shaking started as he tried to reign in the need to pound the nearest wall, or scream out his anger. He clenched his jaw, bringing his mandibles flat against his cheeks and balling his hands up into fists. How could Alenko be so damned _calm_? But, he remembered the human biotic had had to learn that lesson the hard way. He, Shepard and Alenko had all been young when they took their first life. It does change a person. His control slipped, thinking of her, and he hit the wall next to the door anyway, his armored fist bouncing off it ineffectually.

He took a few deep breaths, chest heaving. He flexed his fingers a few times, trying to get his temper under control; if Alenko could do it, so could he. He crossed to stand behind his desk, swallowing the rage again and sat down. Now was not the time to vent his anger. Work. Work would save him.

_Burnt ozone stench, like a lightning storm on Palaven, as the golden haired woman in front of him triumphantly Lifted the last merc they'd been fighting, throwing him into the ceiling. Small, strong hands jerking him sideways into cover. He'd fallen on top of her, ducking his head in shame and because he was strangely a little too aware of her under him, her sweet scent filling his senses. She'd laughed and pushed him off, told him to watch the battle through more than his sniper scope. Her laughter ringing out again in the Citadel when he'd made some stupid and sarcastic comment he couldn't now remember about the turian councilor. She didn't chastise him for being irreverent and disrespectful. And down in the hold as he fixed the Mako after the last time she drove it and broke the transaxle and she just listened to him while he ranted about the petty injustices he'd had to let slide in C-Sec. The red tape he hated. How she'd showed him the right way to deal with Saleon, not judging him, just pointing out the better way. _

Desperate rage still coursed through his veins, but under control. The pile of paperwork slowly lessened as he methodically and robotically filled out the forms and filed the reports that were the life of a cop. The red tape he'd hated. The red tape she cut through with a plasma torch.

He'd come back to the Citadel to work in C-Sec until he could apply for the Spectres as she'd encouraged him to. He'd had a brief juvenile fantasy of them fighting the good fight against the scum of the galaxy as equals, squashed when Alenko had shown up two days ago with the news of her death and told him about the funeral. His reaction then had been absolute disbelief.

"_This isn't funny, Alenko. Where is she, really?" He'd demanded, crossing his arms, trying to call the human's bluff. Alenko had shown up unannounced that night at his quarters. Garrus had given Shepard his forwarding address, but never thought she would have shared it. Unless it was an emergency. Since Alenko was still in full armor and had his helmet under his arm, his hair sticking to his forehead sweatily._

"_Don't you think I wanted it to be joke since Joker opened his goddamned pod and she wasn't in there?" Kaidan shouted back. _

"_Wait. Pod? What the hell happened, Kaidan?" He'd invited the biotic inside then, and Kaidan had collapsed into one of the two chairs Garrus owned. The officer took the other, leaning forward, waiting for his friend to continue._

"_We were attacked. By . . . something. They… destroyed the Normandy," Kaidan began to recite the events robotically, his usually expressive voice uninflected and dry. Garrus felt his fingers close into a fist involuntarily when Kaidan continued, "The locator beacon in her suit must've been damaged, they . . . WE haven't been able to recover her body. Joker says he saw her venting air as she spun away from him. She hit atmo unshielded, Garrus." The human's brown eyes met his, horrified at their commander's fate. Garrus flexed his hands helplessly, this wasn't possible. How could she be dead? This is not the way it was supposed to happen! He couldn't move, he almost couldn't breathe. He stared at Kaidan, the human's eyes were dry, but clearly in agony that mirrored what Garrus was feeling somewhere in his chest. Of course, Shepard was Alenko's. And he was Shepard's. _

_Alenko had left, shortly thereafter. For a very long time, Garrus couldn't remember doing anything but staring at his plain white walls, unable to move, or think. She was gone. How could she be gone?_

Several hours later, he stumbled out of his office, numb. Anger no longer powered his muscles; instead, he just wanted to find oblivion in the bottom of a turian ale. Liara T'Soni, however, stood in front of him, her white laboratory uniform replaced by some sort of pink dress. The subdued orange glow of the garishly lit Zakera Ward dulled the blue of her skin and the vivid color of her dress.

"Garrus, I need to speak with you," the small asari maiden put her hand on his armored chest and brought him to a halt.

"Not now, Liara. I'm not in the mood," he tried to step around her. He knew she was hurting, too. Half the ship had heard the confrontation in the communications room when she and Alenko had challenged the commander about her supposedly leading them on. The asari had been near-inconsolable for a few days after, though she'd put on one hell of a mask around Shepard. He had no room in his grief for another's. Not even Liara's.

"Please, Garrus, it will only take a moment. I need to ask you a question." Her earnest blue eyes stared up at him. Rage flared again and he forced his hands to stay at his side. This was Liara, Shepard had protected her from the day they met. It wouldn't honor Shepard's memory to pick the alien up and put her to one side so he could continue to his goal of alcohol soaked oblivion.

He sighed, "All right, Liara. What do you need?"

"I know she thought well of you, Garrus. Kaidan and I just confused her, for the most part. You and Ashley, she thought of as friends, the family she never had." A small blue hand reached up to touch his face, but he tossed his head away from the comforting, intimate gesture. "She lost Ashley, but she always had you."

He glared down at her, "How do you know this?"

"I got far more from her mind than the Prothean Cipher, Garrus; unintentionally, of course. I wouldn't dream of invading her like that," she dropped her hand back to her side. She cleared her throat, "I want to know, Garrus. If she could be brought back, what would you do?"

He blinked in astonishment at the asari, "That's sick, Liara. What the hell kind of question is that?"

"A valid one, I'm afraid, Garrus. What would you do?" Her blue eyes stared at him, steadily.

His own silver blue ones closed in pain, his fingers clenching and unclenching into fists, "Whatever she needed."

He walked away from the asari, shaking his head over Liara's strangeness. He entered the public transport system, aware of how odd it now felt. Following Shepard around, most people gave them as much distance as they could. The C-Sec officers weren't given quite the berth of respect the Spectre had been. But, then, C-Sec officers don't walk as if they knew a hundred ways to dissemble every sapient being they encountered. He was jostled and crowded against like every other being on the public transport. He finally got home, the tiny apartment in a poor Ward, all his salary would let him have. In the six months he'd been back on the Citadel, he'd not bought anything for the utilitarian space. He didn't want it to feel like home. This was only a temporary stop, after all.

Or it had been. He envisioned the rest of his life as a C-Sec officer, stuck here on the Citadel, investigating petty crimes and misdemeanors and never making a dent in the evil, buried in paperwork and reports. Being a Spectre now seemed hollow, without her. Garrus did the only thing he could think of at the moment, he took the ale out of the tiny refrigeration unit and began to systematically drown himself in the cheap alcohol.


	2. Chapter 2

_Bioware owns everything._

**Captain's Personal Log: Lazarus Station**

I don't remember the first time I was born. I assume it was in a hospital somewhere. Or maybe a darkened alley, lit only by my newborn's flare of fitful biotics. I had to imagine the first time I was born because no one ever told me the story.

The second time was after I'd died. I remember it clearly. Dying, I mean. My lungs exploding with the need for oxygen they could not get. My mind shutting down, trying to focus on things that would comfort me: the warmth of his embrace, the touch of his lips, the joy of victory, being surrounded by my team, my friends. Blackness enveloping me instead.

I couldn't be mad at Joker. His obsession with our home was understandable. The _Normandy _was a wonderful ship and it was ignominious for her to be taken out in a surprise attack. I was almost glad to only outlive her by a few seconds. I'd lost consciousness from anoxia by the time my body hit the atmosphere of Alchera, though. At least, that's what I'd been told later on. All I remembered was the cold and my lungs burning from lack of air and my head growing heavy and dim.

I wondered if being born the first time was as terrifying and painful as the second. But then, as a newborn, I doubted I'd had surgical scars all over my face and body and the ache of an implant upgrade in the base of my skull. Nor were things exploding all around me with an Australian accented voice shouting at me to wake up.

I supposed I'd probably fought for my life the first time I'd been born, but the second time, I knew it. There were explosions, gunfire, betrayal, hostility and that was just from me. The betrayal? I played along with Cerberus. I was outnumbered and in enemy territory, I didn't think I had a choice. At least I had armor and a gun. And let's not forget the grenade launcher. But they definitely had numbers on their side.

Wilson. He puts me back together and then tries to kill me for money? I remembered the logs where he bitched about how much money was spent patching my ass up and then arranges a coup on the station so he could undo all his handiwork? Someone had no pride in his work.

My first thoughts upon waking were, "Where the hell is Kaidan? What have they done with Garrus?" I felt like my right and left hands were missing. They weren't there. I was alone. The men and women I'd depended on for the last year were gone. Kaidan not being at my back only underscored the void I felt in my soul (if I actually still had one). No one had my six. Or at least, no one I trusted.

Why the hell was I even alive? I'd died. I had given everything I had in the fight to stop Saren and the Reapers. Even my life. I hadn't been allowed to rest, though; apparently I was too wicked. The organization I'd tried to bring down, the one that named itself after the guardian of the Ancient Greek Underworld, brought me back to life, spending an ungodly amount of money on me. In old Earth legends, Cerberus was a three headed dog who stood guard over the River Styx, keeping the dead from crossing back over. However, _this_ three-headed dog dragged me kicking and screaming back over.

I don't remember anything about dying. No peace, no joy, no sandy beaches. None of the people I'd lost had been waiting on me. Not even Ashley. I stood at the window of the space station they'd taken me to after evacuating me from the Lazarus base. I heard Jacob Taylor, a tall dark-skinned man wearing armor that was too tight to actually be called armor, come up behind me, "You know, you were a legend already when I was going through."

I snorted, my arms crossed over my chest, my eyes staring out into the void, daring myself to look into something that made me tremble in terror, "Oh, yeah? The drill sergeants tell you I come after bad little privates and second louies and eat them for dinner?"

He chuckled, "Something like that. More like eat your vegetables and you'll grow up big and strong like Shepard."

I barked a laugh. "So, Eden Prime, eh? The 232?"

He cleared his throat and came to stand next to me, "Any particular reason you're staring out at space like you're daring it to come get you?"

I slanted my eyes at him, "Don't psychoanalyze me, Mister Taylor." I looked back out at the void, breathing deeply. Why? Why the hell was I here? That guy with the cybertronic eyes told me I was here to speak for the colonists. To find them or avenge them.

If they were dead, I'd almost prefer to rejoin them. The only thing stopping me was the void. The one out there, and the one that filled me. How was this void keeping me around? Fear. I was afraid that if I died again, that the void I remembered would be all there ever was. But even the void was seductive: there was no pain from an overpowered implant, there was no loneliness from missing anyone, there was no fighting.

I clung to memory. Memory was my refuge. My friends. Kaidan. For the first time since waking up, wondering where he was, I allowed myself to think of him.

_I woke up, my sheets still smelling like his cologne. I lifted my head out of the pillow and pulled my long hair out of my face to find him sitting on my desk chair watching me sleep. His dark curly hair was neatly in place and he was freshly shaved. I turned over on my side, allowing the sheets to slide down. "Shouldn't you already have fled for a sleeper pod, Kaidan?"_

"_I got distracted." _

_I sat up, smiling at his eyes following the sheet as I let it fall to pool around my hips. "Getting distracted on a mission, Lieutenant? That's often deadly."_

"_I'm sorry, ma'am, did you say something?" he asked, getting up and crossing back to the bed. He was back in his BDUs and despite how hot I thought he looked in them, I really would have preferred at that moment that he not be wearing them. _

"_I believe you still have a mission to accomplish, Lieutenant."_

"_And what's that, ma'am?" he said, kneeling beside the bed and wrapping his warm hands around my waist and pulling me toward him. _

"_I believe your commanding officer still has some stress to work out," I smiled against his lips. He kissed me, gently, but then pulled away. _

"_We're coming up on Alchera, Shepard," he told me, his voice serious. _

_I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against his, "Geth activity, right. Can't we just go back to being on leave?"_

"_Then who would save the galaxy?"_

"_I don't really care." _

Jacob's voice intruded on my memory, "So, how does it feel?"

"How does what feel?"

Expecting a question about my death, he surprised me when he asked, "To save the galaxy?"

I turned my head to look at him, "I haven't saved it yet. I've fought the first battle. The war's just begun, Mister Taylor. And I'm already tired of fighting."


	3. Chapter 3

_Bioware's Sandbox._

**Captain's Personal Log: The Archangel**

I paced outside of the Medbay. My dark red armor coated in the navy-blue of his blood. His rattling gasps for air still echoed in my ears, haunting my footsteps. My bare hands were covered in his slick, viscous blood because I'd taken my gloves off so I could try to hold him together with a makeshift bandage, praying he'd lost nothing vital, nothing irreplaceable.

God, I needed a cigarette.

I walked back and forth, tracing an "L" shape. Main Battery, kitchen, Medbay door. Medbay door, kitchen, Main Battery.

When I'd finally found my friend, he'd been ass deep in alligators. I knew Garrus Vakarian had learned a lot in our hunt for Saren, but I didn't know he'd learned so much as to start his own vigilante group, much less lead them on some damned-fool idealistic crusade. I'd gone up into that building, expecting a strange turian I would have to get acquainted with, and possibly overcome the prejudices of, but hoping it was my friend. The relief I felt when that blue helmet had come off made my knees weak for a fraction of a second. It was Garrus.

He looked so tired, though. His shoulders slumped, a tremble to his three fingered hands. The expression on his face was as if he didn't believe I was standing there. As if he thought I was some dehydration or hunger induced hallucination. He was exhausted, but still sure of himself, unlike the Garrus I'd remembered. He had a world weary confidence now, something stronger than the arrogance he'd once projected to me and to Kaidan. It was the attitude of someone who'd seen too much, done too much and none of it had agreed with him.

The first two fingers of my left hand twitched with the need to hold a cigarette. A craving for the simple rush of nicotine flooded my system. I thought about biting my nails to alleviate the craving, but the blue blood under them made that prospect unappealing.

How had he gotten to that hell hole? When I'd left him, he'd been eager to put his time in and apply to the Spectres. When I'd died, he'd been happy, or at least as happy as Garrus can get. He'd always taken the little and the great injustices life handed everyone personally. As if he'd been put here to stop them. Having caused more than a few injustices in my time, I'd always wondered where his opinion of me would stand if he knew what I'd been before becoming Commander Fucking Shepard.

And now, he lay bleeding on an operating table because I just wasn't fast enough. I grabbed a pen on one of my passes. I hoped playing with it would keep my hands occupied, lessening my need for the cigarette I wasn't going to allow myself.

"Commander, you'll wear a hole in the deck," Jacob pointed out, perching on one of the mess tables.

"Ask me if I care, Mr. Taylor?" I replied, spinning at the apex of the Medbay leg and resuming my circuit.

"Commander," he stepped in front of me, his brown eyes kind. He halted me with his hands on my shoulders and anger flared through me at his touch. "Shepard, you should clean up. When he gets out, do you really want his blood all over you?"

My anger, glad to finally have an outlet, ignited to full flame and the tingling of a biotic field shivered up and down my body. However, I used my hands to push him away, hard, and he stumbled back. "Never. Touch. Me. Again."

He put his hands up and backed away, "All right, Commander. I was out of line, I apologize."

I resumed my pacing. I remembered the body bags. He must have put them in those things himself. His dead team mates.

My pacing ground to a halt as a memory invaded._ Akuze. Heat. Darkness, blood, gunfire, screaming. Dead, all dead_. No body bags for them.

Garrus was now a sole survivor, too.

I started my route again, counting my footsteps to keep my mind occupied. Jacob resumed his perch on the mess table, watching me. I wanted to punch him for the compassion in his eyes. I wasn't leaving here until I knew something. Anything. I started bargaining with God, silently. _Please God, don't let him die, don't punish me like this. I'll do anything, I'll even stop wanting to go back to being dead, just let him come out of that room in one piece and breathing on his own._

_Cocky bastard had seen me coming, knew who I was, only way in was a bridge and I hated wearing helmets. "A little target practice," he'd said, his voice sounding worn out. Keeping his skills sharp. He'd definitely made no friends on Omega. "It wasn't easy… I really had to work at it." I'd laughed at that, leave it to Garrus to make the understatement of the year. _

_I tilted my head to the side, studying him, "You nailed me good a couple times, by the way."_

_He'd looked at me from under his brow ridges and drawled, "Concussive rounds only, no harm done. Didn't want the mercs getting suspicious."_

"_Uh-huhn." I'd let my disbelief invade my voice._

_His eyes bore directly into mine, "If I'd wanted to do more than take your shields down, I'd have done it." He glanced away, then flexed his mandibles in a grin, "Besides, you were taking your sweet time, I needed to get you moving."_

_Wait… was he? No, he couldn't be. But that was the most innuendo laden set of sentences I'd ever heard Garrus utter in our entire friendship. He must really be tired, maybe punch drunk._

_And then, he let me look through his sniper rifle. And fire it. And I remembered all those jokes on the SR-1. The ground team and the ship's crew were always teasing him about his affection for his rifles. Hell, when I'd bought him the Spectre grade equipment, he looked like the kid in that Christmas movie who'd just gotten his first BB gun. And he let me hold this gun, this rifle that had gone through hell with him. No… this was Garrus. He was delirious with no sleep and the loss of his team. Probably still thought I was a hallucination. _

_A hallucination that he'd handed his favorite object in the universe to._

And then, the rocket hit him. I don't know what possessed him to leave cover like he had. Maybe he saw me. Maybe he thought he could hit the hallway and the stairs and better safety before the thing reloaded.

Medbay door, kitchen, Main Battery. Main Battery, kitchen, Medbay door.

I wound the pen uselessly through my fingers as I paced. I spun to complete another circuit and suddenly, Joker was in front of me. "Commander, I really think you need to get out of your armor, get cleaned up."

"Why? You got a video feed hooked up in my room?" I snarked, stepping around him to resume my course.

"Of course! I get 50 credits with every download of the famous Commander Shepard taking a shower," Joker retorted.

"Great, I'll never take a shower again. And the stench will be your fault." I stopped pacing to turn to him. "What do you want, Joker?"

He stepped toward me, awkwardly, his palms up and open, "You've just been through a hell of a fight, Commander. You're exhausted, you're streaming dark energy like a leaky drive core, you're shaking and you're dripping blue blood all over my deck plates."

I just glared at him and turned to start pacing again, tapping the pen against my thigh. He grabbed my arm. Unlike Jacob, though, I trusted Joker. "All right, Mom. I'll eat my vegetables and wash my hands. Will that make you happy?" I asked sullenly.

"Absolutely ecstatic; now all you have to do is smile pretty for the cameras in your shower stall," the pilot said, his smile used-ship-salesman wide.

I grinned through the fatigue suddenly swamping my body with its inexorable tide, "You're lucky you're adorable, or I'd kick your ass." I didn't want to laugh, I didn't want to be amused, but dammit, he was incorrigible.

He was all cheekiness and guile, "You and what army, Shepard?"

In my quarters, I shucked off my armor, setting it in the refresher unit to be cleaned, then hopped in the shower. Once I'd started, I was suddenly frantic to get his blood off me. I scrubbed until I was pink, the water turning blue with the blood sluicing off me. I wasn't even careful with my unhealed scars like I usually was and my red blood as I reopened a few scabs mingled with his, turning the water vaguely purple, before being sucked down the drain. I glanced down at the mingling blood and the tears and terror and worry I'd been holding back with my anger hit me. I fell to my knees in the shower, the blue still washing out of my hair where it had gotten matted in, my reopened scars still bleeding.

I don't know how long it took me to pull myself together. I do know it felt like I was reassembling myself from the core outward. _This is Meghan Shepard, this part goes here, that one goes there. That part's strong, put it over there. That part's weak, hide it over here._ With each piece of uniform I donned, with each swipe of the mascara wand, I rebuilt Commander Shepard, putting Meghan somewhere safe where she couldn't get hurt. It didn't cost four billion credits, this self-resurrection, but the will power was expensive.

Finally dressed in that damnable Cerberus-logoed tunic and black trousers, I left my cabin, running into Jacob Taylor on his way to get me. "Mr. Taylor?" I asked politely.

"I was hoping to catch you on the way to Medbay. I think you need to wait here for news, Commander." He crossed his arms, looking at me steadily. "I don't think it's good for the crew to see you so emotional."

I raised an eyebrow, "You don't think it's a good idea for the crew to know I care about a member of my old team?" I stepped closer, getting in his face. "Or do you not want them to see me get emotional over a _turian?_" I snarled.

"I think it's a bad idea for the crew to watch their commanding officer have a temper tantrum, period. What if he doesn't make it? You going to fall to pieces in front of them? That'll be good for morale," he pointed out.

He was right. Damn him. "Fine. But I'll wait in the briefing room and you have to get me a PB&J."

He smirked, "Hungry, Commander?"

I shoved past him to the elevator, he followed me in, "I'm a biotic, Mr. Taylor. What the hell do you think?" My stomach growled audibly, underscoring my words.

I left him in the elevator when it got to the CIC level and headed for the briefing room. I needed a cigarette again and I'd left the pen on my desk. I resumed my pacing. I was beginning to feel a little hitch in my hip as I walked, probably one of their implants not taking the abuse well.

The briefing room table was fourteen steps long and three steps wide. The glowing model of the _Normandy_ floated serenely above the faux mahogany. It was seven steps long. I felt like it was mocking me, floating there, calmly. My anger started to rise and I felt the familiar frission of dark energy coursing along my nerves. I halted my pacing and stood there, breathing deeply, trying not to flare up all over the briefing room. I was going to get used to this damned L5n if it killed me.

Jacob came in at that point, and walked to other side of the table. He leaned heavily on it and looked up at me. My heart sank, but my stranglehold on my biotic control held, thankfully. _NO! This wasn't happening!_ "We've done what we could for Garrus, but he took a bad hit. The docs corrected with surgical procedures and some cybernetics. Best we can tell, he'll have full functionality, but…" _Wait… "full functionality?" He's not dead?_

Jacob turned at the sound of the door opening. I moved more slowly, almost afraid of what I would see. Garrus' voice, "Shepard." I turned and leaned one hip on the table, not trusting myself to speak or move further. I'm pretty sure if I did, I'd throw myself at my friend in a very unprofessional manner and cry on his shoulder in relief.

"Tough son of a bitch. Didn't think he'd be up yet," Jacob said, unnecessarily. I didn't look at him, my eyes were locked with Garrus'.

Garrus turned and I saw the side of his face the rocket hit. His carapace was scarred and even torn off in places, the skin beneath raw and open. The bandage on the right side covered half of his head and continued down to encircle his long neck. My breath caught in my throat. It looked like it hurt like hell. Why wasn't he still doped up on painkillers down in Medbay?

Garrus walked into the room, the door closing behind him, "Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it?"

Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I went with humor, "Hell, Garrus, you were always ugly. Slap some face paint on there and no one would notice."

I was rewarded with his rusty laugh, his hand going to his face but stopping short of touching it, "Don't make me laugh, damn it. My face is barely holding together as it is!" He grinned with only one side of his mouth, the other mandible immobile, "Some women find scars attractive. Mind you, most of those women are krogan…" I shook my head, laughing. All but unnoticed, Jacob saluted and left. His departure barely registered.

I had my friend back, in one piece. _All right, God, I guess I'll stick around._

"Frankly, I'm more worried about you. Cerberus, Shepard? You remember those sick experiments they were doing?" He asked in a low voice, stepping closer and looking down at me.

I smiled up at him, "That's why I'm glad you're here, Garrus. If I'm walking into hell, I want someone I trust at my side."

That crooked grin again, "You realize this plan has me walking into hell, too." He chuckled, "Just like old times." He turned to leave, "I'm fit for duty whenever you need me, Shepard. I'll settle in and see what I can do at the forward batteries." He turned to leave, but I grabbed his arm.

"Wait," I made a vague gesture around the room and pointed at my ear. He nodded, catching my meaning. His Omni-Tool flared to life and he tapped a sequence into it. Seconds later, I heard at least a half dozen bugs and cameras short out and die violently. "I just want to tell you…." I trailed off, uncertain how to continue. He waited, patiently, those silver-blue eyes just looking at me. "I'm glad you're here," I finished, lamely.

His one healthy mandible twitched in amusement, "You wanted me to short out the listening devices in here to tell me that?"

I took a deep breath, let Meghan out of her safe place, "I really don't trust any of them, Garrus. I was dead. I really was. They spent four billion credits putting me back together. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle, or worse, Frankenstein's monster."

He blinked at me, "I think my translator glitched. Jigsaw puzzle? Frankenstein's Monster?"

"Nevermind. I'm just glad you're here."

He nodded, "I'll be here if you need me." He turned and left the briefing room.

I leaned on the table, my head in my hands. Kaidan had better not try to catch a rocket in his teeth when I finally find him. I don't think I could handle two days like this. I stood up, scrubbing my face. It was time to find the salarian doctor. And a sandwich. My stomach was still empty.


	4. Chapter 4

_Bioware owns all._

**Captain's Personal Log: The Professor**

I stormed into the forward battery and hit the door close button behind me. I paused to blink in the dimness of the red lighting and tried not to shiver in the colder air. The tall fully armored alien in front of me didn't bother turning around or acknowledging my presence except to stop typing into his console. "What the hell, Vakarian?" I demanded, crossing my arms over my chest and staring at the back of his head where his scouter device attached to his skull.

"Well… I figure if I get the current guns up to spec and properly calibrated, it'll be much less difficult to install future upgrades," he raised his head to look out over the structure of the forward batteries.

"That's not what I'm talking about and you know it."

He finally turned around fully to look at me, leaning on his console, "No, Shepard, I really don't know what you're talking about."

"Why the fuck do you have to play the hero all the goddamned time?"

He imitated my posture, crossing his arms over his chest, "I could ask you the same question, Shepard."

I glared at him and began to pace, partly to vent my frustration, partly to warm up. I understood the reason for the gunnery bay to be colder than the mess, didn't mean I liked shivering while talking to him. "I just helped the Professor upgrade his Omni-Tool. And in the process, I found the scan he did of you in his clinic, before we went and cleaned out the vorcha." I stopped in front of him, staring up into his face. He was looking down at me, plainly amused. I stabbed my forefinger at his armor in emphasis, "You were dying! That plague was killing you! You lied! You said you just had a cough!"

His eyes flicked toward the closed door and then he grabbed my hand in both of his, "Shepard, you told me you wanted someone you trusted with you when you walked into hell, didn't you?"

I blinked, "What does that have to do with anything, Vakarian?"

"I meant what I said when I told you I'd be there, plague or no plague," he said quietly, his voice dipping into those lower registers that always seemed to make something low in my spine tingle. Kaidan's voice did similar things to me; I was just used to acting on them with him.

I wrenched my hand out of his grasp and he went back to crossing his arms, "You nearly died yesterday, Garrus. You have a massive bandage and cybernetics holding your head together. Is avoiding dying by a bloody plague too much to ask?"

"If it means I leave you without backup, yes," he told me his voice still low. "I'm not going to leave you to rely on those Cerberus flunkies."

I clenched my fists. "I do not want your blood on my hands, again, Vakarian!"

He leaned closer to me, inches from my face, "And I don't want _your_ blood on _my_ hands, _again_, Shepard."

I froze, staring into his silver-blue eyes, "What are you talking about?"

He blinked and straightened back up, "Nevermind." He turned back to his console, fingers poised over the board, "I've said too much."

"Oh, no, you don't!" I walked around him to peer up at him over the console, "You don't get to say that and turn away from me. What the hell are you talking about?" I demanded.

He closed his eyes, "I shouldn't have left the _Normandy_. I should have been there."

My death. Right. It was bound to come up sooner or later. Between him and Joker, I'm surprised it hadn't come up before now. "And what would you have done, Garrus?" I asked, softening my voice.

He opened his eyes and stared down at me, "Gotten you on a pod."

I raised my eyebrows, "You are aware Kaidan was up there with me, right? If he couldn't get me on a pod, with how I felt about him, what makes you think you could have done anything different?"

Suddenly, he spun and I found myself pinned against the railing, a very angry turian glaring down at me, his hands clenching the railing on either side of my hips, his feet on either side of mine. I should have been afraid, but God help me, I wasn't. I should have been angry, but strangely, I could only stare at him. "I'm stronger than you are, Shepard. I would have picked you up and carried you to a pod, orders be damned."

"You'd have tried, you mean." Good, my voice was steady. I was proud of that.

Somehow, he moved closer, "No, Shepard, I'd have done it. You're too damned valuable, too _necessary_, to this fight. I'm just a failed C-Sec officer."

Tentatively, I put my hand on the uninjured side of his face, tracing his mandible with my thumb, "And I'd have been stuck on shit missions 'cleaning up' pockets of 'geth resistance' instead of being able to focus on the real threat. And you or Joker or both would be dead."

"You can't know that, Shepard. If you'd been around, the Council wouldn't have been able to conduct the smear job on you that they did. They wouldn't have been able to ignore the Savior of the Citadel." Just as tentatively, he leaned his face into my palm. "And I think Joker would agree with me that would be a suitable sacrifice for you."

_Akuze. Virmire_. "No one dies for me ever again, Garrus. _No one_. That includes you and that stubborn ass who flies us everywhere.

"And you will never be a failure to me."

He froze and stared at me, all I could do was continue to meet his eyes. I couldn't tell what was going through his mind. His uninjured mandible flexed against my palm. I waited, afraid I'd said too much. Carefully, I slid my hand to his neck, laying my fingers and palm flat against the warm rough skin of his neck. He was tense and why was he trembling? "What did I say? What did I do wrong?"

He pushed away from me and holding himself rigid, went back to his console and stared down at it without answering me. Irritated at his silence, I placed my hand on his chin again and pulled his face around to me, "What did I do?"

With a frustrated growl, he pulled me against him, pinning me between him and the console. He gripped both my hands in his, holding them between us. "Do you still care for Alenko?"

Startled, I said, "Yes."

He closed his eyes and bowed his head for a moment, when he looked back up, his face was calm, and he released my hands and stepped away. "Then, Commander, if we're done here, I have some calibrations to finish."

Confused, I got out of his way. He pressed a button on the console and the door slid open. I took the hint and stepped through the door. Looking steadily at me over his shoulder, he said, "I'll be here if you need me." The door closed in front of me.


	5. Chapter 5

_Bioware owns all._

**Captain's Personal Log: Reinstatement**

Being reinstated as a Spectre was empty, but as I told Anderson in his office, no use burning bridges. I leaned on the bar in the Dark Star and stared down at my drink. Patting my back and shaking my hand, he'd slipped me an old-fashioned paper note with this bar's name and a time. I'd put on the only non-Cerberus thing I owned, a classic little black dress and a pair of really uncomfortable heels. I'd sent Jacob to mingle somewhere. His job was to just stay out of earshot, but keep us from being ambushed. Garrus leaned next to me on the bar. Talking loudly over the driving beat of the dance music he said, "This is a ridiculous idea. The human councilor can't just walk into a bar."

I swirled my drink around in my glass. "Hardly anyone knows what they look like, Garrus."

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, "On the Citadel, everyone knows what they look like, Shepard."

I shrugged, "That may be true, but he's meeting the only person in the universe who'd never harm him." I glanced at the turian's offended expression, "OK, maybe one of the only."

Mollified, Garrus looked over my shoulder, "Here he comes. Should I disappear?"

I shook my head, turning to find Anderson, "No, you need to hear this, too. Just keep an eye on Jacob. He's here to guard our backs, not overhear."

I turned back to watch my old commanding officer approach. All right, so he was the closest thing I had to a father, too. He was responsible for so much in my life. And he still walked like he could disassemble a sapient being with his bare hands. I used to joke they didn't let you out of N7 training till you had that walk down. I glanced at the crowd parting like the proverbial Red Sea as the human Councilor approached. I also took an amused note of the number of asari and human women (and a few men) who watched him walk past and took a good look at his rear end.

He looked good, I guessed, in the all-black formal wear currently in vogue. But it was like checking out my own father. I could look at him academically, though, and accept that he deserved the frank stares. Anderson got to the bar and leaned against it next to me, gesturing to the bartender to refill mine and to get him one. "Glad you could come, Shepard."

I nodded, slugging back the last of my vodka sour, "Glad you invited me." I gestured to the turian on my other side, "You remember Garrus Vakarian, Councilor."

My old captain's eyes widened as he took in the looming alien at my back, "I believe I do." He shook hands with Garrus and looked at me quizzically.

"Whatever you have to say, say it in front of him, too. He's the only one of my old team that I've been able to find and could come with me, so far." I looked at Anderson steadily. _Unless you want to cough up Kaidan Alenko?_

After a considering look, Anderson said, "All right, let's go find somewhere out of the way." We gathered our drinks and Garrus and I followed Anderson to a relatively quiet corner in the bar. At least we didn't have to shout, but we still couldn't be overheard.

"All right, what's going on?" I demanded without preamble.

Anderson raised his eyebrows at my informality. However, he said nothing about it, but looked at me with those stern brown eyes that made me feel like damned FNG all over again. "Look me in the eye and tell me you didn't fake your death."

I blinked, startled. I shrugged and leaned forward, my green eyes meeting his brown ones, unwavering, "Would you like to know how it feels to suffocate in a vacuum? How about your limbs and organs dying? Your life passes before your eyes when you die, but I think it's only because your brain is trying like hell to sift through your experiences to figure a way out."

I looked down at my drink then looked back up at him, "Also, oblivion pretty much sucks."

He inhaled sharply, his eyes searching my face, "So you didn't fake it."

I glared at the closest thing to a father I had, "Why _the fuck _would I fake my own death, Anderson?"

He shrugged. "The Shepard I know wouldn't have, but I had to be sure. I have to ask another question of you. What did I give you for your N7 graduation?"

I scrubbed my face with my hands, "Oh. My. God. Are you seriously giving me an identity test?"

"Answer the question, Shepard," he told me.

I rubbed my eyes in irritation. Not even Kaidan knew this and I glared at Garrus, "Not one word."

His cheekplates flared in amusement, "Oh, this ought to be good."

I turned back to Anderson, "A leather-bound, real paper edition of the Collected Works of William Shakespeare." The Old Man nodded and gestured for me to continue, "You quoted _Julius Ceasar_ on the flyleaf, 'Cry "Havoc!" And let slip the dogs of war!'"

He took a drink, "And why did I choose that?"

"To remind me not to seek revenge for my unit and Akuze. That whoever did it will get theirs." I snorted, "And Cerberus will, Anderson. As soon as the colonists are taken care of."

"Is that why you're working with them?"

"You mean, is that why I'm still putting up with their crap and haven't taken their shiny new toys and my upgraded bod and told The Illusive Man to shove it?" I took another hit of my drink. "Did you honestly think I'd forget Akuze?" I leaned closer and growled at him, "Did you honestly think I'd forget what they fucking cost me?"

He held up his hands in surrender and leaned away from me. I straightened up, catching a concerned look from Garrus. "All right, Shepard," Anderson said, "I understand. You're definitely you."

I snorted, "So good of you to agree. If the Alliance or the Council were willing to foot the bill for this op, I'd tell Old Blue Eyes to shove where Sol don't shine. But they're not, are they?"

Anderson shook his head, setting his empty glass down, "No one can, officially. The Colonists are beyond Alliance and Council jurisdiction both. The colonists wanted to be away from Alliance and Council space when they left. Officially, they have to live with those consequences."

I swallowed the last bit of my drink, "So, I stick with the three headed dog."

Anderson nodded, "If we want to stop the abductions, then yes. I wish I could help you."

I looked him, steadily for a few heartbeats, "Then tell me where Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko is."

Anderson cocked his head at me, "No."

I clenched my fist around my empty cup without thinking and it shattered in my strength-enhanced grip. I swore and shook off the ice and splinters of glass. "You won't or you can't?" Anderson's and Garrus' eyes were wide as they watched me shake off the glass.

Anderson had the grace to look away, "I can't and I won't." He then turned and glared at me, the full force of his disapproval hitting me in the stomach, making it drop into my ridiculous shoes. "I know damned well why you want him on your squad, Meghan. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he's a stable L2."

"With all due respect," _Kiss my ass_, "Being the stable L2 who helped me stop Saren is why I want him on my squad," I snarled.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "And assigning him to you would be the equivalent of the Alliance taking part in your mission and condoning Cerberus." He opened them, spearing me with his disapproval again, "I also know what went on between you two. Everyone who was there after you crawled out of the rubble in the Council Chambers saw it."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, "And what, you gonna tell me that you don't approve, _Dad_?" I was so furious with him, I felt my Texas accent invading my speech patterns.

He sighed, "I would never tell you what to do with your off-duty time, Meghan."

"But you're going to."

Anderson glanced away and tried a different tack, "Is what you're telling me true? Are you headed through the Omega 4 Relay?"

I narrowed my eyes at Anderson and caught Garrus' eye who shrugged, wondering where he was going with this – I didn't actually remember telling him anything about that, "Yes."

Still looking away he said, "And no ship has come back from that."

I looked down at my hands and the mess of my drink, "It has crossed my mind that it would be a one-way ticket."

I met my mentor's eyes and we stared at each other for a while. I knew what he was trying to tell me. I didn't agree with it, but I knew. If Kaidan didn't know I was alive now, he wouldn't have to mourn me a second time. Anderson nodded, slowly, then glanced at Garrus, "Take care of her, Vakarian. Drag her ass back in one piece, would you?"

The turian nodded, "Since I owe her one, that's my plan."

I don't know whether it was the liquor he drank or what, but Anderson stepped away from the table and pulled me into a hug. I think it was the only time he'd ever touched me like this. Tentatively, I hugged him back. He stepped away and just looked at me. I looked back at him, feeling like a little girl. He turned and walked out of the bar.

I felt something cold and round against my shoulder blade, held in place by the tight bodice of my dress and grinned. Wiley Old Man.


	6. Chapter 6

_Bioware's Sandbox. I'm just borrowing it._

**Captain's Personal Log: The Convict**

It's not every day a rogue prison warden tries to capture me and sell me to the highest bidder. It's also not every day I get to see Garrus in a towering rage, either. I didn't understand why. Kuril hadn't done anything to me, not really. And he'd gotten Garrus' sniper bullet in his skull for his trouble. Garrus had been all right with the guy and his "prison" until he'd tried to capture me. But other than that small flaw, Garrus had liked the idea of Purgatory. I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about it. A small voice in the back of my head reminded me I'd been headed there if not for the Alliance.

The angry turian had gone straight to the forward batteries and growled at anyone who came near. Not literally, of course, turians weren't animals, but he wasn't polite to visitors for awhile. So, I left him to brood and swear at his calibrations and went down to visit my newest crewmember.

Down in the bowels of my ship, the red lighting made me pause at the bottom of the stairs while flashbacks of the old _Normandy_ ricocheted around my mind. Terror engulfed me and I broke out into a cold sweat all over and trembled, my mouth dry. Alarms, fire… _Kaidan_.

_Sirens blaring, the emergency lights rendered the walls gory, smoke clogging the air, hazy, blood red. Kaidan running toward me, frantic to get me off the ship. "Shepard!"_

I'd told him something inane about the distress beacon. Professional to the last. No matter how I'd spent that morning with him. _"The Alliance won't abandon us! Get everyone onto the escape shuttles!" Fire, everywhere, the flickering glow competing with the blood of the emergency lights._

"_Joker's still in the cockpit! He won't abandon ship. I'm not leaving either!" The velvet voice was laced with fear, for me, for the pilot. One thing I had to grant Kaidan, he was never afraid for himself._ _The jostling of the ship, rocked by explosions knocked him against me, his arms encircling me. It would be the last time in that life he'd ever touched me, and that had been through the barrier of our hardsuits. _

"_I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles, I'll take care of Joker!" I yelled through the noise of the ship breaking up around us. He pulled away, reluctantly. _

"_Commander!" his voice was frantic, urgent. _I still would have gone for Joker, though.

"_Kaidan, go! Now."_

I shook my head to clear it and stop my trembling. I straightened up from leaning against the bulkhead and wiped the cold sweat from my forehead. I hadn't been afraid at the time. I'd been confident we'd get out of there, that I'd get out of there. Now that I'd decided to live, I wanted to keep doing so. I was alive and I was here, there was no emergency, there was no fire, we weren't under attack, and there was no Kaidan. There was no musky aftershave and five-o'clock shadow to rub my face against, no strong shoulders to lean on. No one to tell me, "It's going to be all right."

I really needed to find Kaidan and not just because I wanted to chase him around my quarters. I had Garrus at my back, but it still felt naked without Kaidan there, too. I needed my Lieutenant, though I guess technically, now, he outranked me. But something about this whole situation was screaming at me. Something wasn't adding up. I'd never really believed Kahoku's claim that Cerberus had gone completely rogue from the Alliance. Privately funded? Ok… but the Alliance could very well have been one of those private funders. No one pays 100 million credits for toilet seats even if it is on a state-of-the-art warship.

Jack, or Subject Zero, as her Cerberus dossier labeled her, was a tiny spitfire of a woman and covered in more ink than the last bill to go through Earth's Parliament. Young, maybe even ten years younger than me. The dossier didn't give her age and it was hard to tell, either good genes or genetic tinkering gave her that perpetually youthful face the wealthy paid a small fortune for on a daily basis. I had one of those faces, too, but I think the mileage was starting to show on mine, if not the years. The scars crisscrossing my cheeks and forehead certainly didn't help. I didn't really care how I looked, though. I wasn't going to enter a beauty pageant and I couldn't seem to find the one person in the galaxy for whom I actually wanted to look pretty. Besides, my grumpy friend had to wear his scars, might as well keep mine.

When I got to the bowels of my ship, I asked after Jack's well being and her comfort, then I motioned for her to keep talking while I pinged Garrus' Omni-Tool. She looked at me quizzically then shrugged. When she started in on going pirate, my eyes widened but I let her keep going. We were just stalling till Garrus got here anyway.

I heard the turian before I saw him and watched Jack's eyes grow wide as he approached (I felt an odd flare of what felt like jealousy? Seriously? For _Garrus_?) as she looked him up and down, a smirk on her face. I resisted the urge to punch her. I turned to my friend and signaled him to overload the listening devices in Jack's quarters and to block EDI's feed. Giving me a sharp look, his Omni-Tool flared to life as he complied. A few muffled mini-explosions later, I stepped closer to Garrus and motioned for Jack to get closer to us. She stood up, crossed her arms and shook her head, her face twisting into anger. "Just get over here! The electronic devices are disabled, doesn't mean the human ones aren't still listening in!" I hissed, ordering her.

Her eyes widened and she complied. "Look, Garrus, you were right to remind me of those sick experiments." Jack shot a questioning look at me and I held up my hand. Still whispering, I continued, looking up at the turian, "Kuril must've already had buyer lined up or he wouldn't have tried that shit." Garrus nodded his agreement, and I looked back at Jack, "I doubt very seriously it was Cerberus, since they have no motive. Unless they changed their mind about the control chip." I went on before either could react to that statement. "But, someone had to have put the word out. Maybe even a bounty on my head." They both nodded slowly. "So, that's the first bit of information I need you to look for, both of you. Second… I don't for one second believe that Cerberus is completely rogue from the Alliance." Jack opened her mouth but before she could reply, I continued, "In your search for names, dates and places, I want you to look for the trail that'll lead us back to the Alliance. It may not be obvious. In fact, I'd suspect any data that led you to that conclusion directly. But the pattern's got to be there, buried."

I pulled the small OSD out of my pocket. It was what Anderson had slipped to me the night I was reinstated. "This might be a good place to start." Both their eyes widened and Garrus took the disk from me.

He looked at me, quizzically, "Anderson?"

I nodded and looked at both of them, steadily, "Someone's not being straight with us."

"That's an incredibly obvious statement," Jack drawled, crossing her arms over her nearly bare breasts.

"Isn't this a little . . . extreme, Shepard?" Garrus asked.

I looked at the turian steadily, his species didn't have the reputation for duplicity mine did. He'd probably expect it of the asari or the salarians first, though, and not the humans. We didn't yet have that bad of a rep for deviousness, but it was probably only a matter of time. I glanced at Jack who was looking at the infiltrator as if that rocket had lobotomized him, "Garrus, you were there two years ago. Their operation was pretty damned extensive for being just a rogue black ops group, even if they stole everything from the Alliance."

Reluctantly, he nodded, I could tell I'd given him something to puzzle over and put his detective skills to use on. Jack piped up, "How'm I gonna hide what I'm looking for, Shepard? It'll be hard to cover up that I'm looking for more information than just what involves me."

I glanced at my friend, "Can you help her with that, Garrus?"

I could see the wheels spinning in his head as he thought it over, "Yeah, I can. But not here. I'll have to calibrate it from my station in the main battery."

I nodded, "Good. Something's rotten in the state of Denmark and I intend to find out where the stench is coming from."

They both looked at me, puzzled. I rolled my eyes, "Am I the only one who reads Shakespeare around here?" I waved my hand at them, "Never mind. Operation Denmark starts," I glanced at my Omni-Tool, "now."


	7. Chapter 7

_Bioware Owns All._

**Captain's Personal Log: The Krogan**

The newborn gigantic alien hit me with the force of a Mako on full speed, slamming me into the bulkhead. I grunted at the impact, but while the inexperienced krogan was threatening me, I was silently unholstering my pistol.

It pays to be prepared.

When he'd gotten done with his threats and decided his name was Grunt, I felt oddly like I'd just adopted a teenager. I amused myself with wondering if he was going to get acne and need braces. I left the teenager feeling very smug about his place on my crew. Since he was a "pure" krogan and all. (I wasn't aware krogan could successfully interbreed with any other species so the "pure" part made no sense to me, but hey, whatever helped him curl up in his tank at night.)

I stepped out of the cargo hold and directly into Garrus, nearly stepping on his booted foot. I knew he'd been waiting just outside the door in case I couldn't control the young krogan, but he didn't have to stand that close to the door. He grabbed me to keep me from bouncing off him and onto my ass, his hands on my shoulders. "Everything all right in there?"

"Sure." I shrugged, "He'll have to kill me if our enemies aren't worthy, but other than that, we're fine."

Garrus snorted and let go of my shoulders, "Good to know we're in the clear, then. Wonder what he considers 'worthy'?"

I shook my head, "No idea."

Miranda stood up from where she'd been leaning on the wall, her white quilted suit standing out against the grey metal wall. "If you're done, Commander?"

I waved her off, "Go ahead, Miranda. I think the paperweight is settled now."

The imperious woman simply looked at me, "I would like to speak with you when you get the chance?"

I nodded, "I'll be there in a few, Miranda." She nodded and her way too perky ass disappeared into the elevator.

I turned to find Garrus looking at me with his arms crossed. "A baby krogan? Really, Shepard?"

"What? He followed me home!"

He seemed to have gotten my joke since he laughed and shook his head at me, "You've got to be kidding me." He cleared his throat. "So, Rana Thanoptis."

I sighed, my humor gone at his change of subject, "Yeah. . . Igor to the galaxy's mad scientists. Should have hired her to be Mordin's lab assistant. But I'm pretty sure even he would be appalled at her morals."

"Igor?"

I chuckled, humorlessly, "Never mind. I wonder what we'll find her doing next?"

He gave a theatrical shudder, "I don't even want to think about it."

I grinned and changed the subject again, "Jacob's got a new gun for me to look at. He built it from those plans we found."

Garrus grinned back at me, "You know me, Shepard. I'm always up for new weapons." I stared at him, my grin wider until he finally realized what he'd said. He put his hand to his forehead, "Don't start."

I hit the call button for the elevator, "All right, _Archangel_." He groaned.

He followed me to the armory, though, riding up in our insanely slow elevator. For God's sake, we could zip across the galaxy in the blink of an eye, but can't design elevators that take less than ten minutes between floors?

He leaned against the back wall next to me and I remembered, suddenly, him asking me about whether I still had feelings for Kaidan. God. _Kaidan_. I wanted nothing more than to find him; it was frustrating that either all my emails and messages were returned or they simply vanished into thin air. Had he moved on and that's why he wasn't returning them? I could even understand a scathing return email, dismissing mine as a joke. The absolute silence was troubling. But what made Garrus ask me that question?

Aloud, I said, "I wasn't too excited about getting a krogan warlord as a teammate anyway. Especially if his dossier and psych profile were to be believed. The guy was nuts. As in take-over-the-galaxy-and-make-everyone-wear-bad-uniforms-nuts."

Garrus shook his head at me, "It's only because you made me watch those awful movies of yours that I even know what you mean."

I stuck my tongue out at him, "I didn't make you watch anything. You were bored."

He snorted as the elevator doors opened. "Come on, Shepard. No one tries to take over the galaxy!"

I turned to look at him, a smirk on my lips and my arms crossed, "Really?"

"All right, all right! No one except Saren." He walked ahead of me through the armory doors, "But your species' concept of aliens was just . . . bizarre."

"Hey, Chewbacca was one of the greatest wingmen of all time!"

He let me past him into the room, "I still don't know how he managed to fly that impossible ship with all that fur on his 'hands.'"

"Don't quibble over details! That's classic cinema!"

He grinned at me as I walked by and continued, "I did like the whole Princess and the Pirate thing, though."

I chuckled, "You would."

"I also wanted to shoot that whiny yellow mech, er, droid?"

"Most people do," I told him, sagely.

He hitched a hip on the table and crossed his arms again, "So, are you one of those Knights?"

Jacob chose that moment to join us from the hall leading to the briefing room, "Knights? You finally got him to watch it with you?"

I smiled at Garrus, "All three of the original Episodes."

Jacob grinned, "How'd you like it?"

Garrus shook his head, "Just show her her gun."

After I got to pet and admire my new toy, a giant nuclear canon named the M-90 Cain that I was excited to be able to carry on my back, I walked with Garrus to the crew deck so I could see what Miranda wanted. I hesitated in front of the medbay, and Garrus stopped with me.

He put his hand on my shoulder and leaned down to tell me quietly, "You don't _have_ to talk to her right now, you know." A violent tingle went from my neck down through my spine and made my knees buckle.

"Don't do that!"

"Don't do what?" His mouth was still in the vicinity of my ear. I shuddered and clutched his armored arm. He straightened up to look at me, his eyebrow ridges drawing down in concern. "What happened? Do I need to get Dr. Chakwas?"

I shuddered again and released him; finally feeling like my nervous system was back in working order, "Just don't do that again."

He stared at me, "If you tell me what the hell I did, sure."

I sighed. It was actually kind of embarrassing. The hypersensitivity I'd always had behind my ears and the back of my neck served me well in a combat situation, but no one could get near me to talk to me like he'd just done without me collapsing in a pile of twitching Shepard parts outside of a battlefield. It was the first time since my resurrection I'd felt that particular overloaded sensation. Good to know the "eyes" I had in the back of my head worked well. "Some humans are really sensitive in their nerves behind the back of their ears and on their necks. I'm one of them."

He tilted his head at me, curious, "Did it hurt?"

"Just . . . overload." That was the only word I could find to explain the sensation. It wasn't pain and it wasn't pleasure. It was just, "overload."

I couldn't read the expression on his face, but he nodded and with a very strange glance over his shoulder at me, he headed for the Main Battery, "I'll be here if you need me."

I steeled myself for Miranda's discussion and filed Garrus' behavior away for later consideration. I really needed to learn to read turians better.

When Miranda finished telling me about her genetic perfection, I wanted to throw up. My god. And I thought my father was evil. At least I'd known what he was. I also had no sister to protect. Though if she was Miranda's twin, shouldn't she be allowed to protect herself at this point? Miranda had to be pushing thirty, after all. Hell, maybe her sister had young children that needed protection, too.

I turned to leave, but I didn't really feel like the conversation was over. Especially since my XO was sitting behind her desk looking like a lost little girl. "Look, I meant what I said. Genetics are what you make of them. We'll help your sister."

"Thank you, Shepard. I'm not used to being at a loss for what to do. I'm really not used to feeling helpless." I really wanted to hate her. I truly did. She'd resurrected me against my will and, hand-in-hand with The Illusive Man, she'd manipulated me since then, or tried to. But right now, she was cornered and lost.

I was also very unused to feeling sympathy for anyone like her. "Look, Miranda. It's tough, I know. But we'll protect your sister as soon as we can." Someone pinged my Omni-Tool and I activated it. Kelly Chambers was letting me know The Illusive Man needed to speak with me. "Look like our boss wants to chat, though."

An odd look passed across her perfect features, "He's really not a bad person, Shepard."

I closed my 'Tool and just looked at her, "If you really believe that, Miranda, I've got some ocean-front property in Arizona for sale. Cheap." I turned and left, heading for the briefing room.

The conversation with The Illusive Man was mercifully short. And full of bullshit. But I did learn one thing, Kaidan was on Horizon and the Collectors were headed straight for him. I'd save him and worry about who put him there when I got done. Hell, he could help me figure out who set him up as bait. I could use his level head in unraveling the Gordian Knot that was Cerberus' connection to the Alliance. I knew how the original Knot was actually taken care of, but I wasn't sure Operation Denmark was a sharp enough sword with only three anti-conspirators. Garrus was a brilliant detective, but Jack and I were fighters, not really used to research; I doubted our ability to help him wade through the twisty strands of almost- and not-quite-evidence. I needed Kaidan at my back and not just because the damned bed in my quarters was cold. I had very little hope after getting zero replies from my many emails, that he'd never found anyone else in two years. He was an attractive man, after all. As a matter of fact, I hoped he'd found comfort from someone to help him move on if he needed it. I certainly didn't want him miserable and pining for me. Personal feelings aside, though, I desperately needed his talents on this mission. I now had every intention of surviving it and bringing every one I could through alive and Kaidan would be perfect in that regard. We could deal with our personal issues, later.

And if the Collectors beat us there and harmed him, or worse, there wasn't a force in the universe that would stop me from going after them even harder than I was. After all, I now had a hand-held nuclear device.


	8. Chapter 8

_Bioware Owns All. This is a rework of a previous Log, so if parts seem familiar, you're not crazy._

**Captain's Personal Log: Horizon **

"Commander Meghan Shepard, Captain of the Normandy, first human Spectre, Savior of The Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

I sat in my cabin on that hard bench in one corner they called a couch, knees pulled up to my chest. I'd taken the pins out of my hair and it cascaded, long, blond, curly and unruly down my back. I closed my dry and gritty green eyes; my limbs ached with fatigue, my head throbbing with overuse of my implant from my biotics.

Back on Horizon, Kaidan Alenko had hugged me and it felt like I'd come home after a journey through hell. With his arms around me, the monsters we'd just fought through to save him were inconsequential and for the moment, I was sure everything was right with the galaxy. He'd come around that corner looking a little worse for wear. A few more crow's feet around his eyes, his curly hair not nearly as perfectly in place as regulation required, his dark green armor scuffed like he'd fought through his own battalion of those bug things to get to me.

But his voice, that wonderful voice that sounded the way velvet felt was harsh in my ears for the first time since I'd met him. The shock of the anger in it sliced straight through my core. "I thought you were dead, Shepard, we all did."

I poured myself a whiskey neat, but held it untouched in my hand. I stared at the dark brown color, the color of his eyes. The precious real tobacco cigarette from a pack I'd managed to acquire on Omega burned its way to ash from where it sat between my two fingers. I was unused to smoking and the acrid plume wafting from the burning end singed my nose and seared my lungs. I relented and inhaled a long puff, extending the ash further.

"I spent the past two years believing you were dead. I thought we had something Shepard, something real. I _loved_ you, thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me?" His words cut me. I'd tried everything, every way I could to find him. But he'd been so far off the grid, the grid didn't even register him. I'd had to give up, focus on the mission. Hope he'd moved on, even if it tore me up inside. The words wouldn't come and I stared at him helplessly, inanities dripping from my lips instead.

"Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

Horizon had been tough. The Collectors had been tougher. Kaidan had been the toughest. I slammed back the whiskey, tired of looking at it. It burned all the way down, like his words. I dumped the burnt down cigarette in another glass on the table and lit up another one. Loved. Past tense. _Bastard_.

"You're with Cerberus now? Garrus, too? I can't believe the reports were right." The agony in that voice made me want to run to him, throw myself in his arms and tell him it wasn't true.

But it was. It wasn't voluntary, but it was out of expedience. And utterly inexcusable in his eyes.

"Reports. You mean you already knew?" Garrus had demanded, rage and pain threading through his voice. I wanted to say something, to him, to Kaidan, but Kaidan continued, ripping my heart out through my chest, his handsome face twisted in hatred.

"You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed _me_."

Had he meant it? Had I betrayed every thing we fought for, everything Ashley had died for in staying with Cerberus and not cutting and running for the Council at the first opportunity? For letting Anderson talk me into his spying game? In this one instance, didn't the ends justify the means? My hand shook as I poured another whiskey. I took a pull on the new cigarette. I'd rushed through that colony, wrenching those bug things to biotic pieces, frantic to find him after the stillness and the emptiness of the town. My heart had nearly stopped when we'd found the first colonist frozen in place. Garrus had picked up on my urgency, but whether it was for me, or to save his friend, I don't know. My one thought, my only thought, had been, _Kaidan_.

Loved. Past tense.

He'd stood there on that field, wrapped in his self-righteousness, confident in his convictions after I'd risked my life to save him. Again. I could almost feel Garrus behind me, angrier on my behalf every second Kaidan spoke, every recrimination he'd unloaded on me. But Garrus had wisely held his tongue beyond his original outburst. Dirty laundry was better left unshared in front of Jacob Taylor. Which was why I'd greeted Kaidan the way I had. Cerberus or the Alliance (if they weren't the same animal) were already using him as bait. If I publically acknowledged my feelings for him, he'd be in more danger. But he didn't want to listen. He didn't want my explanation.

I felt cold. Numb. I puffed on my cigarette, the emptiness of the nicotine flooding my veins in a rush. He turned his back on me, leaving me with only Garrus to watch my six, ass deep in alligators. I remember shaking, my hand unsteady for the first time since I'd been resurrected as I called the Normandy to be picked up. Clinically dead for two years and my Kaidan asks why I didn't write or contact him?

I still woke in cold sweats as in my dreams I remembered dying. The air leaving my lungs, my vision fading as oblivion claimed me. My crew had flashed before my eyes, Joker, Liara, Tali, Wrex, Chakwas, Garrus; praying they were all safe, wherever they were. My last thought had been of him, glad he lived. As I died, I felt his hands on my face, his lips hungry, his bare skin pressed against mine, my legs and arms around his hips and shoulders as he pressed me into the bulkhead, burying himself inside me as far as he could go. His escape pod rocketing away from the corpse of the _Normandy_. This nightmare joined the hundreds of others from my past, Akuze, the Protheans, _Virmire_.

Loved. Past tense.

Had there been something else there, though? Something in those whiskey tinted eyes that was warning me he was lying with every fiber of his being? Could he have been lying? I didn't know. I wanted to think he was, pray he was. But his words, his actions, certainly showed me he didn't trust my judgment at all. He didn't trust my motivations. Had Kaidan grown cagey enough in two years to play that kind of subterfuge? His words, however, were all I had to go on. He said I betrayed him. But he betrayed me by not trusting me.

Loved. Past tense.

_The door chimed. He didn't wait for me to tell him to come in, for once, taking the initiative on his own, "Commander?"_

"_For now," I'd quipped. "The Alliance still has to catch me before they can strip my rank. What do you need?"_

"_I don't want to speak out of turn. I hope we're close enough after everything we've said already." He'd looked at me thoughtfully, his eyes steady, "What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard? We mutinied. Stole a prototype warship. If they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?" His mouth had drawn up into that adorable half smile. I felt the same physical reaction I'd felt the fist time he'd smiled at me like that: my knees went weak and I wanted to throw myself at him._

"_I don't know about the 'example' part. But as far as saving the galaxy, how good are first timers supposed to be?" I grinned, my hands on my hips._

_He laughed, "Fair enough. It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos." His voice lowered, got serious, making the base of my spine tingle, and he stepped close enough to touch, "If things don't go well, I want you to know – Well, I've enjoyed serving under you." _

_My grin widened, a shot of arousal, of need went straight to my groin, "Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of you serving under me. Don't you think it's time to rectify that?"_

_His arms slid around my waist, "Ouch," he laughed, low and slow and warmth spread through me from that tingle in my spine, "I walked right into that, didn't I?" He returned my grin, his hands sliding lower on my hips, "We could get drummed out of the service for fraternization. Of course, we'll probably get the firing squad for mutiny."_

_He pulled me closer, my hands went to his waist, closing our distance further, my grin faded. I wondered if he could tell how much I needed him just then. "You know what?" He continued, "You're right, about everything. I think about losing you and I can't stand it." He pulled me firmly against him, arms wrapping around my waist, his face inches from mine, "The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers, will come around again. But you and I, WE, are important right now." He tilted his head, "This is what will never happen again, US._

"_Shepard, you make me feel . . . human." His mouth was suddenly on mine, my blood roared in my ears as I returned his kiss, our tongues pushing past lips and teeth, assaulting each other's mouths. _

_Reluctantly, I pulled my lips away. His breathing was harsh, mine was, too. The distance between us still narrow I said, "Bunk here tonight, Kaidan. With me." _

_He brushed my lips with his, "Is that an order, Commander?"_

_I inhaled, sharply, pulling him tighter against me, his lips still soft against mine, feeling his arousal through our clothes, "Kaidan, you make me feel like I could take on the universe. And right now? I kinda have to."_

_I felt him nod, his breath still ragged, "This can't change anything, Shepard. This is a good crew, the finest I've served with. I don't want to mess it up." I only nodded and captured his mouth with mine again, my hands sliding up to entwine in his hair. He deepened our kiss, and started pulling my shirt out of my pants. _

_Quickly, our clothes ended up in a pile on the floor, we were each reluctant to separate our hungry mouths long enough to pay attention to where our uniforms ended up. I steered him backwards. My hands roamed his bare back, tracing his muscles, running my fingers over that golden skin of his. I lightly scraped my nails up his spine and was rewarded with a masculine growl in that velvet voice. He moved to push me onto the bed, but I was faster and knocked him onto the mattress on his back. _

_He lay there for a moment, those dark eyes roaming over my naked body. I took the opportunity to do the same. He was gorgeous, all lean lines and golden planes. A fine dusting of dark hair covered his pectorals and led down his chiseled abdominal muscles in a trail to where he lay thick and hard. He scooted up to the head of the bed, the muscles in his legs flexing, making my mouth go dry. I stared at him, my heart pounding. _

_He cocked an eyebrow at me, folding his hands behind his head, waiting. I grinned and climbed onto the bed, crawling up him, slowly. He looked at me, his eyes darkening as he pulled me toward him, that knowing half-smile teasing me. He wrapped his arms around me, and rolled us over. "I'm in command tonight, Shepard."_

I wiped my eyes. I drained the second whiskey and stubbed out my cigarette. Whatever he was actually up to, it was clear: we were over. I walked around to my desk and picked up his picture, looking at it for the last time. I ran my finger along that jaw line; he always seemed to have a five o'clock shadow, no matter how often he shaved. I opened the lowest drawer in my desk and put the picture face down in the bottom.

Loved.

I wound my hair back up into my habitual bun. It was time to go back to work. Work would save me. Work would keep me from drowning.

_Loved. _


	9. Chapter 9

_Bioware's playground. I'm just hanging out on the jungle gym._

**Captain's Personal Log: Omega Nebula, Fathar System, Lorek**

Work would definitely save me. I hadn't talked to my crew since before we'd arrived on Horizon. I needed to do something to break up the monotony of scanning for minerals, especially since my mind kept replaying my conversation with Alenko over and over and over again. _Loved._ I clenched my teeth.

Joker spun his seat around the second he heard my boots on his deck plates. He looked at me, a wary concern crossing his features. "Hey, Commander, it's, uh, pretty crazy the people you can run into out here, huhn? I mean, it was probably a set-up or something, but it was still good to see Kaidan, uh, Staff Commander Alenko. Wasn't it?" Joker asked, nervously twitching in his seat.

For one moment, anger raced through me like a brushfire. My hands shook and I almost flared up all over his cockpit, but I took a deep breath, getting my control back. The rage subsided just enough to be put back in its cage. "Another reminder of how I've lost more than time."

"Oh, good, because I was so not looking forward to your mood if that went bad." He grinned at me. Ordinarily, I'd laugh and give my smart assed pilot a break. Not today.

"I don't need this garbage. From you or him." My voice was barely civil. But I hadn't punched him. Yet.

He shrugged, his dark green eyes looking at me steadily. "There's a reason I don't date crew, Commander."

"Thanks for that update, Joker. And here I thought you and your palm were in a committed relationship." He winced and I immediately felt bad, "Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." I rubbed my forehead as he waited, his expression still angry and unfriendly. "He dumped me." I honestly didn't care that this conversation was being relayed to The Illusive Man verbatim. Joker's quick intake of air warned me he was about to say something sympathetic I couldn't handle, so I went back to something else he said. "And you're right. It was a setup."

Joker's eyes widened. "By who? Cerberus or the Alliance?"

I rubbed my eyes. I think the implants were making them burn. Yeah, implants, that's what the problem was. "Does it matter?"

He looked at me, his head tilted. "No, I guess from our perspective, it doesn't."

"Good. Find me something to shoot. And when you get a chance, have Jack tell you about _Hamlet_." I turned on my heel to leave.

He called after me, "I'm not going to have to sit through all 14 hours of the elcor production, am I?"

I left his cockpit laughing. That had probably been the little bastard's goal to begin with.

Joker found me something to shoot. We'd gotten an assignment from Cerberus to find one of their operatives that had infiltrated an Eclipse cell. I discovered I couldn't really care less about whether the guy was alive or dead, but it was the chance to shoot a few mercs. I dragged Jack down with us, I went nowhere without Vakarian. Once out of the Kodiak, however, I didn't take the opportunity to talk to them. I stalked ahead, gun out, waiting for someone to jump us. It was just that kind of place, a shabby looking pre-fab building sticking out of the side of mountain.

I wanted to blow it up.

We entered the base and were hit by heavy fire immediately. I grinned and threw myself behind cover. Just what I wanted. I felt my anger fill me and ordered Garrus to overload a Vanguard's shields. Shotgun out, I marshaled the mnemonic for Charge. "Son of a bitch, it's my lucky day," I muttered and released my biotic energy so that it flared around me and I flew across the room, hitting the other Vanguard so hard she flew backwards into the wall and her neck snapped. _One more asari not making it to her matron years_, I thought to myself and spun to attack the salarian, punching the alien in the face and blowing him away with a another shogun blast. Another asari came out of nowhere and peppered my shield with bullets, my HUD screaming at me about battle damage as pain lanced through my torso and I screamed a curse. I flung myself behind a crate, panting, to allow my shields to regenerate and the medigel to heal me, letting Garrus drop her shields.

After the short explosion of his overload, my HUD blinked to show my shields' restoration and I bared my teeth and peered out. The asari bitch that took my shields down was advancing on Jack. I brought up the biotic field, feeling it electrify my skin and shot myself at the asari at the speed of sound. She bounced off me and sailed over Jack who took her out with a shotgun blast. I spun, looking for another merc. I ducked another hail of bullets, but didn't bother diving for cover. I hurled myself at the salarian tech shooting me, tossing the fragile alien into Garrus, who punched him into the floor and shot him. I grinned at the tall man who frowned back at me as Jack ran to the back room to steal anything not nailed down. I turned to the console behind me.

The fact that I was here to rescue a terrorist from other terrorists amused me no end. The reports listed in the screen confirmed it was an Eclipse base and they'd been torturing the Cerberus stooge for quite some time until they killed him. I glanced at Garrus after reading the logs and found he was still glaring at me. I ignored him. I was in no mood to deal with him. I wasn't done shooting things. Or blowing them up. Or hitting them with my body at the speed of sound.

And no, I wasn't imagining Kaidan's face when I impacted.

I turned off the screen and Garrus flung me to the ground, hauling me behind a low wall and holding me down with his own heavily armored body. My face was up close and personal with his neck, the scent of metal, caramel and something that could only be described as sweaty turian overwhelmed me. "What the hell, Vakarian?" A spray of bullets answered me and he just looked at me like I was missing a few brain cells.

"Have you completely lost your mind, Shepard?" He shouted at me as he turned to fire over the wall.

"Shut up and shoot, Vakarian!" I shouted back, moving away and readying myself for a Charge.

"Would you two stop bitching and fight!" Jack yelled at us from where she was crouched.

I didn't answer her and Charged the first one to lose his shields. This fight was slightly more difficult since their leader was cowering behind a column and pinning Garrus down with near-constant fire. I ran up behind him, my HUD telling me his armor was down to half. Three shotgun blasts and the leader lay twitching at my feet. I kicked him for good measure. When I looked up, Garrus was pointing Jack toward the front door. I didn't hear all he said and I didn't actually care. I knew something wasn't quite right with me, but there wasn't anything I could do about it yet. It would go away.

Eventually.

I stood in front of another console, ignoring the stinking corpse on the other side of the room. Data. Heavily encrypted. I opened my Omni-Tool and downloaded the data. I stood and stared at it for a moment. I should send it to Anderson, maybe even to Kaidan. I really should.

I closed the 'Tool and turned to see Garrus leaning in the doorway, glowering at me, his cheekplates tucked in tight and hanging low on his jaw and his brow ridges drawn together. "What?"

"What was it you asked me the other day? 'Why the fuck do you have to play the hero all the goddamned time?'" he demanded.

"Who said I was trying to be a hero? I was _trying_ to get the job done." I hit the "erase database" function on the console a little too enthusiastically.

He stepped closer to me, "Getting the job done and committing suicide are two different things, Shepard."

I glared at him, "Is that your expert opinion, _Archangel_?"

He shook his head, his arms crossing over his chest, "Don't you dare bring Omega into this, Shepard."

I stepped closer, still glaring up at him, breathing heavily with the need to hit something again. Hell, it might even be him, this time. "Then don't question my tactics again."

"Tough. I'm going to question them when you put yourself and the rest of our team in danger."

"What danger? They were all focusing on me!" I nearly shouted.

"And thank Spirits for that," he rolled his eyes sarcastically and poked my armored shoulder, "You die, what happens to us? The rest of the galaxy?"

"I don't give a fuck about the rest of the galaxy," I snarled.

"That's too bad, Shepard. The rest of the galaxy is depending on you, whether they know it or not. Whether they care or not." His voice dropped to that lower register that made my spine tingle, "And your team is depending on you, too."

"My team? Or just you?"

He just stared at me until Jack burst through the doorway, "Are we getting the fuck off this rock, or not?"

Back on the Normandy, I stormed away from Garrus without a word on my way to my quarters. I needed a shower and I needed food, in that order. Kelly's far-too-cheerful voice informed me as I passed that I had an email. As if I couldn't check it myself.

Sighing, I reached my quarters and stripped out of my armor, leaving only my red lace bra and undies on. Still in that bad mood that had caused Garrus to get so irritated with me, I padded up the short stairs to my desk in my underwear, my dog tags bouncing against my breasts. I flopped down and sucked on the edge of one in an absentminded habit as I queued up my mail. I froze as the header of one said, "_About Horizon…"_

_Shepard,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on, I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me… maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember, I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things have settled down a little… maybe… I don't know. Just take care._

_-Kaidan_

I stared at the screen, my mouth dry. Rage worse than I'd felt since he turned his back on me at Horizon flooded my veins. I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach and my shoulders tense up and my heart race as if I were about to enter a kill zone. A frission of dark energy crept up and down my skin as I tried to reign in my temper, before my biotics went off. What the hell was he playing at? I clenched my fingers around the edge of my desk, digging my short nails into the plastic. He didn't know who either of us _was_? I was still the same pragmatic, bullheaded Marine who happened to be a woman. I still had the Semper Fi tattooed on my ass I'd gotten on a drunken dare back in the Academy, which was, strangely enough, intact, despite my death and reconstruction. The same woman who had apparently been in love with an idiot. I put my head in my hands. _Gunfire, blood, screaming, my fellow Marines being snatched from me in the dark._ I know all about survivor's guilt, Alenko.

Hands shaking, I pulled the pins out of my hair and shook it out. OK, so he wasn't an idiot. He just didn't believe I'd been dead. He'd rather believe I'd been undercover and lying to him than that I'd been dead. He'd rather believe I'd sold out and was working for the people who'd murdered my unit. I couldn't see the logic in that, but I could see how the betrayal would be easier to wrap your brain around. So… I was either delusional, or a lying sociopath? That's what he was going with? I think it was obvious he didn't know me, but did I know him? He was beginning to sound like the Council. If I ran into him again and he air quoted at me, I'd throw him out the nearest airlock!

_If_ I was still the woman he remembered? Really, Alenko? I pinched the bridge of my nose, feeling nauseated. I made it to the bathroom in time to throw up the protein bar I'd wolfed down before Lorek. Shaking, I took off my underwear and turned on the shower, turning it punishingly cold. I stepped into it, hoping it would cool my temper as well as my skin. The icy water sluiced over me, and I shivered. My heart slowed its rapid beat. Was he the man _I_ remembered? The man I remembered wouldn't have turned his back on me on Horizon. He helped me steal the _Normandy_! He helped me commit treason! For if we failed in our gambit to stop Sovereign, that was definitely the charge that awaited us. But… to not see that I was forced into something? To not let me explain that my back was against the airlock and I had no way out? To not see that I was trying to protect him? I'd given up the idea of revenge for Akuze years ago, even if I was presented with my unit's murders now. The needs of the colonists took precedence over my vendetta. I leaned my forehead against the cool metal of the bathroom wall.

He once told me he always left a way out. Apparently, this letter was his way out.

I got out of the shower and dried off. Pulling on a fresh set of undies, this time in black lace, I sat back down at my desk and pulled his picture out of my drawer and put it on my desk in front of me and stared at it.

_I didn't keep track of the number of times we made love after killing Saren and Sovereign. I'd given everyone a brief shore leave, a mere twenty-four hours, and I'd kicked them all off the ship, except Joker, since he refused to leave. The cargo bay was empty as Wrex and Garrus had already gone their own ways. Garrus, to C-Sec, with the promise to rejoin us when he'd gotten his Spectre-hood. Wrex, to Tuchanka to help his people. I was visiting Ashley's station. I'd gone down there frequently since Virmire to give her an update, talking to the empty weapons bench. That's where he found me. _

_Warm, strong hands on my shoulders. That velvet voice, "I miss her, too."_

"_I wanted to tell her again. I thought she'd want to know. That we killed him. That we won." I rubbed my cheek on his hand. He raised his thumb to stroke my face in return, his gun-calloused fingers wonderfully rough on my skin. I hadn't bothered to put up my hair this morning and his other hand stroked through it, tangling in the curls and sending shocks down my spine._

"_What was it you said? It wasn't my fault, it wasn't your fault. It was Saren's fault. And, I guess, Sovereign's," he told me, softly, pressing up against my back, his hands sliding down to my waist._

_I turned and put my hands on his face, tracing his cheekbones with my thumbs, feeling the rasping of his stubble against my fingers and palms. His whiskey-brown eyes were half lidded, the look that meant I was wearing too many clothes. "Have I told you how beautiful you are, lately?"_

_I smiled, "No, Lieutenant Alenko, I don't believe you have. I think you need to fix that."_

_He pulled me tighter to him and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I felt his hard body against mine, and felt how happy he was to be there pressing against the front of my hips. "Then allow me to rectify that situation, Commander," he told me and brought his mouth down to mine. My sorrow over the loss of my friend submerged beneath the sheer want of him. The bare need for him I'd felt since I'd gotten on board this ship a little over a year ago. I dropped control of my biotics just enough to feel the electric tingle flare up all over with an answering and extremely delicious shock as he did the same. His tongue pushed into my mouth and I entwined mine with his, feeling myself grow wet from just his kiss and our merged biotic fields. He lifted me up and pushed me against Ash's workstation. Without thinking about it, I wrapped my legs around his hips, feeling his erection press against my own damp arousal. _

_The feeling brought me back to myself. I pulled my mouth away and rested my forehead against his, "No, we can't. Not here."_

_He groaned, "Where then?"_

"_Anywhere, just not on Ash's bench." _

_He set me on my feet and turned to look out over the cargo bay. That small half-smile began to play about the corners of his mouth, "Come on." He dragged me away from the bench and across the bay to the Mako. I began to grin in response when I figured out his plan. _

_He pushed me up against the hull of the tank and yanked my shirt over my head, my tags coming off with it, his biotics flaring against my skin again. The searing warmth of his body against my front and the aching cold of the metal against my back made my head spin. His thumbs rubbed against my nipples through the blue lace of my push-up bra and I felt a spike of heat shoot straight to my groin. I captured his mouth with mine and pulled his shirt out of his pants. He hit the door control on the armored rover and silently the hatch slid back. I yanked his shirt over his head, his tags bouncing back against his pecs, and we threw our shirts inside and stumbled in after them, falling to the transport's floor, me on top. I sat up, straddling his hips and ground against him, wrenching a masculine gasp from his throat. He yanked at my belt with eager fingers. "God, Shepard, you look damned good in your BDUs, but they are a pain in the ass to get off."_

_I fumbled at his belt and leaned down, "I could say the same about yours." I kissed him as I finally got his belt unbuckled._

If he'd really been that messed up by my death, that the furthest he'd gotten with another woman was _drinks_, my coming back into his life was not a good idea. I needed to cut him loose. Especially until after this mission. The one I may not come back from. I couldn't die on him a second time. He needed to think it was over. That Horizon was it. Garrus' face floated in my vision, his blue eyes narrowed in laughter, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. I stood up and paced my small office, not caring if I was giving the surveillance cameras in my quarters a show. I twisted my tags around my neck, sucking on the chain.

I needed to talk to someone, and it wasn't going to be Kelly Chambers. Anything I said to her would be on the next report to The Illusive Man. Back during the hunt for Saren, Kaidan had been my sounding board, unused to it though he was. He'd bolstered my confidence more than once with his quiet assurance that he had faith in me.

He had no faith in me now. I felt the room spin a little and had to run to throw up again. Oh, look, the rest of the protein bar. I despised him just then. His lack of faith in me shook my own faith in myself to my core. Was he right? Was I cutting the corners he'd warned me about so long ago? No. I couldn't think like that. Thinking like that would get us all killed. It would get Garrus killed. And it sure as hell wouldn't save those colonists.

I brushed my teeth. I forced myself to dry my hair and put it back up, twisting it mercilessly. I hated the fact that I felt like I needed to talk about this. I couldn't go around doubting my decisions on this mission. It was too important and too dangerous.

But no. I flopped down on my desk chair, preparing to reply to the man who'd ripped my heart out of my chest and lit it on fire. What on earth or above it could I say? I'm sorry I died? I'm sorry you don't believe me? I'm sorry you don't believe _in_ me? I'm sorry you can't forgive me? My feelings were something I needed to resolve myself, and I did need to resolve them, as much as I'd prefer to ignore them. Another face floated in front of the eyes of my memory, dark-skinned, chiseled jaw, melting brown eyes, close-cropped black curls. Faces of my dead, the ones that never really left.

It didn't matter how much I needed to unburden myself, not to Garrus or even Joker. It was unfair of me to dump any of this on any of my crew, even if they were my friends, too. Keeping up appearances was just as important to a commander as making the big decisions. My doubts would just have to remain that, mine and mine alone.

But I did owe Garrus an apology.


	10. Chapter 10

_Bioware's party, I'm just crashing it._

**Captain's Personal Log: The Quarian**

Before we'd dropped into Haestrom's orbit, I'd tried many times on our trip here to corner Garrus and talk to him. He was always polite enough, but still firm in his rejections. "Can it wait for a bit?" He'd jerk his thumb toward his weapons console, "I'm in the middle of some calibrations." I'd walk away, gnashing my teeth.

I'd even cornered him once in the mess. Everyone was in their bunk or headed there. Except maybe Joker, who I swear lived in that pilot's seat. However, Garrus had taken to eating late in his continuing quest to avoid me. He forgot my biotic appetite, though. I always needed something to eat, usually a PB&J, before I went to bed. He was rummaging through the cabinets hunting for his own food supplies I guess when I paused behind him, hesitating. "Good evening, Garrus."

He jumped and knocked over a box. I picked it up and handed it to him, managing to stay serious. It wouldn't help my apology if I laughed. He took the box and grabbed a bottle of water and left me standing there in Gardner's kitchen, giving me only a nod in acknowledgement. I stared after him as he headed to the elevator that would take him to the crew quarters. Fine. If he wanted to play it that way, I could ignore him, too.

In the morning, The Illusive Man was seriously beginning to bother me. First, he had the gall to admit that Kaidan and Horizon had been bait for the Collectors. Second, he infuriated me by asking, "Can I assume you've put your past relationships behind you?" If I ever found out where he was broadcasting from, I'd fire my Hand Cannon between his eyes. Speaking of eyes, his seemed to get more and more mechanical-looking the more frequently I spoke with him. I had my doubts about the hologram's appearance being what the man actually looked like, but those blue robotic eyes made my skin crawl.

The mechanical-eyed bastard passed me three more dossiers. Two of them were as cryptically named as the others had been, though none of them as mysterious as "Archangel," one of them was named, simply, "Tali." Huhn, I guess after Freedom's Progress, the Illusive Man was either underestimating Tali's friendship with me, or deciding that since Garrus hadn't thrown me "off mission," I could be trusted to have another ally at my back.

A sour taste rose in the back of my throat at how I was being manipulated.

I walked into the main battery unannounced, apparently startling the turian. "Garrus, you got a minute?" I swear my tone was polite.

And still he pulled that same bullshit response, "Can it wait for a—"

"No," I snapped, cutting him off. His silver-blue eyes widened. "It can't. Tali's in trouble. Gear up and get Grunt, it's time for his test run. We're deep in geth space, and our friend's ass is hanging out. We can't get any readings from the planet because the damned sun's dying and excessively irradiating everything in the system."

He blinked at me, taking in my information and the clipped tone in which I'd delivered it. "Aye, Commander. We'll meet you at the Kodiak in fifteen."

I crossed my arms and glared at him. He hadn't called me Commander outside of a joke since the first time we'd run into each other on the Citadel, "Make it ten. She doesn't have a lot of time." I spun on my heel and left to get my own gear.

Saving Tali's ass for a second time was exhausting. Tali'Zorah got into more trouble on her own than anyone living had a right to. Hell, the first time I met her, she was trying to arrange a meeting with the Shadow Broker but had run afoul of a local crime boss. I'd had to bail her ass out of a tight spot on Freedom's Progress, too. And now, on Haestrom. I loved her like a little sister, but damn, she needed a keeper.

Down on the irradiated planet's surface, we were swarmed by geth immediately. I dove behind cover, only to nearly land on top of Garrus. He managed to slide out from under me, somehow, without exposing either of us to enemy fire. "Watch it, Shepard."

I ignored him and drew my submachine gun. Killing geth was almost like old times, but when I looked over at my friend to share the memory, he was studiously advancing to the next crate for cover, his sniper rifle at the ready. The krogan followed him, his shotgun out. What the hell did Vakarian think he was doing? I was the one with the armor and shields built to withstand more punishment. Was this some weird turian thing where the commander needed to stay in the rear of the squad?

We fought our way through the horde of geth and finally found some respite from the sun and the synthetics' weapons in a small enclosure to the east. I stood panting, trying to cool off somehow. My suit's environmental compensators were stressed and I was probably sweating too much for them. I knew the body suit I wore under my armor was drenched. I put the canteen to my lips and sipped carefully. We weren't going to be down here long enough to have to resort to the water reclamation technology in our suits, thankfully, but I still wanted to preserve what supplies we had. I glanced at Garrus and found him leaning against the opposite wall, so very carefully not looking at me he might as well have been staring at me. "Grunt, go upstairs."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it," I ordered him. "Keep an eye on our six while we're recuperating for a moment."

Grunt stomped back up to the second level and I stepped closer to Garrus, "What the hell is your problem?"

"There is no problem, Commander." He put an emphasis on my title I didn't like. He was either reminding me of it, or resenting it, or both.

"Do you have a problem with my tactics, Vakarian?"

The flinch was nearly imperceptible but he still wouldn't look at me. "Of course not, Commander."

"I'm sorry, were you under the impression the Primes would respond to my harsh language and lie down and die?" I demanded.

He finally looked at me, tension infusing him from his drawn-in mandibles to his rigid shoulders. "You take too many risks, Commander. It will jeopardize the mission."

"Why do I think that's not the entire story?"

"Think what you want. I'm only looking out for the mission." His eyes went back to looking over my shoulder to the open doorway.

"You are full of it, Vakarian. If you've got a fucking problem then tell me!"

He glanced toward the ramp where Grunt had disappeared and turned his predatorial gaze to me, "Ever since Alenko opened his damned mouth on Horizon, you've been making more and more dangerous decisions in fights. He's not worth getting killed over! Again!"

I fought the urge to slap him. "I want you to rethink your argument, here, Officer Vakarian."

He leaned his face closer to mine, "Did you hear what I said? He's. Not. Worth. It."

Before I could stop myself, my gloved hand shot out and with my open-palm, I struck my friend across his face with my full augmented strength. He rocked back on his heels and his hand went to his jaw, rubbing it. "Feeling defensive?"

My hands flew to my mouth and I stared at him wide eyed. Then his words sank in. "What the hell, Vakarian? Is there a particular reason you're trying to get me to kick your ass?"

"Just what I already said."

I narrowed my eyes at him, "You son of a bitch," I began. The squawking of our radios interrupted us. Tali was trying to radio her Marines on the frequency Kal'Reegar had told us to use. We glared at each other and I told him, "This isn't over, Vakarian."

"You're right, Shepard, it isn't." I guess you really couldn't continue to call your CO by her title if you're spitting mad at her and had also just called her a jackass. I called Grunt down and the three of us headed out to find the explosives for the fallen wall.

Once past the wall and through a short maze of rooms, we were set upon by dozens of drones and a few Primes. Reciting every swear word I'd ever learned, I threw myself behind a block for cover. Grunt crouched behind a wall and Garrus raced for cover across the open floor. I watched him, my heart in my throat as I tried to provide him cover fire from my low block. I held my breath, firing at the Prime until I saw that he was safe. The drones kept up their constant fire and I continuously ordered the two men (OK, one man and one boy) to fire their Concussive Rounds as soon as Garrus' Overloads and my hail of incendiary rounds did their trick and depleted the drones' shields. The Prime, its armor nearly exhausted, retreated. I rushed forward in anger; eager to keep it from getting away, cursing its sneakiness.

The drones focused on me and my shield fell almost immediately. I took one out but before I made it to cover, my HUD started screaming at me about damage and then I was yanked off my feet and found myself shoved against the wall and a very angry turian snarled at me, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?"

He fired an Overload at a drone that had gotten too close and Grunt shot the thing down. Vakarian pointed a finger at me, actually ordering me to stay put! I stared at him, what the hell was wrong with him? His back was to me and he and Grunt were staring in the opposite direction. Before I could tell him to shove his "stay put," I heard the distinctive mechanical whirring and hydraulic movement of metal joints coming up on my left that indicated the wounded Prime was coming back around the other side for us. I readied the mnemonic for Charge, again, and drew my shotgun. It was planning to surprise us, but I'd spring its trap.

I peered around the corner to find the Prime creeping up on us. It spotted me looking at it and began to rush me. I yelled, "Prime, two-o'clock!" And then, I let loose with my Charge. It was a short, but tense, fight. I hit it with a Charge and then the Prime would fire at me as my suit worked overtime to pump me full of Medigel until I finally gathered the energy to shoot myself back at it, renewing my shields. It kept firing at me, relentlessly, but I didn't let up, either. The arrival of more drones just made the fight that much more interesting. The drones peppered me with their own bullets, knocking down my reserves faster, until Garrus and Grunt were finally able to draw their fire allowing me to concentrate on finishing the Prime. The thing finally fell at my feet in a spray of white fluid that splattered my dark red armor. The drones went back to firing on me until I threw myself behind a nearby stone block, my chest heaving as I sucked in the superheated air as fast as I could while my suit pumped me full of Medigel.

The red haze faded from my vision. I was finally able to breathe through the gut shot my suit was healing for me. I looked around to find we'd gotten a break in the geth onslaught. Garrus merely glared at me and sniper rifle at the ready, advanced. I gave my head a shake and advanced ahead of him. It took taking down a couple more Primes before we finally got to a room under security lock down. "Well, isn't this cozy." I began to hack into the security lockdown.

"You know, I can do that," Garrus told me.

I glanced at him, "They gave me this shiny new skill. I'm having fun." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him and Grunt exchange a look. Or rather, I saw the back of the turian's head and Grunt rolled his eyes. I finally hacked the lockdown and the blast doors opened, granting us a panoramic view of a field crawling with geth and a . . .

"Colossus!" Garrus yelled, unnecessarily.

"Get down!" I dove at him, hoping Grunt obeyed. The Colossus fired, filling the small guard room with a lightning storm and I landed on Garrus, my upper body curving around his, my arms covering his head. His fringe wasn't as hard as it looked, but it was difficult to tell more from under my gloves. He'd dropped his gun or I knocked it out of his hands, and I could feel that his arms had gone around me, catching me. I'd ducked my head down and buried my face in his neck. After the lightning storm abated, I pushed up on my hands and turned my head to see Grunt sitting against the wall with the blast doors. I looked down at Garrus to find him staring up at me.

"Commander?"

"Are you all right?" I demanded.

"Yes. Why are you laying on me?"

I frowned at him, then slid off, careful to keep myself below the level of the windows. I ignored Garrus' question and asked Grunt, "Are you all right?"

The young krogan grunted an affirmation and stood up, carefully keeping his body positioned between the windows. We headed down to fight a Colossus on foot. "Times like these, I really miss the Mako," I muttered.

I talked Kal'Reegar down and managed to convince him to watch our six while we dealt with the geth and the Colossus. It wasn't easy, the stubborn quarian took some persuasion to allow us to take over the heavy lifting. When he finally subsided, my team and I began to work on the geth in earnest. I decided the high ground was the best place to take it on, so we fought our way over the catwalk, the geth falling before us in little white splashes of whatever fluid they used for blood.

I stood on the catwalk, crouching behind the low wall. The Colossus had noticed us. It was firing its cannon at us and making it difficult to shoot. "Garrus, keep Overloading it till its shields drop. Grunt, if anything other than Kal'Reegar moves out there, shoot it." A dual "Aye," answered my orders. I turned my attention back to the Colossus. I had my new toy with me, the M-90 Cain, but I didn't think it would do any good at the moment due to Kal'Reegar's warning about the repairing protocol. According to my HUD, the shields were ridiculously strong and it was taking Garrus forever to overload them. Under the shields was a shell of armor strong enough to withstand planetary entry, so I doubted that would be easy to get through either. If I fired my Cain too soon, it wouldn't destroy it right away, and the thing would repair itself before I could give it any more damage. I swapped out the new Tempest SMG I'd found on this mission and started firing at the geth's version of a tank.

With my rapid-fire assistance, the shields dropped faster. Garrus continued shooting with his sniper rifle and I switched to my Hand Cannon. We were still killing it with bug bites, but apparently not to the point where it felt it needed to repair yet. I watched the armor readouts for the machine drop steadily and when it got to the halfway mark, I pulled out the Cain and braved the enemy fire long enough to charge the weapon and release its payload. It was a race which of us would fire first, the Colossus or my Cain. My vision was growing hazy with pain from the rounds I was taking since my shields had dropped. If I didn't get this shot off, Garrus would be dragging my ass back to the ship in a body bag and Tali would die.

The massive gun finally fired and I threw myself down to the ground under the bright burning sky and the mushroom cloud that shot up from the blast site. When the air cleared, my HUD told me the Colossus was still standing, badly wounded, but still standing. "Fucking hell!"

I switched the Cain out for my shotgun and Charged my way to it, ignoring Garrus' shouted, "Shepard, no!"

I smashed into the thing at the speed of sound and rocked it off its feet before it could initiate its repair protocols. My shields recharged, I fired off a few shotgun rounds until I'd recovered enough to Charge it again. It was readying a new blast from its main gun when I Charged it for a third time. The final impact crumpled the machine like a tin can. I straightened up, grinning as Kal'Reegar's shouted cheer rang out across the battlefield. I turned and met Garrus' eyes and he shook his head ruefully at me. Grunt raised his own shotgun, pumping it in the air in victory, letting out a krogan battleroar.

Back on the Normandy with Tali safe and sound and gladly joining us, I finally felt some of the tension in my shoulders ease at the addition of another person I trusted implicitly to my crew. I quickly walked to the elevator, more to get out of my nasty, sweaty armor than to avoid Kelly Chambers. I didn't want to chat with her, but I wanted even less to stay in this sticky mess I was currently sealed into. Of course, since Garrus, Grunt, and Tali had beaten me to the elevator to get to the crew deck while I got a status report from Joker, I had to wait for the thing to come back to the CIC.

I finally got to my quarters, gratefully peeling off my armor. The rush of cool air against my skin was a small slice of heaven, even if I was still covered by the thermal body suit that was supposed to keep me cool. I wondered if I could report to Cerberus that their experimental cooling technology had failed. My hair was matted with sweat, what hadn't completely escaped my bun and spiraled out around my face that is. My fair skin was red and damp from the heat of the planet we just left. Had Garrus or Grunt had trouble with the heat? But then, since he and Grunt were from much hotter worlds than Earth, I doubt they'd been swimming in a pool of their own sweat inside their armor. The heat really must've gotten to me, if I was wondering about alien bodily cooling mechanics. I tried to avoid thinking of his behavior on the planet, though. I could allow my oldest friend some insubordination, but not if it jeopardized the mission or got Grunt thinking he could do the same.

I finally shucked myself out of the thermal body suit, took the pins out of my bun and fell back on my bed in just my underwear, white lace to be exact. I preferred to at least feel like a girl under my armor. I was trying to stop sweating before I used my shower. I didn't have a lot of time to cool down. Jacob was supposed to help me debrief Tali in an hour. Given Tali's prickliness, and the tension toward Cerberus I'd seen on Freedom's Progress, that meeting should be fun. I lay there, my hands resting on my stomach, over the hatch mark of scars under my ribcage. There were several other sets of scars, still red and angry from where Cerberus had pieced me back together. The majority of them had begun to fade as I healed, as their technology healed me, but some stayed angry and red. My right shoulder still ached when I was immobile and I could still feel a hitch in my hip when I wasn't in the supportive exoskeleton of my armor, but Miranda assured me those problems would eventually go away.

A chime sounded at my door, and I called out, "Just a second!" Grumpily, I grabbed my red satin robe to throw on. It hit about mid-thigh and wasn't precisely professional attire, but whoever was bothering me now would have to live with it. I was still way too sweaty to deal with clothes. I opened the door to find Garrus standing in the doorway. "Vakarian?"

His eyes widened as he took in my state of undress and I merely stared back at him. He was still in his armor, no surprise there, but he hadn't even cleaned up, yet. I could smell him from where I stood and his armor was still liberally coated with the geths' synthetic blood. Oddly, his smell wasn't bad, like most human males would be. I quickly squashed the all too unwelcome memory of the way Kaidan had smelled after a battle. And how much I'd liked it. "Sorry, Shepard, I'll make it quick."

I waved him in and tightened the sash holding my robe closed. It wouldn't do to flash the man, after all. He stopped just inside my door way, standing in my "office." Rubbing the back of his neck with one gloved hand, he looked at me out of the corner of his eye, "I shouldn't have said what I said down on the planet."

"No, you shouldn't have. I really wish you'd have brought your concerns to me in private, rather than dealing with them in a mission." I crossed my arms, but tried not to let it hitch the skirt of my robe higher, or let it gape at the top. "I've been trying to talk to you about what happened on Lorek for quite some time, Garrus."

"And I've been avoiding you." He at least had the grace to sound embarrassed.

"Yes, you have." He crossed his arms and bowed his head. I stepped closer and put my hand on his arm and looked up into his downcast face, "Look, I'm not going to get myself killed again. Not even over Kaidan. And not because he's 'not worth it.' But because I don't want to die again. I don't think it agreed with me the first time."

His cheekplates flared in a grin but then he sobered and glared at me, "Then what's the charging around at enemies, all of a sudden?"

I blinked. I usually forgot that to non-biotics the things we did seemed impossible and crazy. I could see where throwing myself at supersonic speeds toward something trying to kill me would seem suicidal to an outsider. Was it to our credit I often forgot we were so different? "Cerberus upgraded my biotic implant. I was an L3. But now I'm an L5n. It has a few new features."

It was his turn to stare at me in astonishment, "Wait, you're telling me you did that _on purpose_? As _a tactic_?"

I nodded, "Yes. And as you saw, a highly effective one, too. It instantly recharges my shields." His arms dropped to his sides as he gaped at me, lost for words, "I suppose I should have told you about it?" I offered.

"It would have been nice to have some warning, yes."

"Sorry, Garrus. I'd only just figured out how to use it effectively on Horizon, myself."

He rubbed the back of his neck again, "Just do me a favor and let me know the next time you figure out how to use one of your new abilities, please? My heart almost stopped the first time you did that."

I laughed, "I promise. As long as you promise not to disapprove so publicly next time. I can't afford Grunt or Jack, or, God forbid, Miranda and Jacob to start questioning me because I let you get away with it."

He nodded, "All right, deal."

"Now, get out." I told him, grinning. "I still need a shower, and frankly, so do you."


	11. Chapter 11

_Bioware's world, I'm just visiting it._

**Captain's Personal Log: Omega Nebula, Amada System, Alchera **

I stood on the frozen planet that had become the _Normandy's_ grave. My grave. If Cerberus hadn't spent four billion credits to piece me back together and blackmail me into working with them, my corpse would still be here and I wouldn't be caring about the men and women I'd once served with. I stood looking out over the wreckage, feeling a chill steal over my spine, and goosebumps pebble my flesh and not from the cold. I guess in this case, the old adage was correct. Except I was the one walking over my own grave. Tali and Garrus climbed out of the shuttle behind me, Joker and Dr. Chakwas behind them. The five of us stood there, the humans on my left, the aliens on my right, just silently staring at the frozen graveyard of our former home.

Corporal Richard L. Jenkins

The planet was nothing more than a random ball of ice in some backwater system on the Rim. We'd been flying through the system on a routine sweep, hunting for geth patrols and outposts. The unmapped ice planet spun lazily beneath the Normandy's hull as we rounded its orbit, using its gravity well to boost us further in-system. Joker had piloted that ship with a maestro's touch. Williams had once teased him that the only action he got was at the helm of that machine. His retort had been that the ship was a better lover than the sniper rifle Williams was married to. God, I missed Ashley.

Rosamund Draven.

The silence of the frozen grave was thick, impenetrable. My breath hissed in my ears as I stood there. Usually you could hear something if the planet had even a residual atmosphere: wind, rocks falling, something. But this place was silent. Completely and totally, profoundly silent. We soon separated to go to the parts of the ship we wanted to mourn for ourselves. I asked one thing of them before they left, "Think of where you want to put the memorial, please." Silently, we all drifted apart.

Talitha Draven

Hackett had asked me to find the remains or signs of the missing crewmembers, the few who hadn't made it to the escape pods.

Silas Crosby

I followed Joker in his armored suit. He walked even more uncomfortably than usual. But how much of that was the suit and how much his grief, I didn't know. He stood, head bowed, in front of the remains of the cockpit. I didn't even know he'd heard me come up until he spoke. He hung his head, looking at his boots, "I'm sorry I killed you, Shepard. The geth couldn't do it. Saren couldn't do it. Hell, a Reaper couldn't do it. But I did it." I wondered if I should acknowledge the tears I heard in his voice or ignore them.

Harvey J. Gladstone

"I was only mostly dead, Jeff," I told him, going for humor.

He twisted around to glare at me, "Don't. Don't joke about that, ever, Shepard! You should have left me!"

Addison Chase

I glared at him; this wallowing was going to do more harm than good. Going through hell as we were planning to do would require him to be sharp. And I just couldn't handle my friend feeling this terrible. "And would Cerberus spend 4 billion credits putting YOUR sorry ass back together, Jeff?"

He paused a moment and then choked back a laugh, "No, I guess not."

Jamin Bakari

I put my hands on my armored hips, "Well, then, since I am the indispensible and indomitable Commander Fucking Shepard, I order you to stop feeling guilty." I softened my voice, "It was my choice, Jeff. A choice I'd make again." _I don't leave my people, my friends, behind. Never again, not after Virmire, not after Akuze. Ashley, forgive me._

Germeen Barrett

He nodded and I patted him on the back. I left him to stare at the cockpit where he'd essentially lived for a year. Chakwas was standing by what used to be the sleeping pods, near the med bay. Her aristocratic voice was broken as she told me, "I could really use a shot right about now. Too bad my only bottle of brandy went down with this _Normandy_." She hugged her arms to her chest. I walked over and put my arm around her shoulder.

Hector Emerson

"I know, Doc, I know. I'm just glad you were able to get off in time," I told her.

She turned her helmeted head to look at me, "You know, the captain is only supposed to go down with the ship in old vids, Commander. I'm glad you saved Jeff, but I never want to go through that again."

Monica Negulesco

"Agreed," I told her and gave her one final squeeze of a one armed hug. I walked away and paused as I realized where I was. Ashley's station. I crawled through the wreckage to touch my hand to her work bench. My friend. Our ranks had never mattered except when they mattered. But, in the end, I'd chosen the mission over her. That bomb had to go off and with an ancient machine with unknown capabilities heading straight for Ground Zero, it also meant I saved the man I loved, too.

Carlton Tucks

I still owed her parents, no, her mother and sisters, a visit. Maybe if I made it through the Omega 4 Relay. If I didn't, it wouldn't matter. Maybe I'd hang with her in Heaven again. I tried not to think about the absolute oblivion that had engulfed me when I'd died. Matriarch Benezia had, with her dying breath, complained about no white light. I knew what she meant now. But further existential crises would have to wait. I didn't have time to examine my faith, or lack thereof, right now. I didn't have the luxury to worry any more about the seduction of the oblivion I remembered. I wondered what Ashley would have said about my resurrection and what I didn't remember.

_Oh, god, Ashley, forgive me. _

_Virmire had been the worst test of my command abilities. I'd had to make a choice between finishing the mission and defending my ship; between saving the salarians and slaughtering krogan; between a non-commissioned soldier and a biotic officer; between my friend and my would-be lover. Before the shit hit the fan on Virmire, Ashley and I stood on the beach, laughing at some ridiculous joke she'd related from one of her sisters. I'd given up on trying to keep my hair in its bun and let the wind have its way with it, but Ashley's wouldn't dare disobey her. She gave me a cheeky grin and slapped Vakarian and Alenko on the shoulders and said, "Keep the Commander out of trouble, boys," she'd said in the time-honored tradition of senior NCO's everywhere who felt it was their duty to see that the officers made it home in one piece, "You know damned well she'll do something crazy."_

_Kaidan grinned, "You just watch your six, Chief."_

_Garrus' mandibles flared in the equivalent turian expression, "Don't let them outshoot you, Chief. Can't let a salarian beat our headcount."_

_Williams laughed, "You bet." She turned to me and smiled, "For yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I fear no Evil…"_

"_For you are the baddest mother fucker in the valley, Williams. Give 'em Hell, Chief," I told her._

"_Consider Hell given, Commander. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition," She responded._

"_Amen, Chief," I told her and I sent her off with Captain Kirrahe and his salarian team. I'm sure Alenko had heard our particular catechism before she and I had turned it into our own personal pre-battle prayer, but Garrus and the other aliens had just looked confused each time we'd said it within their hearing. I'd never bothered to explain it, if they wanted to know, they could ask. _

_When we'd set the nuke and the choice was in front of me of Alenko or Williams, I'd frozen in indecision for far longer than I should have. Garrus told me later I hadn't been immobile more than a few seconds, but it had seemed like an eternity. Time had slowed down and I felt tied in one spot, unable to move. My fingers in their armored gloves flexed uselessly as I hesitated, grasping at the air, grasping at my choices. In the end, I chose the mission, the senior officer and biotic, and the man I was falling in love with over my best friend. _

_Over a private channel, I'd said good bye to her, Garrus and Wrex my only witnesses. She told me, "Tell my sisters and my mother I love them, Commander."_

_I nodded, forgetting she couldn't see me, but unable to voice my reply. Instead I said, "For yea though I walk through the Valley of The Shadow of Death, I fear no Evil . . ."_

"_For you are the baddest mother fucker in the Valley, Shepard. Give 'em Hell," her voice broke._

"_Consider Hell given, Chief. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition." Tears fell down my cheeks and my voice was hoarse._

"_Amen, Commander. It's been an honor to serve with you, ma'am, Meghan. Squeeze that ass for me," she responded. It had been one of our jokes about Kaidan. That if he hadn't already been "sweet on me," as she called it, she'd have had a chance._

_I choked on a panicked laugh, "Consider it squeezed, Chief. The honor's been mine, Chief . . . Ashley. Shepard out," I dried my tears and ran like hell to save Kaidan._

Saren had cost me Ashley. Cerberus cost me Kaidan.

I hadn't saved him because of my feelings for him. I saved him because we needed that nuke to go off. And then, when I saved him again, his voice, twisted with anger, hatred on Horizon, "I loved you." I needed to forgive him and move on. Alenko did what he needed to do and I had no choice to but to accept it. I had a dangerous mission to prepare for; I couldn't afford to let myself get buried in a broken heart. My crew didn't deserve that. I never before blamed him for Ashley's death on Virmire and I wasn't about to start now. That was Saren's fault for forcing our hands and it was the Collectors' fault for killing me.

Helen M. Lowe

I walked away from Ashley's station and wandered over to the ramp that had once led to the galaxy map. I rounded a corner of the debris and found a datapad peeking out from under the wreckage. Astonished that it was whole, I picked it up. It wasn't until I'd read a few lines of the log that I had to sit down, my head swimming. "Pressley, you old fool," I muttered to myself. I could feel tears leaking down my cheeks. I wasn't the only one to go down with my ship. She'd only outlived her XO by minutes. I hadn't liked the old stick-in-the-mud too much when I'd gotten on board, his attitude about aliens only made our relationship more strained, especially when we needed those aliens. Until we'd stolen the Normandy and he'd learned to rely on those I'd recruited. Wrex and Garrus, goodwill ambassadors for their species. Who would have thought?

Alexei Dubyanski

Aimlessly, I walked around the grave of my ship, staring at the warped girders and melted steel and shattered conduits futilely straining for one last trip through atmo to the void of space. Space, once my refuge, my goal, now terrified me beyond all thought. But as always, I swallowed that fear until it woke me screaming at night, that is.

I found Tali riffling through some debris. She must've heard me coming and straightened up, hunching her shoulders in guilt. "Shepard! I was just…" she hung her head slightly.

"I know," I said, walking over to her. "Keep looking for things we can use. The first Normandy took care of us. I'm sure she wouldn't mind her daughter using what she could to do the same," I hugged the younger woman. "I don't know why you feel bad, Tali. I'm practical, too."

Raymond Tanaka

Tali laughed, "I know, Shepard." She turned to survey the wreckage, "I loved this ship," she said quietly. "This – this would have been your grave, too, wouldn't it?" She must've read something in my posture, "I'm sorry, Shepard. I – none of us took your death well – Kaidan, Liara, Garrus, Joker. It's almost easier to believe you were just in a coma all that time, or undercover."

I looked away, a lump in my throat, "I'm sorry, Tali. I'm trying not to think about that." Good, my voice wasn't hoarse.

She hung her head again, "Keelah Se'lai, Shepard." I left Tali to her salvage. If anyone could find something to help us from this old girl's wreckage, Tali'Zorah vas Neemah could. Not because she was quarian, but because she was the best damned engineer I'd ever seen.

Abishek Patki

It was difficult to look at the wreckage of our home, the steel girders reaching longingly for space. Most of the tags I wrapped around my fist were blackened and twisted from atmospheric entry. I yanked my mind away from the thoughts of the crews' bodies hitting atmo, as I'd been told mine had. I tried not to look at their twisted, frozen remains, what little that was left. It brought up images of what I must have looked like when Cerberus salvaged me. Now, that was a painful thought. Thinking of myself as salvage.

Robert Felawa

My feet had taken me to an outcropping of rock. A section of the middeck was impaled upon the frozen spire. My desk leaned drunkenly against the rockface. I stared at it, trembling. I wrenched my mind back to the present. Remembering Ilos here, remembering Kaidan here, wouldn't help. My crew needed my full attention. Standing for my dead was a perk of command.

Orden LaFlamme

I tore myself away from the wreckage of my cabin and headed off to find Garrus. He was probably standing near the Mako. I was right. The big turian had his arms crossed, his visor un-opaqued staring at the vehicle he'd patched up after every mission. "Prefer calibrating the guns, Garrus?" I asked, coming to a stop next to him.

He looked down at me, his expression unreadable through the visor, but he let out a short laugh. "I'm just remembering the few times I let you drive. She looks like she's in better shape now than when you'd bring her home. I don't know who was tougher on her, you or Wrex."

Caroline Grenado

I laughed, to my ears it sounded brittle, but I don't think he could read me that well, "Us Vanguards are adrenaline junkies, Garrus, you know that."

He snorted, "Is that why you never wore your seat belt? Or did you just like ending up in my lap?" This time, my laugh was more genuine. He seemed to consider what he'd just said, "I uh, oh, hell."

Mandira Rahman

I looked at the Mako again, remembering the jostling and the firefights and the sheer euphoria of exploring a new planet. Some of them had never been set foot on by a human before, ever. Or a turian, for that matter. I also remembered falling into his or Kaidan's lap. I never wanted to be buckled in in the back, I couldn't see anything from back there. I hated being a passenger, but the two men were the technicians. They dealt with the machines. It still amused the hell out of me that I was there as the muscle, considering I was actually smaller than both. Occasionally, I'd fake losing my balance to land in Kaidan's lap, just so I could feel him hold me for a moment. He'd grin slightly, his hands lingering as he'd help right me.

Amina Waaberi

"Where have you thought about putting that monument they want us to erect," he asked, changing the subject.

I crossed my arms, hugging myself, "Ashley's station."

He looked away from me and nodded, "I can see that. I'll let the others know."

"What about you? Where would you put it?"

His eyes seemed to focus on the horizon and he didn't answer right away, "That sounds like a good place. I don't have any better suggestions."

I rolled my eyes, but the effect was lost on him since he wasn't looking at me, "Bullshit. Where would you put it?"

He ignored my question and asked his own, "So I assume you told Joker to stop feeling guilty?" The rumbling voice brought me back to the present.

I nodded, "Yeah, doubt he'll listen, though. He's been blaming himself for two years, Garrus."

The turian looked away, "I know how he feels, Shepard. I blamed myself for not even being on the ship at the time. I regretted going back to C-Sec because I wasn't _there_."

Marcus Greico

I turned to him, my heart pounding in rage, my chest heaving with the need to release my anger, "Don't you fucking start that, Vakarian!" I allowed my anger to fully infuse my voice. "I have had about enough of that from all of you! It was my choice! Mine! I do not leave people behind!" The anger was fading from my voice, my body, sorrow replaced it. "Not after Akuze, and especially not after Virmire!" I finished quietly.

I made sure he was looking at me, "Have any of you fucking noticed I've never called this a suicide mission?" I demanded. And I hadn't, at least not after recruiting him, not after he came out of surgery. He stood there, silent, his arms still crossed, looking at me. I waved my hand at him and stormed off, back to the shuttle. Tonguing the communicator to all bands, I ordered, "Wrap it up, people, let's get the hell off this rock."

Navigator Pressley

They didn't all come right away. I stood waiting for quite some time before the four of them got to the shuttle. The way back up to the _Normandy SR-2_ was silent. Tali carried the three containers of element zero she'd managed to salvage, Chakwas had somehow found one of her old stethoscopes, blackened and twisted, but still recognizable. Joker carried what looked like part of a bent and twisted crutch. I couldn't tell what Garrus had in his hands, it just looked round. I didn't actually care. I leaned my head back, grief sweeping over me. For my crew, for my ship. For myself. For the life I thought I'd have with Kaidan.

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams


	12. Chapter 12

**Captain's Personal Log: Caleston Rift, Balor Cluster, Caleston**

I sat on my couch staring at a bottle of whiskey. It was a game of chicken I played when I felt the urge to drink more than the two glasses I'd normally allow myself. I'd taken a break from what seemed to be a perpetual hunt for minerals across the galaxy. Our supplies for upgrades were thin and we needed to scavenge for them ourselves since Cerberus had apparently blown its wad on my resurrection and rebuilding the _Normandy_.

Someone pinged for admittance and without asking who it was, I shouted, "Go away, off duty!" I wasn't really. I doubted I could actually be off duty, being Commander Fucking Shepard and all that. I heard a series of clicks that told me my door was being hacked. I raked my fingers through my long, tousled blonde hair, stood up and walked around to look at my door, my hands on my hips, holding open my unzipped uniform jacket over the form-fitting black V-neck tank top I wore under it. I glared as the door slid open to reveal Miranda Lawson. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Lawson?"

"You wouldn't answer your comms and EDI wouldn't tell me what you were doing or where you were!" She sounded alarmed. I rolled my eyes, her assertion wasn't true, I'd left clearance for Tali, Garrus, Joker and Chakwas. Just not her.

"It's called a break, Miranda. Haven't you ever taken one?" I stood in the middle of my quarters, my fists still belligerently on my hips.

"I don't take breaks where my crewmembers can't reach me, Commander." She imitated my posture with her own fists.

"Oh, for… Get out."

"Commander, I need to speak with you. About Horizon. The Illusive Man…," she began, but I cut her off with a chopping motion of my hand.

"The Illusive Man can kiss my ass. Get out, Miranda." I crossed to the table and picked up the bottle.

Her blue eyes moved to the bottle in my hand, "Isn't it a little early to be drinking, Commander?"

"Isn't a little early to be a bitch, Miranda? I gave you an order. Get out."

She stood staring at me, challenging me. I advanced on her and I made sure she saw the violent intent in my expression. "I am not discussing Horizon beyond what I already put in my report, Lawson. I will not tell you again. Get out."

She backed up to my doorway, the portal sliding open at the touch of her boots on the pressure plate under the deck. "Commander, I –"

It was childish, I know. But other than shoving her out biotically, it was the only thing I could think of at the time. And it suited that part of me that had never quite left the gangs behind on Earth. I hefted the bottle, gave her a look and threw the cheap thin plastic bottle against the bulkhead next to the door. It shattered in an explosion of faux-glass and booze. She ducked at the impact then straightened up to stare at me. "That was an order, Miranda. If you have an issue with following my orders over The Illusive Man's, I suggest you get the hell off my ship."

She spun on her heel and fled my quarters. I had the childish hope that the whiskey stained her pristine white catsuit. I went to clean up my mess.

I didn't bother putting my hair back up or buttoning my tunic as I walked to my desk to resume my duties. About an hour after I sat back down to work, the speaker from the bug I'd placed in Miranda's cabin suddenly emitted Garrus' voice. I ran my fingers through my hair. I stopped working and looked down at the small microphone and recording device I'd repurposed to spy on my ostensible second-in-command. And given her insubordination, I was glad I'd had that foresight. It was audio only, but I didn't really need full pictures.

"You wanted to see me, Operative Lawson?" The turian's pleasant bass voice rumbled from the device.

"Please Officer Vakarian, have a seat. I'll be right with you," Miranda sounded too polite, what was she up to? Irritated Garrus was far more loyal to me than she expected? Or wanted? I placed a small bet with myself that she was going to try to get him to tell her what I would not.

I heard the door open again, "Miranda, what -?" Jacob's voice and the hatch slid shut behind him. I heard Miranda's chair slide back as she stood up. I could almost imagine her straightening that too-tight tunic of hers. It wasn't that I didn't like the woman. She just rubbed me the wrong way. And had a bad habit of thinking she knew everything and was always right.

"I want to know what happened on Horizon. Shepard's been acting strangely since you three got back. She's even more irritable than usual. She reduced an ensign to tears with a glare yesterday!" She was probably leaning her fists on the table, attempting to intimidate them into confessing. Hmm, I owed myself money.

I closed my eyes, waiting to see who would talk about me, talk about Kaidan Alenko and what he'd said. I wondered if she'd read the email. Nothing in that email took away the sting of "loved," though. I was getting tired of Miranda's insubordination. But a solution hadn't immediately presented itself. I'd kick her off the ship, but I actually did need her skills. And the ensign had deserved the tongue lashing I'd given him, he'd not paid attention to the Levo and Dextro labels on the food as he was putting supplies away from Gardner. He just the misfortune to be caught in his error by the Commander.

"We fought some Collectors, that's what. They took colonists. Shepard doesn't take that kind of thing lying down, Operative Lawson. You should know that, if you studied her file as much as you claimed to have." Garrus, remind me to give you a cookie later. One that won't kill you, of course.

I could hear the hesitation in Jacob's voice, "I really don't think anything else is our business, Miranda."

"It's our business if it affects the mission, Jacob. Now, tell me, what the hell happened on Horizon?" Miranda seemed close to losing her temper. The ice queen getting angry over me? Or over the loyalty I seemed to be earning?

I heard someone stand up. Since Garrus was the next to speak, I assumed it was he. "Nothing else that happened on Horizon is relevant to Shepard's performance as the commanding officer of this mission!"

Miranda's voice grew sly, "I know Commander Alenko was there, Garrus. "

_Just tell her, gentlemen_, I silently willed.

"I really don't think the Commander's personal life is relevant, Miranda. She got the job done and she'll continue to do so," Garrus' voice rumbled in defense of me.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and felt the need for the whiskey I'd just gotten rid of. I heard cloth over battle armor rustle and knew Jacob had crossed his arms, "I'm sure the Commander will tell you when she's ready to, Miranda."

"Well, I've asked the Commander, gentlemen. Her response was to kick me out of her cabin smelling like a distillery," she probably had her hands on her hips.

Garrus barked a short laugh, "That should tell you something, then, Miranda. She probably threw a bottle of booze against the wall. If you're done trying to get me to gossip about our commanding officer, I've got some calibrations to work on." Metal shod feet crossed to the hatch and left. I'd bet Garrus would have preferred to slam it, but doors don't really slam in the 22nd Century.

Jacob was still in there with her, his immediate senior and former commanding officer, "Well?" Miranda purred, "Are you going to tell me what happened?"

I heard Jacob stand up with a little more force than necessary, "If a fucking turian can keep his mouth shut, so can I. This was beneath you, Miranda." Rubber soled boots crossed to the hatch and left. I heard Miranda flop down gracelessly in her seat in defeat as the hatch closed behind Jacob.

I killed the feed and sat with my head in my hands for a little while. It was hard to be angry with her, after all, despite her insubordination. She wasn't hunting for gossip, or simply being nosy. She was being a good XO and trying to verify that I was still fit for command, even if I smelled The Illusive Man's dirty stench all over her actions. However, dragging our subordinates in? I stood up to fasten my tunic, fully intending to go down there and give that interfering harpy a piece of my mind. No matter her motivations, her unprofessional behavior needed to stop.

Before I could move, though, my own door chime sounded. Puzzled, I called, "Come in!" The hatch opened to show Garrus standing there in my doorway looking at me sympathetically, his scars twisting his face plates into a grimace. I resisted the urge to rush over and hug him for defending me. Commanding officers didn't do that.

I motioned for him to come in, putting my finger to my lips to remind him not to talk. He entered and glanced at the wall still stained and scratched by the bottle of whiskey. I heard him huff in a short laugh. I walked over and turned up the music on my bedside table. He stood awkwardly at the foot of the set of steps up into my office with his hands behind his back. "Thank you," I told him.

His mandibles moved in what passed for turian amusement, "Somehow, I'm not surprised to learn you had her office bugged. I figured you had, that's why I'm here, but I'm still not surprised that I was right. I wasn't about to tell her, you know."

I shrugged, "I was only able to repurpose one. And it took everything you ever taught me to do it. There are still dozens in here." I sighed. "I know you wouldn't tell her, Garrus. You don't gossip."

"Are you going to tell her?" he asked, rubbing his jaw.

I began to pace. "Tell her what? The person I love, _loved_, doesn't trust me, trust my judgment? Didn't want to try to hear my side? Didn't want to hear that I'd been dead for two years and somehow that's a personality flaw?" I was proud of the control in my voice, it only waivered a little. I would not cry again. Not in front of Garrus or anyone else. Alenko got the last tears from he would ever get. Anger, anger was a good emotion. It got me out of the slums of Houston; it would get me through this.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him twitch as if he would step forward, toward me. "Yes, I'll tell her. I was actually going to do so when you darkened my door."

"You'd think after hanging out with you humans so much the last few years, risking my life with you, I'd get used to your idiomatic expressions." Amusement colored his voice.

"We do it just to confuse you lesser species, you know," I told him, feigning haughtiness. I stopped pacing and stood grinning up at him, my hands on my hips, again, pushing my tunic back.

He snorted, "Who you calling lesser? We were breaking the atom when you were still drawing on cave walls, you overgrown monkey." Why were his hands still behind his back?

I waived my hand in dismissal, "Cave drawings to breaking the atom in less than fifty thousand years, you belligerent blue-jay. Monkeys do everything better and faster."

His mandibles clicked in amusement, "Not too fast, I hope." He froze and I had to laugh through my astonishment. "That was not – I mean –"

My grin grew. "Flirting? Garrus, you card!" His eyes widened in embarrassment and I had to laugh. "I'm joking, Garrus, really," I rubbed my eyes, careful not to smear the eyeliner. "I'm all right, go back to your calibrations."

He didn't move at first, he just stood looking at me. He seemed to have reached a decision and brought his hands out from behind his back. I looked at what he was holding and stumbled backward to land on the chair behind me. My heart pounded in my ears as he moved to sit on my couch in front of me. He held my old N7 helmet out. "Wha-? How?" I tore my eyes away from the battered red stripe and up to his blue eyes.

"I found it on Alchera." He turned it over and showed me the battered name plate at the base. My hand shook as I brought it to my mouth. Involuntarily my other hand trembled as I reached out to touch the plate and traced the blackened "S" of my last name. I slid off my chair and onto my knees, my eyes locked on it.

"Shepard, what are you doing?"

I felt wetness roll down my cheeks and my vision swam. I lurched to my feet and away from him. I rubbed my eyes, smearing my careful job with my eyeliner and mascara, after all. "Shepard? Are you all right? I thought you'd want it back?" There was a note of panic in his voice.

I couldn't turn around. I was shaking too hard and I probably looked like a red sand addict after a hard night. I hugged my arms around my chest and told him, "Yeah, thanks for finding it. Can you leave it on that table?"

I heard the clink of the metal of the helmet on the safety glass of the table and the creak of overworked armor as he stood up. "Shepard, turn around."

I wiped at my eyes, trying to get control of myself. "No, I don't think so. I can't look at it."

"It's a helmet, Shepard."

I swallowed. "I died in that thing, Vakarian."

"It's still just a helmet."

I spun, and met his eyes, "The fact that it was down on that planet means it wasn't on my body when Cerberus recovered it. It fell off at some point, Garrus." My hands went to my scars on my cheeks and forehead. I ran my fingers back over my scalp across the network of half healed wounds under my hair. "How much of me is me? What did they have to reconstruct, Garrus?"

He pulled my hands from my head and held them in his gloved ones, "Shepard, if it bothers you, I'll take it away."

I took a deep breath and pulled my hands away from him. "No. I have to face it some time." I walked around him to look down at that piece of metal and plastic that had protected me through firefight after firefight. I hoped it had protected me enough that what I thought was me, was, well… me. I thought I'd dealt with my death. Put it behind me. But presented with physical evidence of it made it less of a story that happened to someone vaguely Shepard shaped in the dim past and more as if it had really happened. Like the whiskey, I had to play chicken with it. It was just another demon.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Shepard? Now?"

I choked out a laugh, "Nah, it can wait," I waved my hand flippantly. "Maybe if we ask the Reapers nicely, they'll hold off their plans for galactic genocide and let me have a mental health day."

He put his hand on my arm and I shrugged it off. I picked up the helmet. I ran a finger down the cracked visor and up along the broad red stripe. I walked over to the second desk near my bed and sat the helmet on the corner near the wall. "Thank you, Garrus. For bringing that to me." I turned to look at him, certain I'd gotten my face back under control. "Now, please, you can go back to your calibrations."

He looked at me, his brow ridges drawn down in concern. "If you're sure?"

I looked at the helmet, "Yes, I'm sure. I'll be fine." He turned to leave.

"Wait." I looked down at my folded hands then back up at him where he turned to look at me. "Where did you put the memorial?"

His cheekplates flared in surprise and his eyebrow ridges went up, "Ashley's station. Like you asked."

I let out my breath. "Thank you." He nodded and continued out of my quarters.

I hoped I wasn't lying. I hoped that I hadn't buried it all too far down to deal with. I walked over and sat on my chair, drawing my knees up to my chest and stared at my old helmet. I suddenly had more important things to deal with than Miranda.


	13. Chapter 13

_Bioware's party, I'm just crashing it._

**Captain's Personal Log: Crescent Nebula, Tasale System, Ilium**

**Part I: The Prodigal**

I stood in the forward battery, watching Garrus' fingers flash over the keys as he calibrated the main guns for the hundredth time. I'd chide him for perfectionism, but considering our odds, he was welcome to calibrate till the cows came home. The better the Thanix Cannons worked, the more likely we were all going to come out the other side of the Omega 4 Relay in one piece and take out as many Collectors as possible along the way.

"We'll take care of Miranda's little problem and then you and Tali will come with me to look for information on our next two recruits." I laughed slightly as I remembered something, "Did I tell you? The Illusive Man told me Liara was possibly working for the Shadow Broker. Of course, he also had no idea you were 'Archangel'."

Garrus stopped inputting numbers and turned to face me where I leaned on the railing next to his console. "Liara? Working for the Shadow Broker? I think your Illusive Man has been at the red sand," he scoffed as he leaned back against his work station, arms crossed. "But then, if you'd told me you and I would be working for Cerberus two years ago, I'd have said the same thing. So, Miranda has a sister?"

I nodded, but before I could say anything he continued, "That's . . . surprising."

I snorted a laugh, "That's diplomatic of you."

He shook his head, "She tries to present this perfect façade and I know you don't buy it."

"Of course not. I'm perfect, after all. Perfection doesn't exist in anyone else," I quipped.

He grinned, "Well, not everyone can be as wonderful as you, Shepard. But seriously, she makes it sound like she was grown in a lab." My face must've given something away because his eyes widened, "You're kidding. She was, wasn't she?"

"I'm not saying anything."

He ran his hand over his fringe and glanced at me sidelong, "I won't tell a soul. But really? A lab?"

"Garrus, I mean it. It's confidential."

He held his hands up, palms out in truce. The human gesture looked oddly right on him where it would have looked foreign and fake on another turian. "I promise. Besides, it almost makes her more… human, if that's not too far-fetched."

"I know what you mean, but seriously, don't spread it around. If she wants to tell everyone, she will. She told me in confidence. I can't believe you read me that well. I need to work on my poker face." I rubbed my eyes, careful of the mascara.

"Shepard, you're not making sense again."

"Keeping my face blank. Making sure I'm not doing anything that would give away my thoughts." I rubbed the back of my neck. It was rather embarrassing to be read so well.

"You didn't really do anything. I'm not entirely sure how I knew."

"That makes me feel so much better, Garrus."

He stared at me for a moment, his cheekplates fluttering in a grin, "Besides, if I tell you what you did you'll stop doing it and I won't be able to tell when you're full of it ever again."

I shook my head, "You're way too devious for a vigilante, Garrus."

"You forget about the former cop part, Shepard."

"I try to do that often, you know. Forget you were a cop, I mean. Hell, Vakarian, I've got standards."

His brow ridges went up, "A former criminal has standards? Since when?"

I planted my fists on my hips, grinning up at him, "When I became respectable."

"When did that happen?"

I laughed, "Just be ready to go when Joker lands."

As I walked past him to leave, I brushed my fingers along his shoulder absently. I froze just as the door closed, replaying my last action in my head. Why did I have to touch him suddenly? The last person I'd _had_ to touch was Alenko. I wasn't even over Alenko, and this… this was _Garrus_! I shook my head at myself and left to get suited up and head for the bridge. I'd felt like I was growing closer to the turian, yes. I trusted him more than I trusted anyone else. However, the last person I trusted that much had ripped me apart and stomped on the remains on Horizon for reasons I could barely fathom.

I stood behind Joker, watching him pilot us into dock. As usual, he handled the controls like a maestro before an orchestra. Or a lover with his beloved. Joker's focus was eerie when he was piloting, nothing existed except the _Normandy_. He shouted commands to the flight crew with an authority he never expressed outside the cockpit, his usual humor and sarcasm gone. While he was flying, he was the ship and the ship was God. Even EDI took his commands without complaint. I watched the urbanized planet grow closer at Joker's expert touch on the controls.

On the surface, Illium was beauty incarnate. The graceful spires of the stratospheric skyscrapers covered the planet, rendering it one continuous city, glowing from artificial light. Nothing this beautiful was ever without its dark side, I didn't have to set foot on the planet to know that for a fact; if everything was going to open and aboveboard, the asari wouldn't have colonized this planet out here in the Terminus, outside Council jurisdiction. The darkside would be hidden, the better to trap the unwary. At least on Omega, the hell was out there in the open. It was unavoidable, but at least it wasn't going to sneak up on you.

Nowhere was that more apparent than while Garrus and I were helping Miranda rescue her sister from her reprehensible father. Given that this was an asari planet, it was logical to see the Eclipse sisters with their little blue fingers in every pie. And I was sympathetic to that merc Enyala's desire to try to do something good for a change. But whatever Miranda had done in the past, the girl was blameless and shouldn't be ripped away from the only family she'd ever known. No matter what their all-powerful father wanted.

"Thank you, Shepard, I can't believe Niket sold me out. I didn't even see it coming," the genetically engineered woman told me one last time before she went to spend the day with her sister.

"Even with all your upgrades, you're human just like the rest of us. And I told you, Miranda. You don't have to thank me. You're part of my crew. I make it a habit to be there for any member of it." I tried to make my voice gentle, but I never really succeeded at that. From the look on her face, I failed again. "Look, that came out wrong."

"I see." She shook her head. "Shepard, I'm the one who screwed up. I'm the one who let it get personal." Her lips tightened angrily, "Why didn't you let me kill him? I could have handled that. But watching him get gunned down by that asari bitch…"

"You still cared for him, even if he betrayed you."

"You're right. And my father knew it. He used that against me. It's always been like this. My father gave me everything I ever wanted, but there was always a hook, an angle for his long term plan." I closed my eyes against the wash of memories of my own father. _Rough hands where they shouldn't be, rancid breath, stinking like cheap beer_. Miranda continued, yanking me back to the present before my hand could finish inching toward my pistol, "I threw away everything he ever gave me when I ran. Except Niket. Weakness on my part." She shrugged hopelessly.

"You still have Oriana," I pointed out. I was momentarily glad I'd never had a sister to suffer as I did. _Hair yanked tight, __pulling my head back using my hair__, "Earn your keep, you miserable rat!" _"Look, I just meant, I respect you a great deal. And if helping you gives you peace of mind, then so be it. I can't have a member of my crew, a friend, worrying herself sick over something that can be fixed."

"My father didn't give her to me, I rescued her." She pointed out, running right past my peace offer of friendship.

"I know we rarely get along, Miranda. I'm envious of your shoe collection and your gorgeous hair." She choked out a laugh. "You resent me being your superior officer."

"I don't know if I'd say that, Shepard." She slanted her eyes to the side, looking down. "At least, not any more. But .. you're right. I still have something. Thank you. But… "

"All right, fine, you used to resent me being in charge, right?" Garrus wandered away in a rare display of tact. I'd have to thank him later. The woman was prickly enough, hell I was prickly enough, without being overheard.

"I'll admit that," she finally met my eyes again.

"That doesn't change that you would prefer to still be in charge even now." I glared at her, daring her to contradict me.

"I – yes," she said, reluctantly, "I'll admit to that."

I glanced around and realized we were slightly blocking traffic on the trading floor. I motioned for her to follow me over to the rail that gave a panoramic view of Nos Astra. I leaned on my forearms as she came to stand next to me, stiff and unyielding. "Look, despite your blind spot for Cerberus, I don't hate you. And believe me, I tried like hell."

I turned my head in time to see her stare at me in astonishment. "I tried to really dislike you, too, Shepard."

I shrugged and went for humor, "We're two hot chicks in positions of power, Miranda. We can be only two things: enemies, or friends. There's no middle ground for us."

She laughed and her hand crept up to wipe under her eyelid, careful to not smear her eye makeup. "So which are we?"

I looked down at my hands, "I don't know yet. I'd prefer friends."

"I would, too."

I looked over at her, her ramrod straight posture, her hands folded primly on the railing, the soft breeze playing with her over-conditioned jet hair, "I would be honored to call you my friend, Miranda Lawson."

She smiled softly and looked at me, "Thank you. I'd be honored to call you my friend, too, Meghan Shepard."

"Good. We don't have to kill each other now." We both grinned.

She turned to look at the younger version of her, her smile fading, "We got away with no sign of Eclipse. It looks like we're clear." She cleared her throat, "There she is. She's safe, with her family." I wasn't imagining the longing in Miranda's voice, was I? "No, come on, we should go." She shook her head and turned to leave.

I blinked at her, "Don't you even want to say hello?" I'm not sure what I would do if I were presented with long-lost family, but I was certain I wouldn't ignore them.

She turned back to look at me, "It's not about what I want. It's about what's right for her. The less she knows about me the better." Miranda's eyes, almost of their own volition, went to her sister, again. "She's got a family. A life. I'd just complicate that for her."

I shook my head, "She doesn't need any details, but would it really be so bad for her to know she has a sister who loves her?" My mind wandered to the idea of a sister, and the memory of my father murdered it in vitro. Miranda needed to stay and talk to her sister. We weren't going anywhere for a while, and I didn't need the Cerberus Operative to hold my hand while I gathered information. I had Garrus for that. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Miranda finally smiled, "I guess not."

"Go on, spend the day with your sister," I repeated. "We can get Krios without you," I paused, making sure she looked over at me. "My friend." She nodded her head and walked over to her twin.

I heard Garrus' voice before he joined me to lean on the rail, "I heard the last part of that. Friends, huhn?"

"I'm not sure how sincere either of us really was, Garrus. It was more of a declaration of truce than an actual bonding moment, I think. And now, she has a family." I felt the lump in my throat threatening to weaken me into a puddle of tears. I didn't turn to look at him. I didn't have to. I knew he'd be looking down at me with that mixture of amusement and confusion he always seemed to have around me, or worse, sympathy. He was also standing very close, our armored bodies nearly touching. I swallowed the lump, "C'mon, let's go get Tali. It's time to go see Liara."


	14. Chapter 14

**Captain's Personal Log: Crescent Nebula, Tasale System, Ilium**

**Part II: Nothing's Ever Fixed  
**

When we originally arrived, my eyebrows tried to climb into my hairline as the concierge told me Liara T'Soni had paid our docking fees. I was surprised to hear she was on this planet at all. Why wasn't she on some dusty world somewhere digging through Prothean pot shards or something? Maybe the Illusive Man was actually correct. Apparently working for the Shadow Broker, if in fact she was, was very lucrative. While Miranda visited her sister, Tali and Garrus came with me. I hoped it would be like old home week, but I wanted my oldest friends nearby in case more dirty laundry got aired. I really hadn't wanted Jacob around when Kaidan did what he did. Given what I remembered about Liara's feelings for me, I was definitely bracing myself for a repeat of Horizon.

I asked around and we finally located Liara. The three of us entered the office and found the young asari speaking to a hologram of a rather pale-faced human who stood twisting his hands nervously in front of him. Her voice echoed in my memory and bounced around in my mind, the visions of the Cipher flashing through and overwhelming me. Memories that weren't mine crowded my consciousness and filled me with the touch, sight, scents and sound of the death of an entire species. _No! I was alive! I was here! _I closed my eyes, reigning in my sudden fear, as she said, "Have you ever faced an asari commando unit before? Few humans have," her voice was cold and she paused to tap something into a datapad. "I'll make it simple, either you pay me, or I flay you alive. _With my mind._" The connection winked out with a fuzz of static. Liara turned around and my eyes flew open at the sound of her excited voice, "Shepard! Nyxeris, hold my calls!" I found myself being hugged tightly; if it weren't for my armor, she might have cracked a rib. She glanced over at Garrus and Tali, smiled softly and shook her head enigmatically. The engineer and the infiltrator glanced at each other and Garrus shrugged.

Puzzled, I watched her walk to her desk. Liara, little Liara was scaring people. Hell, she was scaring me. She turned and said, "My sources said you were alive, but I never believed . . . it's very good to see you."

I crossed my arms and frowned at her, "You're threatening to flay people alive now?" _Flaying, destruction… explosions, death_. I blinked, startled at the Prothean flashback, they weren't usually this vivid unless I was asleep.

She gave me that soft smile, again, "Oh, that? That was just a customer unhappy with the information he received. He'll pay, they always do." Her voice was still so soft and mild; it was eerie considering she'd just threatened someone with flaying, someone who apparently believed her threats. She turned to look out over the city, "Ever since I helped you stop Saren, people have wanted to be my friend . . . or not be my enemy. I've set up a respectable business as an information broker. It's paid the bills since you . . . well for the past two years. And now you're back, gunning for the Collectors with Cerberus."

I sat down when she did, Garrus still standing behind me. I could feel the disapproval radiating from him in waves, the crossed arms and his weight shifted backward to one leg helped with that particular assessment. "That's not exactly public knowledge," I told her.

"Neither is you being alive, Shepard. Information is my business, now," she smiled. I think she was trying to reassure me. I wasn't. "And if you need information on finding people, I'm happy to help." Disturbed by her business-like attitude and distant pleasantness, I asked about the two people I was there to recruit, Thane Krios and an asari named Samara. Then, oddly, she asked for my help in hacking. I resisted the urge to look over my shoulder at the two people, who, before my resurrection, would have been the ones able to help her. Before my resurrection, I couldn't hack a locker combination programmed with my own birth date. Suddenly, I woke up and nothing electronic was safe from me. I guess her information on my medical situation also included my upgrades. I wondered if she knew what else they'd done to me, but I was afraid to ask. My own strength increase, biotic and physical, was frightening enough.

Liara's hacking was a simple errand and it gave me a tour of the area of Nos Astra around her office. It also showed me a slice of asari life a human rarely gets to see. Two of them stood arguing about some sort of contract. I listened in a little, past the name calling (apparently, one was a "pureblood," the other's father was a batarian), and decided neither was going to kill the other, or bust out the biotics in a public place.

It only took a few minutes to deal with Liara's request and suddenly a familiar-looking green asari stood in front of me. I stopped so quickly, Garrus ran into me. He had to put his hands on my shoulders to steady himself but dropped them to his sides very quickly. Tali came up to stand next to me, but Garrus stayed at my back. I wondered why he'd been following so closely and what had had him so distracted he didn't see me stop.

"Shepard! I – I don't suppose you'd remember me. I'm Shiala. We met on Feros during the geth attack. Saren had given me to the Thorian creature as a slave, and you killed it. . . and saved me. I promised to help Zhu's Hope. I'm actually here on Illium for just that purpose." The colony had begun rebuilding itself, but the colonists were ill from the effects of the Thorian. She filled me in on the crummy contract the colonials had been forced to sign out of desperation. My heart broke for them. They just couldn't seem to catch a break. They'd asked for treatment, but ended up forced into being guinea pigs. Again. The green asari explained that it was an asari firm that was screwing over the colonists. Tali snorted in disgust and Garrus clicked his cheekplates against his mouth in irritation. I crossed my arms and felt my blood pressure rise in the colonists' defense. When Shiala explained the reason she was green, I wanted to dig Saren up and shoot him in the head again, even if Garrus had done it the first time. She asked me to talk to the rep, Erinya.

Erinya was a real piece of work. I'd never met an asari supremacist, but I suppose humans didn't have the market cornered on being assholes. She blamed her partner's and her daughters' deaths on alien interference. The partner died in the geth uprising and her daughters died in Saren's attack on the citadel (which was apparently Garrus' or all turians' fault, given the glare she shot at him). She prated on about asari superiority. She was in pain and taking it out on Shiala and Zhu's Hope. I was somewhat sympathetic. I'd hardly been rational after Akuze, but I never avenged myself on innocents. I caught Tali shaking her head in exasperation at the asari. Garrus was just glaring at the woman with his arms crossed. So, I pulled out a guilt trip. I felt like a heel when the asari stumbled backward, crying, to crouch against the low wall. Erinya relented and revised the contracts.

I returned to Shiala to report that she could take good news back to Feros. "Thank you, Shepard. You've saved Zhu's Hope again. I don't think I could've. . . is it always like this? Yesterday's problems lingering in some new form? Isn't anything ever just fixed?"

I shrugged, "You've got the power to make a difference, Shiala. Not everyone does."

The green asari set her jaw, "You gave us a chance by saving the colony. I can't let them down. I won't. Thank you for what you've done here, Shepard. I'll keep doing what I can." Her voice got a little wistful and her hand rose to almost touch my cheek, "Maybe sometime, when I'm not organizing the colony and you're not . . . doing whatever you do. . ." Astonished I just stared after her.

At least Garrus waited till she was gone before laughing, "First the Consort, then Liara, now her? Shepard! Do you bathe in asari pheromones every morning or something? I don't think I've seen one person ever hit on by so many of them in my life."

I glared at him, "Laugh it up, Garrus."

Tali looked from one to the other of us, "The Consort hit on Shepard?"

Garrus laughed harder, "She gave Shepard a freebie!"

I could feel my face turning as read as the pattern on my armor. Tali turned to stare at me incredulously. "She gave you a freebie?"

I rubbed the back of my neck, "I wanted more money. We were broke and you both needed new armor… instead the cheapskate took me to bed. I was too astonished to say anything."

Tali cocked her head at me, "How was it?"

I shuddered, "Disturbing." And it had been. I wasn't attracted to women, at all. And I knew asari, thought technically weren't women, they still hit my radar as female. Sha'ira had been all over me the minute I walked into her chambers. She'd even made Alenko uncomfortable, and he admittedly thought asari were hot in general. She'd chased Garrus and him out of the room before giving me my "payment."

Tali made a doubtful snort, "That's not usually what people say about the Consort, Shepard."

I laughed, "The whole thing was odd, Tali." I glanced at Garrus, "Besides, I'm not the only one who has to beat off other species with a stick."

His grin faded, "What are you talking about?"

"Remember Doctor Michel? She wrote me asking about you. Called you a hero. Asked if I could bring you by and she'd buy us, meaning you, drinks or something."

"I, uh…"

I smiled widely at Tali, "It's true! It sounded like wouldn't object to him putting his boots under her bed!"

Tali laughed, "I'm not sure what that means, Shepard, but I get the idea."

Garrus' neck was dark blue in embarrassment. His blushing made it that much funnier. "Garrus and Chloe, sitting in a tree… K-I-S-S-I-N-G…." I trailed off at his horrified expression.

"Why would we sit in a tree, kissing?" his voice cracked.

"It's just a children's rhyme, Garrus. Usually when human children practice kissing, they hid somewhere. Sometimes they climbed a tree."

He blinked at me, puzzled and distracted from his discomfort for a moment, "You have to practice? It's not instinct?"

I shrugged, "Some of it is… but to be truly good at, well… practice makes perfect."

He cocked his head at me, "Have you? Practiced?"

I snorted, "More than I care to admit." My traitorous memory very helpfully supplied me with the feel of Kaidan's lips against mine and followed it with the dimmer memory of my dead fiancé's.

"So, are you good at it?"

"Kee'lah! Garrus! You can't just go around asking things like that!"

I laughed, "I've had no complaints." I raised an eyebrow, "Why? You want lessons before your date with Doctor Michel?"

He cleared his throat and looked away with a nervous chuckle, "Uh, no. I don't think I'll be taking the doctor up on her offer anyway."

I shook my head, "Don't discount humans so soon, Garrus. Millions of asari can't be entirely wrong." He and Tali both laughed. We crossed the market to look through the weapons merchants' stalls.

Next to the merchants, the krogan spouting poetry to his asari lady love was too adorable for words. Garrus had to laugh at me for making her give him a break. "Never pegged you for the hopeless romantic type, Shepard."

"We all have our weaknesses, Garrus."


	15. Chapter 15

_Bioware's party, I'm just crashing it._

**Captain's Personal Log: Crescent Nebula, Tasale System, Ilium  
Part III: The Assassin**

I stood outside Liara's office and I pinched the bridge of my nose. I had wanted to yell at her. She'd played God with my life. She'd given me to my enemies to keep me from my worst enemies. But she wasn't the one who'd killed me; she wasn't the one who considered me an investment. She'd been backed into a corner and did what she thought was right. Something I could definitely empathize with. I'd looked at her and forgiven her. No matter what Cerberus has done to my body. No matter what they've cost me. Anderson. The Alliance. Akuze. Kaidan.

She'd informed me of her need for vengeance against the Shadow Broker and I walked out, stunned and barely registering that only Tali left with me. When I realized it, we paused outside Liara's office, standing in front of her late assistant's desk, the assistant who'd thought to spy on her for the Shadow Broker. I turned and saw Garrus leaning over Liara, the asari's face a paler shade of blue and Garrus looking murderously angry. Before I could interrupt them to break up whatever he was confronting her about, he stormed out of her office, and past us, his hands clenching and unclenching in anger. He didn't stop or even look at me but continued until he was out of our sight. I glanced at Tali and she shrugged. I sighed, "Go back to the ship, Tali. Or better yet, here," I flared open my Omni-Tool and typed in a few commands. "Go shopping. We need gear and I trust your judgment."

She nodded, her face mask glinting in the setting sunlight of Illium's star. "I'll meet you back on the ship. Should I tell Jacob to give everyone leave?" My blood ran cold at the thought of Jack and Grunt on leave in Nos Astra. Apparently, it must have shown on my face, since Tali laughed, "All right, I take the hint. No leave, business as usual."

I laughed, despite my concern for Garrus, "Can you imagine Jack and Grunt running around all of this?" I waved my arm at the pristine orderliness of the city skyline.

Tali regarded the same view, her hands on her hips, "It wouldn't still be standing come morning."

"You're right. See you back on the Normandy. I'll probably take Miranda after I find Garrus and go get Krios." Tali nodded and waved at me as she walked toward a kiosk to buy supplies.

I finally caught up with my gunnery officer at Eternity, a classy bar at the top of the building Liara's office was in. It hadn't taken me long to find him, large angry turians in full body armor stood out like a sore thumb on an asari dominated planet. He was hunched over a drink in the back corner of a small room. He'd already downed one. A tall empty glass sat in front of him, a thin blue liquid coating the bottom of the tumbler. Garrus tossed the second drink back while I watched him. I leaned against the wall, crossing my arms over my chest, "You gonna share?"

He choked back a harsh laugh, setting the glass down and looking at his hands as he folded his fingers together, "I don't know, Shepard, I'm two up on you already." He pushed the glasses away and stood up, rocking the small table, "She's the reason Cerberus, Cerberus," he hit the poor table with his fist, "is the last best hope for the galaxy. Because she gave them you." He looked up at me. "She saved you, and I don't know whether to be grateful to her or hate her."

I shrugged, "Would you rather I stayed dead?" I was reminded how fast he could move when he crossed the distance between us in only a few steps to loom over me. His eyes searched my face and his shoulders were so tense I could see it through his armor.

He sighed out a breath that smelled like a distillery. He may have been drinking dextro liquor, but the stench of alcohol was apparently still the same. "Spirits! Why the hell would I want that?" He stepped back and started pacing.

I waved my hand, "So, then what the fuck is this all about? Why are you drinking when we have a mission to accomplish?"

He stopped in front of me, his chest heaving. He took a step and was looming over me again, "She saved you and I didn't. She saved you, and I couldn't."

I yanked my glove off and pressed my hand to the unscarred side of his face, my thumb rubbing along his mandible, "I don't know how she found my body, Garrus. But Cerberus or not, I'm kind of glad to be back."

He leaned into my touch, briefly closing his eyes before spinning on his heel to resume pacing. "Alenko knew you were alive. He had 'reports,'" he air quoted the word. I almost laughed, he'd seen the turian councilor do that, too, but he was too angry to have appreciated the irony. He paced like a tiger in a cage. "Liara found you and gave you to Miranda to revive you," he stopped and stood still, his fingers clenching and unclenching. "And neither of them told me," he snarled. "I can forgive Tali not contacting me after she ran into you on Freedom's Progress, I'd already gone undercover at that point and was in the middle of being betrayed. She couldn't have reached me, even if she tried." We both knew she hadn't, apparently my death had separated my old squad faster than a hot knife through butter. "Liara I can almost forgive, she wasn't sure it would work at the time. Who would have thought Cerberus could conquer death? But she and Alenko both could have known where I was, what I was doing. Alenko kept that information from me. I was his friend, too. He kept me in the dark."

I wanted to defend both of them, but seeing the pain he was in, I could see that their actions where he was concerned were unconscionable. I'd been his mentor, his friend. He'd taken my death and ran to Omega to kill outlaws in my memory. I stepped closer to him, grabbing his arm to stop his pacing, "What would you have done, if you'd known?"

His silver-blue eyes met mine, steady, unwavering. "I'd have found you. You sure as hell wouldn't have woken up alone."

"Garrus, stop."

He froze, still staring at me, "What?"

"Was there ever any doubts in your mind I was who I said I was?"

He blinked, his cheekplates pulled tightly in against his face in confusion. "What are you talking about?" It took him a moment to answer. He sat down in the booth, still looking up at me, "I saw you, crossing that bridge. I thought I was hallucinating. Or already dead."

I smirked, "So that's why you shot me."

He nodded, "You reacted, so you weren't a vision and I wasn't dead."

"Then what?" I crossed my arms over my armored chest, still leaning against the wall, though I'd turned to face him.

He shrugged, "You saved my ass and I took a rocket to the face." His fingers went to his bandages. "I decided to reserve judgment. You seemed to be you. You acted the same way. You didn't treat me the same, though, which took some getting used to." His cheekplates flared in a grin. "You've yet to get truly annoyed with me. Which has been odd, come to think of it. You are sure you're you, right?"

I shook my head at him, laughing, "That's all it took to convince you I was myself? Save your life?"

He stood up and stepped closer to me, so that I had to crane my neck to look up at him. "Well, the biggest thing that convinced me was that you smell the same."

It was my turn to be confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Clones are illegal, I know – not that that would stop Cerberus, but I've read they smell off from their originals. And brainwashing would change your personality to the point where you would definitely smell different."

What the hell did I smell like to him? I didn't think the turians' tiny noses were any better at smelling than a human's, but I guess all he really needed to do was pass air over the right sensory organ and he could do that just fine. "You're dying to know what you smell like to me, aren't you."

I shrugged. He really knew me too well. "All right, then, tell me." If his nose was that sensitive, he knew I wore a musky perfume and apple-scented hair products.

His voice dropped into that teasing lower register of his that made things low in my body tighten, "There's a yellow flower on Palaven. Grows into a giant plant that tangles around everything in its path. If you don't keep it trimmed, it'll get out of control within a couple of seasons. But if you trim it too much, it'll never flower. It only flowers for one month before the plant is just a mass of green vines. But in that one month, it's all you can smell in my home district. It invades everything. It's a difficult plant to grow, too. But once it gets established, you can't get rid of it. "

I stared up at him, startled. The thing sounded like a weed. Smelly, flowering kudzu. "I hope it at least smells good."

"Of course it does. Women from other districts pay a small fortune to smell like that flower year-round. I'm not saying everything you wear smells like that, it's just . . ." he sniffed the air around my head, "it all combines to smell that way."

I thought of all the times we'd huddled behind cover together, or that one of us held the other down to keep the other of us from doing something stupid. All the times we'd been physically very close to each other. It could be worse, he could have said I smelled like Therum with its sulfur vents. But to be told I smelled like a rare flowering vine by my best friend, was an odd compliment. "I'm glad you like it?"

He grinned down at me. "I'm glad, too. It beats smelling like Therum, at least."

I shook my head at him. "Are you all right to fight? We have a drell to recruit."

He snorted, "An assassin, no less. You find the most interesting people, Shepard. Yes, I'm all right to fight. Takes more than two drinks to get to me."

"Yeah, two years ago, I'd have been finding him to kill him. Now I need him on our side." I looked him over, "Good to know you're not a lightweight."

He checked his sniper rifle, "I'll drink you under the table any time, Shepard."

I chuckled, "You wish, Vakarian. I'm a biotic, remember?"

He followed me out of the small room, "And?"

"I metabolize everything faster." I ran smack into a tall, blonde, slightly homely human male who looked disturbingly familiar. Conrad Verner! Before I could excuse myself and duck out of sight, he shouted my name. Shit.

It took us forever to extricate ourselves from Verner. Though I indulged myself in a conversation with the asari matriarch bartender, and bought a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy to be sent to the ship for Doctor Chakwas before I went to deal with his "undercover cop."

After we explained to Conrad what had actually gone on (ok, ok, so I lied to the idiot), Garrus asked me as we walked away, "Do you get a lot of jackasses like that following you around?"

I shook my head. "No, it seems to be limited to him and to asari. Unless you're counting yourself?" I raised an eyebrow at him and he laughed.

"I'm far too stylish for that."

We picked up Miranda from her visit with her sister. Night had finally fallen, but as usual in such a huge city as Nos Astra, the ambient light was still bright. Our contact took us to Dantius Towers around sunset. This was one assassination I had no desire to stop.

Nassana Dantius was a real piece of work. She'd manipulated me into killing her sister (not that I wouldn't have done it anyway - slavers had only one destiny if I had any say in the matter and it was usually dead with a bullet between their eyes) and now she was slaughtering innocent workers who had the misfortune to have the night shift in constructing her building. By the time we reached a lone merc standing near a plate glass window arguing over his comm., I'd had enough. I spun and kicked the bastard through the window. He didn't have to kill the salarian workers, whatever his orders had been. That kind of brutality deserved its own in return, sevenfold. When I turned back, I glared at Miranda and Garrus, daring them to comment. Miranda just shrugged and took point. Garrus walked to the edge and stared down. He turned back to me and shrugged, "Harsh, but I guess he had it coming."

I snorted and rolled my eyes at him. "C'mon." We fought our way as far as the bridge between the buildings. We'd gotten most of the way across before we were pinned down by rockets. Miranda jumped up on top of some crates to duck down for cover so she could hit the drones with an Overload and as I was about to join her, a rocket hit her square in the chest, knocking her out. Garrus reached up and yanked me off the platform and onto the ground, half on him, half on the concrete. "Miranda!" I shouted over the wind.

"I know! You almost joined her!" he shouted back.

Another explosion deafened me. "Son of a-! You close enough to Overload those fucking things?"

"Yeah, you going to keep your head down while I do it?"

"If you do it fast enough!"

"Spirits, Shepard, who'd have guessed you'd be this impatient?" A small explosion detonated a short distance away and Garrus dropped back down beside me. He glanced at me as he readied his 'tool again. "Need to do it again, damned shields are tougher than they look."

I looked around the corner of the platform and quickly shot a commando who thought she could sneak up on us under cover of the rocket fire. I summoned a Shockwave and threw her off the platform as soon as her shields dropped. It wasn't a pleasant way to go, but I wasn't in the business of being nice. That assassin had better be alive when we found him, or I'd take it out of Dantius' blue hide in thin strips myself.

When the rocket drones finally exploded, I woke Miranda up. She shook her head sheepishly at me, "Sorry, Shepard, didn't see that one coming."

I shrugged, "If you did, you'd have to be an idiot and you're not. It happens, Lawson. Let's move out."

Again, Garrus tried to take point till I pulled on his shoulder and shook my head at him. he grinned, his cheekplates flaring at me, slightly. "Don't be so slow, then."

I smiled back, "Hey, slow's good. Sometimes." He just shook his head at me.

We took care of the last remaining guard and walked in on Dantius with a handful of tense-looking Eclipse surrounding her. Of course, she tried to beg for her life, even bribing me. I strung her along, trying to keep my amusement out of my voice, but really? She was that much of a coward, she'd try to bargain with me instead of fight it out? But then, she did manipulate a Spectre into taking out one of her sisters.

And then, he dropped out of the ceiling. The rising sun behind him turned him into a dark silhouette and I watched, wide-eyed, as the silhouette became a blur of motion that took out two guards with bare hands, flowing from one opponent to the next as if they were standing frozen and he had all the time in the universe. I caught my breath in my throat as in his finale, he caught Dantius' swing at him and in one smooth movement, drew his pistol, pressed it against her abdomen, aiming upward, and fired. As her heart stuttered from its sudden perforation, Dantius stared up at the drell who gently laid her across a console and almost reverently folded her hands across her stomach. I closed my mouth. He started to pray.

I realized then that both Lawson and Garrus had their weapons out and pointed at the drell. He'd just proven himself exceedingly dangerous, but I doubted we were in any danger or he wouldn't have stopped to pray. I gestured at them to holster their weapons. Miranda obeyed, but Garrus shook his head at me. I glared at him, he glared back at me, one eye somehow still on his target. I glared harder, he scowled and put up his rifle, saying, "Impressive, you certainly know how to make an entrance." I turned my attention back to the assassin.

Who was still praying. I was all for piety; after all, I'd been in a lot of foxholes, but this was excessive. "I was hoping to talk to you," I began.

The smooth-skinned alien blinked his unfathomable eyes and in a voice that made me think very unprofessional thoughts said, "I apologize, but prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken."

Graceful the man might be, but, seriously? For that piece of varren dung? "Do you really think she deserves it?"

He looked up at me, still slightly in shadow from the rising sunlight streaming in through the blinds, "Not for her. For me." He approached from around the console, "The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone. Take you, for instance. All this destruction, all this …. chaos." I scowled at him. I'd been cleaning up his and Dantius' mess. Not fomenting chaos. "I was curious to see how far you'd go to find me." He approached, close enough to grab me had he wanted to. He apparently didn't know me very well. While not as graceful as he was, I was certain I hit harder as long as he didn't get his hands anywhere near my neck. "Well... here I am." As if he were wondering what I'd do with him, now that I had him.

"How did you know I was coming at all?" Cerberus had leaks? It wouldn't surprise me.

"I didn't." He sounded amused. "Not until you marched in the front door and started shooting." He stood in front of Garrus and the two men seemed be taking the measure of each other. Garrus looked like he would go for his gun any second. I recognized his twitching fingers for what they were. Or maybe he'd just punch the drell. "Nassana had become paranoid," Krios continued. "You saw the strength of her guard force. She believed one of her sisters would kill her." He turned slightly to glance at me out of the corner of those obsidian eyes, "You were a valuable distraction."

I clenched my fists, "You used me. So you could kill her!"

In that overly reasonable tone he pointed out, "I needed a diversion, you needed to speak with me." I caught Garrus' eye and shook my head, he glared back at me, but held still and didn't pick a fight with the drell. "You certainly fulfilled your end of the bargain." We had a bargain? "What would you like to discuss?"

Shaking my head, I informed him of our mission and the general assumption of suicidal odds. Which I had every intention of beating. "This was to be my last job," Krios said when I finished. "I'm dying." Hence the not seeming to care about suicidal odds, I see. "Low survival odds don't concern me. The abduction of your colonists does."

I blinked, startled. "I hadn't heard that. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

He looked at me, the obsidian eyes unblinking, "Giving me this opportunity is enough. The universe is a dark place. I'm trying to make it brighter before I die." He paused and stared at the rising sun, "Many innocents died today. I wasn't fast enough and they suffered. I must atone for that." He held out his hand to me. I shook it, a little startled at how warm it was in mine. But it was a brief handshake and I didn't get more of an impression than that. "I will work for you, Shepard. No charge."

My eyebrows went up at that. "Welcome aboard, Mr. Krios."

A membrane nictated across his eyes, "Please, call me Thane."

"All right, Thane. Welcome aboard." I gestured for him to precede me and Garrus fell into step beside him. Within seconds, the two of them were discussing guns. Their sniper rifles to be exact. I rolled my eyes at Miranda and she laughed.

"We are picking up some interesting people, Shepard. You have to admit that." I watched both of the alien men walk in front of us, each with their own grace. Krios moved like a dancer, as if his limbs were made of water. Garrus, on the other hand, had power behind his movements, a predator.

"Very interesting. Let's go see how interesting this Justicar is."


	16. Chapter 16

**Captain's Personal Log: Crescent Nebula, Tasale System, Ilium **

**Part IV: The Justicar**

I approached the long-legged Justicar warily. She was perched serenely on the low wall behind Detective Anaya's desk, glowing blue. "I've got the name of the ship. Your fugitive left here two days ago on the AML Demeter."

The asari opened her eyes. "Shepard. You impress me. You fulfilled your part of the bargain and I will fulfill mine." She unfolded herself and hopped down from the wall. I took a step back, away from her and backed into Thane whose hands went around my waist to keep me from backing up further into him. Was it my imagination or did he keep them there a little too long? It was my imagination. I just met the guy. The asari turned to the detective, "I am ready to leave immediately, if that will satisfy your superiors, Detective." The cop indicated her assent.

After I told Samara to meet us on board the Normandy, she shook her head. "I must be sworn to your service so that I am never forced to choose between your orders and the Code."

I looked at her skeptically. I wasn't completely ignorant when it came to alien cultures, but Justicars were a mystery. I wasn't all that keen on mysteries. Something weird happened to the Justicar's eyes as she looked at me, almost as if they turned inside out. She then knelt with one knee on the floor and bowed her head, her arms held stiffly toward the ground. The officer stood up and I heard the boots of the two men come up beside me to see better. With her face aimed toward the floor, Samara recited, "By the Code, I will serve you, Shepard. Your choices are my choices, your morals are my morals. Your wishes are my code." Her biotics flared so strongly I felt the vibrations in my bones and I stepped back again. Thane shook his head as if to clear it of something. I wasn't sure what had happened, but I had a feeling it was unprecedented.

Samara stood up and the blue glow surrounding her went back to normal Detective Anaya, her voice awed, said, "I never thought I'd see a Justicar swear an oath like that."

It was the Justicar's who held my attention, however. Her chin raised proudly, she looked at me and pronounced, "If you make me do anything extremely dishonorable, I may need to kill you when I am released from my oath."

I blinked. "Whatever helps you sleep at night, sister. I'll see you back on my ship."

I'd had to kill half the Eclipse on Illium to get the Justicar to join us, but since I seemed to be making a hobby out of slaughtering mercs, it wasn't too much trouble. She'd ensconced herself in the Starboard Observation deck, thereby guaranteeing I wouldn't be visiting her too often. Something about that wide open window into the depths of space gave me vertigo and far too many flashbacks of being spaced.

I'd gotten a message that there were two more team members to pick up. Somehow, Cerberus managed to buy the services of the best thief in Citadel space and some old warhorse mercenary out on Omega. I wasn't looking forward to going back there. Neither was Garrus, I'd guess. But Donnally down in engineering needed some discontinued part that could only be found there.

However, I also had a few other urgent errands to run for my current masters. Have I mentioned how much I hated, with a white-hot burning passion, the horned symbol that adorned my ship and my uniform at present? They wanted me to pick up a new hovercraft. Garrus practically salivated at the prospect of a new vehicle to play with and Tali could barely contain her glee at the same. I remembered our former tank now in its final resting place on Alchera. I hoped this thing was more maneuverable.

We finished up on Omega and I kicked Donnelly's ass at Skyllian 5. Mostly because Tali kept hinting what cards he had. She was apparently quite the card counter and she wanted Donnally to lose to me. Later, she told me it was just more fun that way instead of beating him herself. I put the credits aside to buy them something the next time we were at the Citadel. My ill-used conscience was twitching at cheating my crew. Whereas I wouldn't have blinked if I'd cheated Garrus or Tali, Joker or Chakwas. Speaking of... maybe Tali and I could try the same trick on Joker later.

But then, they were my friends. I felt a brief pang of longing for Kaidan which was quickly flattened by anger. There was no time for that. I had to go find a flying tank.

Joker dropped us off, admonishing us to, "Drive safe, Vakarian! Don't let Shepard behind the wheel!" Garrus actually laughed. I hit him with the butt of my assault rifle as I slung it over my shoulder to rest on its magnetic holster on my back. He grinned at me.

The Hammerhead was more cramped than the Mako or even our Kodiak shuttle. There were only three seats in it: the pilot, the copilot and a jump seat set farther back than I'd like. I'd asked Thane to join us, mostly because I didn't trust assassins any more than Jacob did, but not for the same reasons. Disliking him because he was a "precise mercenary," made no sense since, technically, we were all mercenaries at the moment. I distrusted him because he was sneaky in ways I didn't entirely understand.

Garrus glanced at me over his shoulder as he got ready for the drop into atmo. Ever since the first mission in the Mako, he'd driven the landing vehicles. This fancy piece of tin was no different. "Shepard, sit down."

"No. The more eyes on this the better. And there are no windows back here. We're looking for data caches after all." I pointed out, leaning on my elbows braced on the backs of both seats.

Thane glanced back at me then at Garrus, "I am certain we can keep Shepard safe, Officer."

Garrus shrugged, "Her safety isn't what I'm worried about. Try not to make me crash this thing if you land in my lap, Shepard."

I grinned but went back to the seat. "You're such a killjoy, Garrus."

He reached up and flipped switches. "Sit down, Shepard. At least during atmospheric entry."

I'd just finished buckling myself in, crash webbing included, and resisted the urge to tell him, "Come back here and tie me in yourself," just to see if I could get his neck to turn blue in embarrassment. But that would be too much in front of the new team member and it would be unfair of me to poke at him out of my own irritation. Had Tali been here I might have. Instead, I told him, "I'm ready. Wake me when we're down." After all, there was very little for me to do on the drop itself. Krios knew more about being a copilot than I did.

The drop, strangely, was the fastest thing we did in that thing. The rest was tedious as hell. Except for shooting geth. That was always fun. I unbuckled my safety harness and went back to leaning on their seats. Garrus didn't bother to say anything, just glanced at me over his shoulder and went back to dodging energy bolts from the colossus. "Who the hell gave us this thing, Shepard? She's got less shielding than a volus enviro suit!"

"Cerberus." I chuckled with mirth I didn't feel. "Maybe they went broke putting me and the Normandy back together and got it on sale?" I heard Krios laugh softly next to me.

"From an elcor used ship salesman, probably," Garrus drawled.

After the damage alarms began screeching from a glancing blow by a colossus' energy bolt, I had to agree with our joking assessment. This thing was a tin can with the defenses of one. I leaned my head back on my headrest. "I miss the Mako."

"You and me both," the turian replied.

After we finally discovered the fate of the scientists, I stood and stared at that shiny liquid metal globe for which they'd apparently died. "Look familiar?" I demanded.

The sound of the turian and the drell holstering their weapons reached my ears. "Eletania, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. Get ready to catch me if I pass out." I reached out a hand to touch it. Krios' unfamiliar hand closed over mine.

"Are you sure that's wise?"

"Two things, Krios. You don't know me well enough to touch me." I wrenched my wrist out of his hand. "And aside from one other person, I'm the foremost Prothean expert in the damned galaxy."

"I was unaware of that." He put his hands up and stepped back.

"Yeah, it's one of the reasons I'm so indispensable. I feel like a walking encyclopedia." I cracked my knuckles. "Stand back." I glanced at Garrus, "You ready?" At his nod, I reached out to touch the sphere again, bracing myself for another migraine brought on by information overload. I touched the cool surface and it rippled. But instead of filling my head with data and forcing me to my knees, the thing shuddered a few times and began shrinking. "What the fuck?"

"What'd you do, Shepard?" Garrus demanded.

"I didn't do anything, dammit!" I walked closer and stared at what was now a small, liquid metal pulsing sphere. I picked it up in my hands and stared at it.

I felt Garrus get closer. "What's it feel like?"

"Warm. Sort of. Kinda glassy." I took one glove off with my mouth and ran my bare hand over the shiny surface. Nothing happened except that it rippled again.

"Shepard, that can't be a good idea."

"I don't really care, Garrus. Let's go. At least I have something to decorate my cabin with." He snorted.

The annoying information gathering with the Hammerhead was at an end, at least. Now, I just needed to figure out this stupid sphere. This mission had been a giant waste of time and now all I had to show for it was a ball I could display on my coffee table. I bounced the the thing in my hand a few times experimentally. I threw it as hard as I could against the opposite wall. Two male voices shouted, "Shepard!"

The sphere halted its own forward progress and flew back to my hand. I stared at it blankly. "What the hell?" I held it out to Garrus.

He shook his head, "I'm not touching that." I raised an eyebrow at Krios.

"I have no desire to touch it either, Commander."

"Your loss. Let's go home."

Of course, the minute I got back to the Normandy, Kelly Chambers had a few messages for me. Jack had apparently found something. Jacob got a strange email he wanted to talk to me about, and Samara had gotten a lead on her fugitive. I rolled my eyes. Everybody wanted something. The requests hadn't helped my mood one bit. Before I went to talk to my crew, I changed out of my armor and sat the sphere on the table in front of my couch. It pulsed weakly at my release and then sat dormant.

I put my uniform on and sat on my couch, my head in hands. I still wanted to fly apart at the seams. I ran my fingers through the hair I hadn't put up yet. _A blonde curl wrapped around long olive-skinned fingers. _I shuddered. No. I wasn't going to dwell. Dwelling hadn't helped me get over Akuze, it wouldn't help me get over Kaidan._ Musky aftershave and burnt ozone filling my nostrils as I buried my face in the crook of his neck._ I stood up abruptly and walked over to the fishtank. Absolutely not. I spun on my heel and the first thing I saw when I turned was my helmet. The helmet Garrus had retrieved for me. _Crisp, dark curls wrapped around my fingers. _I clenched my fists. _Air. Gasping for air, spinning out of control, away from my ship. I needed air. Why couldn't I breathe?_

I spun and punched my locker, the pain in my fist bringing me back to myself. Memories would get me nowhere. My crew needed me, so I would help them. Maybe I'd help myself in the process. Maybe I'd forget Alchera for awhile.

Jack hadn't gotten any evidence off the OSD yet, but had found where she'd grown up. As she related the tale of her childhood, I felt my blood run cold. There but for the grace of God... Why was Jack reminding me at every turn how much worse my childhood could have been? Why did I still want to punch a wall? I told her we'd go blow up her prison. What the hell, blowing things up was usually fun. I ignored the little logical voice in the back of my head that told me Cerberus had still been Alliance during Jack's formative years.

Jacob had gotten an email from an anonymous source that relayed the distress signal from his father's long disappeared ship. I hoped it wasn't going to be a Flying Dutchman situation. I had no desire to fish frozen crews out of the black.

Samara's request was more straightforward and far more interesting. She'd found her fugitive on Omega. I stood with my back to the viewport and willed myself not to roll my eyes at having to go back to that pisshole. The most interesting part? The fugitive was actually her daughter. And her daughter was a vampiric serial killer.

Because just a plain serial killer would have been dull?

I turned to leave and her calm voice stopped me, "Is there a reason you do not look out of the viewport, Shepard?"

I stared straight ahead, "I can't look out into space, Samara."

"That is an odd condition for someone who lives in a space ship, is it not?"

"Not when you've died out there."


	17. Chapter 17

**Captain's Personal Log: Eagle Nebula, Imir System**  
**Ghost Ship**

I stared up above me at the millions, no, billions of pods hanging from the far off ceiling and down the walls. The lines of pods stretched as far as the eye could see. I glanced at Miranda who was also staring up at them, her blue eyes visibly wide in horror through the faceplate of her shiny black helmet. "They're going to target _Earth_!" My stomach dropped into my boots at hearing her voice confirm what I was truly afraid of. The people I'd grown up with were assholes, but I wouldn't inflict this on them. _Bright sunlight glinting on metal, straining to reach the ground through the mountainous skyscrapers. Look up, view of the blue sky obscured by skybridges so the hard working people of the city don't have to see scum like me. Stench of chemicals and exhaust fill my nostrils, heat of the Texas summer bathing me in sweat as I inhale deeply, sighting down the barrel of my gun into a rival gang member's face. He was gonna do me, so I needed to do him. Law of the street, kill or be killed. Dead green eyes in my face staring into dead brown ones as I hesitate to put the lights out. "What are you doing, kill the son of a bitch already!" Adolescent male voice, cracks on last word. I fire the gun, body jerks, the dead brown eyes closed. A lank and mangy alley cat skitters from behind a pile of trash, skinny body low to the ground, frightened by the sound of the shot no one will ever investigate. But just in case, we take off running. Nearly stumbling over my own feet brought me back to the present.  
_  
Of course, this begs the question, why were they targeting Earth? I couldn't see the reason for turning my entire species into lab rats, which was what the Collectors' Modus Operandi had been up until now. Maybe I was missing something?

I looked over at Garrus to find the inscrutable, opaqued faceplate of his helmet pointed in my direction. He just shook his head. I looked back up at the ocean of pods. Behind my eyes, false memories of the Prothean's home planets scorched into unrecognizablity flashed across my mind, my helpful imagination providing me with images of Earth's skyscrapers shattered and her forests razed, using those memories as a jumping off point. That stupid alley cat that was probably already long dead being torn up by husks. The piles of bodies behind us that I was glad I couldn't smell through my suit and the startling information that the Collectors and the Protheans were one and the same didn't twist my stomach in quite the same way as the possibility of the Reapers harvesting the population of Earth for some nefarious purpose. I remembered the statues on Ilos. They looked nothing like the bugs the Collectors were. But then, only one percent of our DNA separated us from chimpanzees. What would humans look like repurposed like that?

"Move out. We still haven't found anything useful." Not for the last time, I had to wonder what the hell we were doing on this ship. Yes, it was the one that raided Horizon, but it looked like the pods that had once held the colonists were either empty and the bodies piled in corners, or they'd already been delivered to their intended destination. We had so far not seen any signs that the Collectors had even had a pitched battle with a turian ship. And where was the turian patrol that sent the distress beacon? EDI and Joker had found no trace of it.

I froze, however, when Joker and EDI told me that this same ship was the one that shot me out of the sky two years ago. My hand tightened on my gun till my arm trembled and my heart pounded in my ears. Not a coincidence. Not by a long shot. Garrus' hand on mine steadied me for a moment and I took a deep breath, his gesture had been subtle and quick and timed when Miranda was looking away. I was grateful for that.

"I have a bad feeling about this," I said to no one in particular.

"I hate it when you have a bad feeling," he muttered back.

"That just because they're always right."

He looked up at the ceiling, "I wouldn't say, 'always.'" I snorted.

When the Illusive Man showed his true colors, it wasn't a surprise, his method was. It was hamfisted and I'd walked right into it. Miranda, however, didn't seem to share my ability to add two and two. "No! The Illusive Man wouldn't do that! He... he just wouldn't!"

For one brief moment, rage cleared my head and everything suddenly gelled. Between heartbeats, my mind raced. My nerve endings on fire as I remembered the Reapers' wiping out the Protheans as if I had been there, _thumpthump_, my lungs collapsing as I struggled for oxygen in the silence of space, _thumpthump_, waking up on the cold slab of metal in a surgical theater, wearing only a hospital gown and dozens of new scars, _thumpthump,_ an anonymous colonist standing rigid in a stasis field, only his his eyes able to move, only his internal organs still working, _thumpthump_, a child's beloved doll, abandoned on the ground,_ thumpthump_, staring down at my helmet in my hands. _Thumpthump_. "Of course he would. Anything for a tactical advantage," I told her through my clenched teeth. I really wanted to put my fist through something. The bastard had gone too far this time. But if he hadn't, I wouldn't have known their ultimate target. But the Illusive Man had set us up with a fake distress beacon for no real reason I could discern, he had no way of knowing they were targeting Earth. _Buried in the patterns, my ass.  
_  
"And here I thought I'd gotten my share of betrayal and attempted murder for this year," Garrus muttered, his tone wry, breaking into my rage. I forced myself to loosen my grip on my shot gun.

So, the trap being sprung by the Collectors, we had to fight our way out. Of course. Garrus and I, being the adrenaline (or whatever its equivalent in a turian) junkies we were, traded off shooting and beating back the husks that continuously attempted to flank us. Miranda stripped away armor and shields from behind us, her Tempest mowing down anything that approached her.

Harbinger, however, was getting on my nerves. The Reaper's consciousness continuously infested each bug just before it died and we'd have to kill it all over again. And its taunting! Each time that thing disintegrated, it meant we'd at least have a few more minutes with just the peaceful moaning and growling of the husks.

Then, we turned a corner and the blast doors came down and that thing from a nightmare that we'd fought on Horizon levitated straight for us. The data we'd downloaded a little while ago labeled the multi-legged and multi-headed monster a Praetorian. What it had in common with a Roman governing body, I had no clue, but it hit like a son of a bitch. I dodged its beam that took out my shields far too quickly. My HUD alerted me to more approaching husks and a few bugs and I swore. "Lawson, Vakarian! You keep those fuckers busy and I'll deal with this thing!"

A chorus of, "You got it, Shepard," and "Yes, Commander," echoed back to me. I turned my attention back to the floating monstrosity bearing down on me. I unslung my M-920 Cain. I just needed some distance to be able to get the shot off before the thing killed me. But it didn't stay focused on me.

I guess it was programmed, or something, to provide cover for the ground troops as they charged my team. The problem was my team was swarmed by husks already. I fired at it with the assault rifle I'd been slowly learning how to use. The thing's shields dropped and I almost cheered. Until it slammed itself on the ground and knocked Garrus out of cover. Then my HUD wouldn't lock on it so I could activate Charge to get to him faster. I launched myself over the wall and landed behind Miranda. "Keep the husks off me!"

"What the hell are you going to do?" she shouted.

She followed my gaze to where my eyes were drawn back to Garrus who was pinned out in the open with husks surrounding him. The turian spun and punched and hit with the butt of his gun, but when one went down, three more seemed to take its place. Just to add to his challenges, the praetorian's beam weapon was chewing up the organic deck, heading straight for him. But, I could now Charge at it. And I needed to do it fast so Miranda could help Garrus.

Miranda had other ideas, however. She looked back at me and I took my eyes off my friend long enough to watch her arrive at a decision behind those dark blue eyes. She dodged out of cover, ran past me and raced to another low wall. I felt the static charge build up behind my ears as her hand moved in her mnemonic for Warp as she ran. She flung the field at the monstrosity and it moved eerily quick to aim that devastating beam at her fleeing backside. "You help Vakarian, Shepard!"

I started to yell at her for disobeying a direct order, but the praetorian spun, its beam weapon tearing up more of the deck. I ducked as it swung over me, searing the wall behind me right where my head would have been, aiming for Miranda. She was too far away to rescue, but her actions made it so I had to place a priority on one of their lives and adrenaline and anger flooded my veins as I raced to Garrus, who was now the closest one to me.

I holstered my gun, knowing that in these close quarters, I was more likely to hit Garrus and deplete his already weakened shields and armor. So, I was going to have to touch them. I was glad I was in a helmet with a breather mask. They stank on Eden Prime and everywhere else I'd ever encountered them without a helmet. Rotting flesh, metal and the burnt ozone of unfettered electricity did not a pleasant combination make. Fortunately, I was also stronger than I used to be.

Garrus saw me coming and redoubled his efforts to fight free, including throwing one of the technological zombies over a cliff behind him. I grabbed one out of the group and punched it in the head, aiming for behind it as I was trained. The cranium caved in and I dropped it twitching to the ground and jerked another one back and repeated the process. Garrus continued to twist and punch the ones still surrounding him. I was glad these appeared to have a longer build up time before they let loose with that electronic attack I was used to from the husks I had fought before. One of them finally noticed I'd been punching my way through their mob and spun. It hit me, hard, against my helmet and rocked me back a few steps. It was at that moment my HUD decided to alert me to Miranda's waning health. "Fuck!" I kicked in the head of another husk rushing at me.

And then, suddenly, I was standing next to Garrus, panting. I glanced up at him to see his opaqued helmet looking down at me. I fought the urge to throw my arms around him in a hug. That was a bad idea in the middle of a battlefield. The fact that there were more husks rushing toward us reinforced that. I gestured in the mnemonic for Shockwave and a freight train of biotic energy raced away from us and tossed the husks like ragdolls. "Where's Lawson?" the turian's voice grated over my comm set.

Before I could answer, the lifesign readings in my HUD for Miranda flatlined and I realized she was out of the fight and didn't have enough Medigel to revive her in combat, she'd just be taken out by a stray bullet. The Praetorian spun and started heading for us. "Son of a bitch!" I unholstered the Cain again and Garrus and I ran up the ramp as the floating monstrosity edged closer to us. "Strip its shields!" I shouted at Garrus as we flung ourselves behind the low wall. Garrus leaned over and aimed his 'Tool at the thing. A shock wave of an EM pulse shot out of it and hit the thing hard. At the same time, I stood up and aimed the Cain at it, waiting for the charge to build up. I prayed it was enough away from Miranda that the blast wouldn't hit her, but it was a risk I had to take.

My heart pounded in my ears as the Cain powered up in my hands and the praetorian moved closer to us. "Shepard! Shoot it!"

The recoil from the gun as the huge round exploded from the muzzle rocked me backward and I felt something else hit me from the side and I slid into the far wall, the blinding flash from the sub-nuclear explosion temporarily blinding me.

I blinked and the world came rushing back. I was flat on my back with arms like steel cables pinning one of mine to my side, the massive gun and the hand that was holding it was wedged between me and the wall. Garrus' helmeted head and armored shoulder covered my face. He lay flat on top of me and his legs tangled with mine. He lifted his head, his silvered visor aimed in my direction. I grinned feebly, my ears still ringing, "Of course, this means you have to buy me dinner."

He laughed and ducked his head. "It'll have to be somewhere cheap. I'm afraid there's not a lot of profit in being a vigilante."

I had to laugh, too. "Get off, you're heavy."

His voice still held a note of laughter as he pushed himself away, "I don't think now's the time for that, do you?"

"Degenerate. Your mind's always in the gutter."

He laughed again and held a hand out to help me up. My levity faded when I realized, that in the empty chamber, we were the only signs of life. Miranda was still flatlined. Slinging the heavy Cain back into its holster, I broke into a run past the pile of ashes that used to be the praetorian and headed for where I'd last seen the brunette.

Her crumpled body in its shiny black armor leaned limply against the low retaining wall. The armor was no longer pristine, but singed in places and chipped and scratched from husks. I reached her and hit the command function on my suit that would override her safety functions and pump the last of our medigel into her battered body. I saw her eyes flutter open under her faceplate and breathed a sigh of relief.

And then I yelled at her, "What the fuck were you thinking, Lawson? I gave you a direct order! That is the last time you disobey me, got that?"

Her blue eyes flashed in anger at me, "I disobeyed your order because you're more valuable! You are far more important to this mission. I did what I had to do keep you alive!"

I rocked back on my heels and stared at her, "Miranda, I'm not a complete idiot. I did have a plan."

She shook her head at me. "I saw your plan, Shepard. It was a bad one."

"That's not for you to decide, Lawson."

"As your XO -"

"Can we have this argument back on the Normandy?" Garrus interrupted.

I glared at him and his blank faceplate met my gaze impassively. I was trying to decide whether to take him on, too, for his insubordination when Joker's sarcastic voice came over the comm, "Commander …any time now!"

"Acknowledged, Joker," I snarled back and glared at both my teammates. I stood up and hauled Miranda to her feet. "I will deal with both of you, later." We reached the door EDI hacked and the wail and moan of husks greeted my ears. _Good, I can work off my anger. Shouldn't berate the underlings when I want to rip them limb from limb. Even him.  
_  
The husks helped me work out my irritation at Garrus and Miranda. Mostly Miranda. We pounded our way through them and a few more Collectors with that trash talking glowy thing that liked to call itself Harbinger spouting insults at us. I heard Garrus snort over the comms when it said his species was too primitive.

We made it back to the Normandy after a final sprint through a solid wall of husks. Panting, I stood in decon as our suits were scanned for microbes and other contaminates and cleaned and switched my glare from my XO to my old friend. "I'm going to deal with the Illusive Man. And then there'll be a debrief. After that, I will meet with you both individually to discuss what just happened." EDI announced we were clean and the airlock cycled open. I took my helmet off and jerked my head toward the open door. "Dismissed."

I didn't bother changing to speak to Old Blue Eyes. He could talk to me in my collector and husk blood spattered armor. Just because I was pissed at Miranda, didn't mean I'd forgotten the bastard's betrayal. _Just like Akuze_, a little voice in the back of my mind offered.


	18. Chapter 18

_No, you're not hallucinating. The Sparring Log is back. This time, there's just a point to it beyond Unresolved Sexual Tension. Not my toys, I'm borrowing Bioware's._

* * *

**Captain's Personal Log: Eagle Nebula, Relic System, Murky Water Orbit: Interpersonal Combat**

My heart pounded as I sat up in my bed, gasping for air, my long blonde hair matted with sweat and sticking to my back and neck. For once, it wasn't a nightmare about my shitty childhood on Earth, or Akuze, or the Protheans, or the Reapers, or my death that woke me and sent my heart to pounding. It was a goddamned sex dream about Kaidan Alenko.

I rubbed my eyes and attempted to disentangle myself from my bedding. I'd managed to wrap it around myself several times. I was glad I didn't bother with pajamas; it was bad enough the tank top was twisted up under my armpits. Angrily, I yanked at the blankets and before I got myself completely straightened out, I tumbled out of bed and onto my ass. "Graceful, Meg. Real graceful." I shook my legs to disentangle them and stood up, pulling up my green lace undies. I stumbled up the short steps to the head, cursing as I stubbed my toe. "EDI! Lights! 50%!" I growled.

I finished and splashed water on my face, as cold as I could get it. "EDI, time?" I asked around the towel.

"4:00 AM, Shepard," the disembodied voice replied.

"Dammit," I dropped the towel on the floor, missing the towel rack. It was too late to bother going back to bed, didn't think I could sleep anyway. I needed to do something. That dream really bothered me and I couldn't get it out of my head. _Legs entwined on soft cotton sheets, hands roaming, exploring._Our relationship had been more than sex. I did love him, I thought. He just . . . broke my heart with his principles and his convictions. But it was the sex that kept me awake. Or maybe it was the current lack thereof?

Putting on my workout leotard and shoes, I decided I could either shoot something, or go find some other way to work this out. _Tongues and lips meeting hungrily._I shook my head, chasing away the memory. HE dumped ME, dammit! And that email didn't fix a damned thing!

Angrily, I left my suite and headed to the gym. It was a large area in the bowels of the ship, meant to give plenty of work out space for a team of human commandos. It was divided into two sections, one with weights and aerobic equipment such as treadmills and ellipticals. The back half was a respectably sized padded room with an observation window for sparring. Or at least, that's what we used it for. Cerberus hadn't really counted on my motley crew of misfits. They'd probably intended it for something tame like aerobics.

I got there and stared at the assortment of practice mechs. There were about a dozen, lined up neatly along the opposite wall of the entrance like a group of toy soldiers. They'd been built to approximate humans and some of the aliens we were expected to be fighting, according to Cerberus. Flipping the switch on one of the larger ones, probably meant to stand in for a krogan, I ordered it to load the program I'd given it a while back. I had a fifth degree black belt in a mixed martial art style that had gotten me through my grief after Akuze; it was the one at which I was best, though I'd studied others. I wrapped the strap of the thin, fingerless gloves designed to prevent split knuckles around my wist as I crossed to the other side of the mat and bowed. The mech did the same before it stepped onto the mat and took up the first position. My anger and frustration took over and I leaped at it.

I had set it for the highest difficulty, but I beat the mech within five minutes, the final punch neatly denting the large gold Cerberus logo on its torso. I threw the arm I'd managed to wrench off over on the pile of the rest of its parts. I still couldn't seem to get used to the upgraded strength Cerberus had given me, and my reflexes were just that much faster. "EDI, prep the next mech. Make me actually _work _to destroy it, please?"

"Shepard, I would like to remind you, these mechs are expensive and are meant to be reused," EDI's virtual blue head popped up from her console to chide me.

"I don't give a rat's ass. I'd rather take my bad temper out on a mech than on my crew. Or your housing," I'd barely worked up a sweat. "Program the thing with something random. Drunken master maybe, or jiu-jitsu."

"As you wish, Shepard," the AI's tone sounded snotty; maybe I was just projecting my own irritation. The Illusive Man and his games had sent me to bed last night in a foul mood. Dreaming of the man who'd ripped my heart out and stomped on it with both feet and who I still couldn't get out of my head hadn't helped my need to pound the everloving shit out of something, anything, brought about by that son of bitch's manipulative tactics.

"Keep it up, EDI, and I'll download you into a microwave," I grumbled at the shimmering blue globe. "Now, bring it."

Two mechs turned on and lumbered toward me. They didn't stop to bow at the mat. They circled me, as if they were looking for an opening. I'd forgotten to pin my hair up so I blew it up and out of my eyes while watching the machines. That must have been some sort of signal or an opening since they both rushed me and attacked. I ducked, punched, and tripped one. I drew my hand back and punched through the thing's head, a standard tactic when punching solid objects in a martial art, you always aimed for something behind it. _Hand on my breast, one between my legs, my fingers in curly, black satin hair, mouths locked together. _The visceral memory hit me and broke my tenuous control on my temper. The head was suddenly concave and the machine shorted out in a shower of sparks. A shadow crossed over me and I flipped backward, the soft-soled shoes strapped to my feet landing lightly as I came down in a ready position. The mech charged me, throwing a high punch and feinting with its other fist. I ignored the feint, taking a weak hit on my ribs and blocked the punch aimed for my face. Pushing it away, it charged me again. I jumped and brought my foot up to connect with its jaw, snapping the mechanical head off. The machine collapsed in a shower of sparks.

"That's more like it EDI! You might actually make me break a sweat here!" I took the glove off to examine the skin on my knuckles for blood. The skin hadn't split too badly, good. I replaced the glove, tightening the strap that was beginning to loosen from my sweat.

"Shepard!" I jumped at Garrus' voice behind me. "Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?" The turian was staring at the wrecked mechs at my feet. He'd been picking up more human slang on this ship than he had on the first Normandy.

I turned and put my hands on my hips, "You could say that. What are you doing up at this hour?" He leaned in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. He was wearing a similar uniform to mine. Both had the ever-present gold logo embroidered over the left pectoral. I was so tired of seeing that obnoxious symbol everywhere. It was odd seeing him out of armor, though, he looked somehow smaller but still intimidating since his natural armoring was more apparent. His leathery plates glinted metallically in the fluorescent lighting.

"I'm always up at this hour. You aren't. Everything all right?" He was looking at me curiously, his head cocked to the side.

"No. Apparently, I'm too strong for a mech, now," I kicked at the remains of the last mech I'd "killed."

"You haven't used them since you were… augmented… have you." It wasn't a question. He still tried to avoid the word "dead." "You realize Cerberus didn't equip the ship with anything other than humans in mind, right?"

"Last I checked I'm still human, Garrus," I told him, crossing my arms under my breasts, trying not to pout. I really felt like pouting. Another physical memory of Kaidan turned my pout into a complete scowl.

He walked until he was closer to me. Without warning, he threw a punch at me, almost faster than my eyes could track. Unthinking, I blocked him, bringing up my hand to catch his fist. I stared at my tiny human hand holding his much larger three-fingered fist and brought my eyes up to meet his then dropped to stare at where his fist was still in mine, his skin rough and hot to the touch. It matched the skin on his neck, more than the plates on his face. I pulled my eyes back up to meet his. "Could you have done that before?" He asked, his eyes narrowing.

"You didn't pull that, did you." It wasn't a question. I knew he hadn't.

"No, I didn't. If you missed, I figured you'd shoot me later, or something," his mandibles flared in amusement. "I've been sparring with Grunt and Thane, usually. Sometimes Samara, when she's not meditating."

I released his fist and crossed my arms again, turning away. What the hell had those butchers done to me? I'd known I was stronger and marginally faster than before, but this? I could either whine about not being human or I could suck it up and kick this turian's ass. I grinned at him over my shoulder. "You want to add me to that list?"

It was Garrus's turn to cross his arms at me, "I don't know. You might be tough, Shepard, but you're rather breakable. Especially against Grunt."

"I wasn't proposing taking on Grunt, Garrus. But I can take you."

He chuffed out a breath, his eyes narrowing at me again, "You and what army, Shepard?"

I narrowed my eyes back at him, "I don't need one. Two hits: me hitting you, you hitting the floor, Vakarian. Besides, I only know lethal ways to take out a turian. I'll have to actually think about how not to kill you."

He snorted and pulled on gloves. I assumed it was to keep his talons from harming me. Was it because I was a fragile human, or did he grant Thane and Samara the same courtesy? He then dropped into an aggressive stance. "Bring it, Shepard," he said me, inadvertently echoing my words to EDI earlier.

"Uh, one rule: no headshots. We both have work to do today," I pointed out. The blue mass effect field flared up around me in a corona of power and I shoved the mech parts over to a corner out of the way.

Garrus watched me move the parts with my mind, "One more rule: no biotics."

I feigned shock, "Garrus! I'd never use biotics on you!"

The turian lunged at me, knocking me over. I hit the mat and he was on top of me, I could feel the plates on his thighs and shins through our clothes, hard against my skin. His hands were on either side of my head, his face close to mine. He smelled like gun oil, metal, leather and caramel; scents that were growing more and more familiar to me. "Somehow, I think you're lying, Shepard."

I arched my back, grabbed his collar and flipped him, somersaulting over until I was on top. I leaned over him as he'd done to me, my hair hanging down over my shoulder and into his face. "I never lie." Before I could grab his hands, he picked me up by the waist, his hands rough and strong, and threw me into the padded wall. I bounced off and landed on my feet and one hand, the other drawn up at my hip, head lifted to keep my eyes on him.

He twisted impossibly, for a human at least, and was on his feet again as well. We circled each other at arm's length, each waiting for an opening in the others' guard. Our gazes locked. I wasn't sure what I saw, but in a fight, you're not supposed to think anyway. He must have seen me decide to attack. I kicked upwards toward his head in a feint and he caught my foot and threw me. "I thought you said no head shots!" he grated out.

I laughed breathlessly, "I didn't say I wouldn't fake one." I went with the momentum of his throw and turned it into a flip, bringing my other foot up to connect with his chest, aiming for the space between the plating on his pectorals and hitting it hard before I landed on my feet again. I thought I was out of reach of his arms, but at the last second I had to throw myself backward and my arms up to duck a punch. I kicked out my legs to sweep his feet from under him and he jumped backward, avoiding me. We circled each other again. I saw a shift in his step and realized he was leaving a blind spot to his right. It was because of the bandages and the fact that he still couldn't move his neck very well, but would he thank me for taking it easy on him now and letting a merc show him his blind spot the hard way later? I feinted again with a kick to his shoulder, and brought my fist up on his right side, not aiming for the bandages, I didn't want to re-injure him, but he needed to know. I aimed for his small nose but before I could land the punch, I was airborne with what felt like steel rods under my back and legs and then I hit the padded wall hard enough to get the wind knocked out of me.

"You son of a bitch," I told him. He'd pinned me against the mat, one arm across the back of my shoulders, immobilizing me, his legs between mine, keeping me off balance. His other hand pinned one of mine to the wall above my head. I recognized the stance; it was a standard maneuver for cops trying to immobilize criminals. I'd been on the receiving end of this before. Of course, the cop wasn't usually laughing in my ear.

"I can't believe you fell for that." His face was close to mine where it was pinned against the wall.

I glared at him as best I could out of the corner of my eye. "You left a giant gaping blind spot. Of course I'm going to go for it."

I felt his mandible stretch in a grin, "I can't believe I tricked you, Shepard."

I shoved against the wall with my free hand. It probably wouldn't have worked if I hadn't been augmented, but it was enough leverage to shove him off balance. I spun and knocked his legs out from under him, but he brought me down with him. He rolled until he had me pinned under him again. "You cheat," I told him.

"Against you? Damned straight." He grinned down at me, his cheekplates flaring wide. "Did we happen to put any money down? Any bet at all?"

"No," I grunted.

"Damn. Best two out of three?"

"Who determines the winner?" I demanded. I shoved at him, it was like trying to move a wall.

He pushed off me and stood up. He reached down a hand to help me up and I yanked on his arm hard enough to pull him back down. I used his momentum to continue up and over until I had him pinned. I straddled his hips, my feet over his thighs and my hands pinning his next to his head. We stared at each other for a moment, our eyes locked, both of us breathing heavy. Sweat trickled down my back and between my breasts. Rivulets of his own sweat wandered down his neck.

"I think I win," I panted. I stood up, uncomfortable. As I turned, I realized a crowd was gathering outside the observation window. And then, a few hundred pounds of turian hit me in the stomach, his shoulder ridge impacting just below my sternum, knocking the air out of my lungs. I gulped for air as he pulled himself off me, still kneeling on either side of my legs.

"Shepard," his eyes narrowed in concern. "Are you all right?"

I twisted over on my side to cough and jumpstart my lungs. My voice hoarse, my breath rasped in my throat, "Yeah. And you still cheat." I gestured to the observation window. A handful of the morning shift, probably starting their day with a workout before their duties began had gathered outside the observation window.

He glanced in that direction, "Wonder if they're betting on us?"

I sat up to lean against the wall. "Whoever bet on you just won." I coughed again.

"What did I do? Do I need to take you to medbay?" His mandibles drooped in concern as he leaned over me.

I laughed then coughed again, "You knocked the air out of me. But like I said, it was my own fault."

He looked alarmed, "I strangled you?"

I reached over and put my hand on his stomach, below the plated ridges over his rib cage. I pushed on what felt like softer skin there, trying to illustrate a diaphragm. "Humans have a muscle, here." I pushed.

He inhaled sharply and looked down at my hand. He closed his eyes for a moment then pulled it away. Shaking his head, "Don't do that."

"Uh, ok. You going to tell me why?"

"No," he told me, flatly, his cheekplates drawn in against his mouth, tightly, the way they did when I pissed him off.

"Fine. Give me your hand," I grabbed his hand and sat up straighter, my legs crossed. I put his hand on my stomach and exaggerated my breathing. He was either shocked that I was showing him this, or that I put his hand on me, I wasn't sure which. "That's a diaphragm, it helps us breathe. I'd have preferred to take your shoulder on my breast bone," I gestured. "And I would have positioned myself to protect my diaphragm if I hadn't gotten distracted. And then we wouldn't be having this conversation where I'm telling you how to disable an unarmored human in one punch."

He laughed, "I remember that now. That's one of the non-lethal ways we were allowed to take down especially difficult suspects. Asari have them, too, I think." He grinned wider, "I promise to only use my knowledge for good." He glanced down at his hand and realized it was still splayed across my stomach. He yanked it away as if I'd suddenly scalded him.

His action confused me, but I needed to get a shower and get to work. I stood up. "Thank you for sparring with me. It helped." I walked to the edge of the mat and bowed to the turian, formally. He hastily scrambled to his feet and inclined his head at me. Strangely, despite losing to him, I felt better.

Thane brushed past me, his usual scent of dry, dusty places and warmth wafting after him. "Commander, good morning."

I nodded at him before turning to the Cerberus crew, "All right, back to work, people! Show's over! Vakarian had better get a cut of those winnings!" My crew scattered, and I could hear Donnelly's burr demanding someone pay up.

"Are you all right?" I heard Thane ask Garrus.

"She – yes. I'm all right," his voice sounded different, though. I turned back to ask if he was fine but didn't get any further when he continued, "She put my hand on her stomach."

Thane exhaled sharply, "I take it that means something?"

Garrus' voice was quiet. "It means she trusts me."


	19. Chapter 19

_I own nothing._

**Captain's Personal Log: Nubian Expanse, Dakka System, Pragia**  
**Catharsis**

We stood side by side in front of the plate glass, one-way window in Jack's former cell. "Do you honestly think you're the only person on the ship Cerberus has fucked over?" I asked quietly. Garrus stood on my other side, and Tali was behind us somewhere in the room, trying to coax data out of the decaying circuits of the facility's intranet.

"Kiss my ass, Shepard!" She snarled at me. "You have no idea what I went through here! They abused and tortured me and they fucking enjoyed it!"

"Yeah, well," suddenly I felt indescribably tired and incandescently angry at the same time. "Life's a bitch, sister." _I wasn't going to lose it. I wasn't going to lose it._

"I ain't your sister, Shepard! Don't you dare compare yourself to me with your shiny Alliance rank and your pretty armor!"

"Not until you fucking listen!" I snarled back. I kept hold of the threads of my temper. _I would not lash out at her, I would not_. She was still the child locked in this room, trembling in fear and anger. Unlike me, killing her tormentors hadn't freed her. She was still imprisoned. Lashing out wouldn't help that. "Do you honestly think you're the only one in the galaxy with a shitty childhood? I was whored out by own father. First for his own uses, then for his buddies'. Then he decided to get creative and make a profit. You know why?" I turned to face her, taking the band out of my hair that held it in its messy bun, and held up a handful, watching her great, dark eyes follow my movement to stare at the golden blond curls in my palm. "This. This is why. I was traded around for cigarettes, red sand, liquor and sometimes even food." I threaded my hands through its length and let it fall down my back. There was no way I was going to be able to put it back up. "A natural blonde growing up in the slums of Earth was a target. I was a trophy. And then you know what happened?" Jack shook her head, her eyes wide, suddenly freezing in place, staring over my shoulder and then back at me. "I had enough. I killed him. My own father. I hit him with the first biotic pulse I'd ever summoned and threw him against the kitchen counter and broke his neck." My mouth twisted wryly. "I was eight."

Jack stared at me, arms crossed over her chest. "Impressive story. Am I supposed to feel sorry for you, Shepard?"

"No, Jack," I snarled back, the rein on my temper fraying. "You're supposed to stop the goddamned pity party and fucking listen!" I crossed my arms, mirroring her posture. I didn't actually care that Garrus was still behind me, at least, I thought he was still behind me, I hadn't heard him leave. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. When I began again, my voice was under control and back to dispassion. "I refused to be used again, just like you. When the Tenth Street Reds took me in, I killed the first jackass that suggested I earn my place on my back. I shot him in the head with a stolen pistol. It was easy after that," I shrugged. "I let my anger take over and just killed whoever tried to start anything with me. I was scrawny, tiny and sociopathic. I eventually killed myself up the ranks of the Reds, until I was the second in command. Then we were set up. I wouldn't find out for 15 years that Cerberus was behind that particular incident." Actually, I'd found out when I looked at the files I'd turned over to her. Cerberus had apparently been fucking with my life before they'd gotten their hands on me. Gave new meaning that phrase, "Over my dead body." She slumped against the wall, looking down at her boots, pretending not to listen. But she was glancing at me out of the corner of her eye, probably involuntarily. Didn't matter, she was going to listen. She was going to learn why I hated Cerberus more than she could ever fathom.

"The judge didn't give me a choice. As a biotic, it wasn't prison for me. It was the Alliance Academy. They had nothing on me for the people I killed, and I wasn't going to admit to them. It had been them or me, after all." Jack's head turned slightly, her dark eyes locked on mine, finally just listening.

"I worked my ass off in that academy. It _was _a prison, for me. I didn't understand them. Bunch of rich kids that got in on their parents' dime or with a Senator's backing. I was the delinquent. I knew math, I'd learned everything I could get my hands on while I was with the Reds, so I kept up. But it wasn't until graduation and my first unit that I actually felt like I belonged somewhere." Jack snorted. I knew what she meant. At the time, belonging somewhere was a foreign concept.

I shrugged. "I was with that unit for two years. I started as their second lieutenant. I paid attention. Listened to the Chiefs. That's what they were there for, they'd tell me, keeping second louies alive." I laughed quietly, remembering Hicks. Remembering that slightly respectful, yet superior attitude most senior NCOs adopted around junior officers. And then, a near-physical memory of his rough-skinned hands gently stroking my bare arm, the contrast of his dark skin against my neon-paleness stark. I wrenched myself back to the present before the old pain could flare up again. There would be time to salute my dead when I was done here. It was Jack's turn to bury her dead, even if what she was burying was the little girl that hid under that desk and cried for someone to love her. "I was up for Commander in my next promotion, finishing my tour as a staff lieutenant."

I smiled, welcoming that old pain, thinking of my unit, because it meant they weren't forgotten. I refused to think about not seeing them while I was dead. And I still shied away from the deeper pain of Hicks. "I can see their faces, still, you know. LtC Bishop; Second LT Hudson, Operations Chief Hicks, Gunnery Chief Vasquez, Corporals Toombs, Gorman, Apone, Privates Drake, Wierzbowski, Dietrich, Spunkmeyer, Ferro, Crowe, …" I wasn't even seeing her any more. I was seeing the planet we'd touched down on. A jungle world, supposedly completely uninhabited by sentient life. The stench of thick vegetation and rich soil and heavy ozone. Pragia had briefly reminded me of it when we'd touched down. I'd gotten past the point where that memory brought me to my knees, though. But it would never leave me and never truly stop hurting. "We were supposed to be looking for colonists that had disappeared off the grid. I never knew why they needed a platoon of fifty marines to babysit some colonists whose communications unit was probably just broken. We camped, expecting to look further for the colonists in the morning. We weren't expecting trouble."

Jack's narrowed. "What the fuck does this have to do with anything, Shepard?" I ignored the question. Either she'd get the point, or not. I'd bet she would, there was a first class mind behind the anger and violence.

"Dusk hit and so did the thresher maws. That's what they seemed like, anyway. Giant crop threshers that tore up the ground. Maws that ate everything. There were dozens of them. We know now they don't travel in packs. So, in hindsight, that was the first clue something was off about this.

"The sounds from the sentries alerted us first." _What was that? Alpha, report in! Echo, where the fuck are you? Command, This is Delta! We've lost..._ "Then gunfire and the communicators sparked to life, and we all heard our brothers in arms screaming and then the worst part was when the screams were cut off or died to a choking gurgle. Bishop started spouting orders. The wrong ones, he'd lost it." _I say again, lay down a suppressive fire and hold your ground!_ "He got more of us killed," I wasn't even looking at Jack any more. I struggled to avoid being drowned in the memories, but it was a losing battle. _Blood, gunfire, Running, heart pounding. Shouting for Hicks. _ "The few of us that were in the middle of the camp: me, Hicks, Hudson, Vasquez, Gorman, Toombs, and Dietrich formed up around each other and when Bishop suddenly stopped giving orders, I gave the order to evacuate," _MARINES! We are leaving!_I'd shouted. "We headed for the transport, trying to gather everyone we could in the darkness, in the chaos. Hicks kept Hudson from panicking and Vasquez had my six, Gorman and Dietrich were had their weapons out and hot. But you know, those fucking things aren't phased by bullets. The camp had caught on fire by then. Ordnance exploding and burning, lighting up the night, killing more marines, the lucky ones. Toombs disappeared, a maw popped up behind us and grabbed Gorman first. I met Hicks' eyes and they reminded me I had more people than just Gorman to take care of. I threw a Warp field at the worm and it dropped back under ground and we ran hell for leather to the transport. Something grabbed Vasquez, but we managed to beat it off, but her leg was shattered. She fell behind to cover us, to give us time.

"One by one we were picked off, the earth erupting beneath our feet in the dark. They picked us off one. By. One. Only Hicks and I made it to the transport. He all but threw me in, and turned to try to help him up, but before he got even a foot on the deck, he was yanked away. Two of those maws grabbed him and tore him," my voice broke, the tears I'd been holding back fell, "in half. A third hit the transport so hard, it dented the side and bent one of the wings. But I got that thing into the air, maws reaching up to try to grab me. I managed to circle the camp once, the floodlight showing me the destruction. I was looking for survivors. I thought I saw movement on the ground and swooped in a bit lower, hoping I could help, but the damaged wing couldn't handle it. The transport shuddered and I lost altitude. I was only a good enough pilot to crash land on the nearby rocks instead of back into the thresher nest. I bounced around the cabin as the plane rolled several times. They found me two days later, broken ribs, two broken legs, a broken collar bone and a severe concussion.

"Bishop was a grandfather, his first granddaughter had just been born. Vasquez had just come back from maternity leave, she left her son to grow up never knowing her. Apone had a little sister he was raising after their parents died. Hicks' girlfriend had just found out she was pregnant. They were going to get married at the first opportunity. Two more weeks and he'd have been out, starting a family." My voice broke, despite my best efforts, on "married."

"There are more important things than vengeance, Jack. Cerberus cost both of us a great deal." Jack stared at me, her dark eyes wide.

"Then why are you working with them, Shepard?" Jack asked, her voice actually subdued.

"No one else will help me stop the greater evil." I could still feel the tears running down my cheeks. I still didn't bother wiping them. My reward for my unit dying had been induction into N7 training.

I turned and saw that Garrus was still there behind me, I felt the blood drain out of my face. I couldn't look at him, I didn't want to see the pity in his eyes, or the condemnation for my criminal past. After all, if not for the Alliance, I might have been one of those mercs on Omega or this little girl slumped against the walls of a run down Cerberus facility with her CO yelling at her. Wordlessly, I turned and headed out of the building, knowing by the sound of boots on the metal plating that my team followed. When we got to the shuttle, I handed Jack the detonator. Her big eyes widened in surprise and she looked at me uncertainly.

"I didn't think you were going to let me do it."

I let Tali and Garrus climb into the shuttle before I responded. "I got to kill the bastards who tormented me. The only one still living is The Illusive Man. You blow this joint, he'll be all you have left to track down, too." And I had. Not only had I killed my father, but every Cerberus cell I'd wiped out during the hunt for Saren had been a memorial to my unit.

She looked down at the detonator in her hand, flipping the top open and closed. "Not the only one, Shepard. Some of them left to keep doing this shit."

I nodded, "And with those files Tali downloaded and the stuff on that disk you're still working on, they'll get theirs. I'll see to it. The only one that won't be brought down by this is that blue eyed bastard." I leaned down to look the smaller woman in the eyes, my hair falling into my face. "And you and I can put a bullet in his brain ourselves when the time comes. Until then, he has his uses." Jack's eyes shown coldly and she hopped into the shuttle ahead of me.

The shuttle would have survived any explosive charge we planted, but she needed to do it when she was ready. I was prepared to tell the pilots to circle till she let me know. I watched her. She looked everywhere but at me or Tali or Garrus, I could almost see the wheels turning in her head. Then her shoulders went back, and her head snapped up. When she met my eyes, I pounded on the cockpit door to warn the pilots. We could withstand the blast, didn't mean it'd be fun to fly through.

When we got to the ship Jack just pushed past us to head for her hole in the hold. Garrus paused at the gangway and looked at me like he wanted to say something. I gave him an unblinking stare, daring him to comment, he knew I'd been a criminal in the past, just not to the extent I'd just revealed. I didn't want to hear it. Not now, not on _my_ship. He opened his mouth and closed it, turned on his heel and walked away. When I got to the elevator, I finally noticed Tali had followed me, I took a moment to wipe at my eyes, realizing I'd walked through my entire CIC with tear tracks on my cheeks. I tried not to smear my mascara further. "How's the makeup?" I asked Tali.

"A total loss, Meghan," she put her hand on my arm. She didn't use my given name often, but I appreciated it now. "You were Hicks' girlfriend, weren't you?" Tali asked, her voice carefully neutral.

"The crash caused a miscarriage," I told her, my voice small. Even after all this time, that still hurt like hell. Hurt worse than losing the unit. Hurt worse than Horizon, losing Kaidan. Hurt worse than Ashley. It hurt worse than dying. It hurt worse than being alive again. Cerberus had cost me two men I loved and a child. What else would they demand?

"Are you all right?"

I nodded, "Nothing a hot shower and a vacation on a tropical beach with scantily clad, muscular men serving me drinks and catering to my every whim won't cure."

She gave a short laugh, "We make it through the Relay and I'll join you."

I looked over at her, grinning, "It's a date then." I leaned against the elevator wall, closing my eyes. _On Ontarom, Toombs pointed a gun at a scientist, fired. In slow motion, I watched him turn the gun on himself and fire a round into his brain pan._

I was the only survivor of Akuze.

* * *

_**A/N**: It occurred to me after posting that I should mention that yes, the Colonial Marines made a brief appearance and suffered the same fate that their _Aliens_ counterparts did. James Cameron rocks, _Titanic_ and_ Avatar _notwithstanding._


	20. Chapter 20

**Captain's Personal Log: Hourglass Nebula, Ploitari System, Zanethu Orbit**

I stepped into the elevator, heading up to my quarters for another exciting day of scanning for mineral deposits and attempting to plan an assault I had little to no intel on; I'd already made the rounds of my crew, but avoided the main battery, I still couldn't face him. A three fingered hand jammed itself in the way of the closing doors. Before I could tell him to get out, Garrus was in the elevator with me, leaning against the opposite wall, arms crossed, glaring at me. "How long are you going to avoid me, Shepard?"

I stared straight ahead, "I haven't been avoiding you, Vakarian." I tried to ignore the slight wince detailed by the narrowing of his blue eyes my use of his surname brought. This elevator was too damned slow.

"Shepard, you've left me behind for the last three missions. You've taken Tali and Jacob and even Miranda with you instead of me. Tali, I get. But Jacob? Miranda?" If a turian could look nauseous, he did. "Hell, you've gone out alone this time! Exactly how am I supposed to watch your six, if you leave me on the ship?" his mouth twitched in annoyance, his tone irritated. "Spirits, even Thane's beginning to take it personally."

"That was a tactical decision, Garrus, not a personal one. And Thane needs to bring his concerns to me himself, not make you run his errands." My tone was probably more irritated than he deserved, but I didn't apologize. I turned my head back to the doors which chose that moment to open on to the deck for my quarters. I'd been taking Garrus and Thane out almost exclusively since the drell joined us. The two of them complimented my skills the most and they sure as hell weren't Cerberus. Garrus, along with Kaidan, had been like one of my hands since I'd recruited him for the hunt for Saren. Was that really three years ago? Since my confession of my wicked childhood, Garrus had made me uncomfortable, though. I had shared too much.

Kaidan hadn't really taken the news of my criminal past all that well either, I remembered. Though he'd covered, the shock had been apparent in his eyes. And Kaidan hadn't even dealt with the scum of the universe on a regular basis like Garrus had. How would the ex-cop and vigilante take it? It had been hard enough to deal with Kaidan's anger and rejection on Horizon, what if Garrus felt the same after finding more out about my gang affiliation and my murder of my father? The possibility of rejection by the only other man in the galaxy I felt I could rely on was terrifying. The idea that my rock, my right hand, would weigh me and find me wanting scared the hell out of me. So of course, like all interpersonal conflicts, I ran from it. If I couldn't shoot it or negotiate with it, I didn't know how to deal with it.

I walked out, but before I could order him to leave he was standing in front of me, looming over me. I wasn't a small woman, but a looming turian was an intimidating sight. I told myself this was Garrus, with whom I'd been in more firefights than I could count and who'd saved my ass almost as many times, so I stood straight and met his eyes. "Really Garrus? This is how you want to handle this?"

He ducked his head, but didn't move from in front of me. "Not really, but you're not giving me much of a choice. Am I or am I not one of your officers?"

I leaned back on one leg and crossed my arms, glaring up at him. "Fine. Yes, you're one of my officers."

"Then I'm perfectly within my rights as such to bring the concerns of your team to you, aren't I?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, "Fine, whatever. You want to be the XO? I doubt Miranda would argue too much at this point." She'd been subdued since I'd yelled at her after the Collectors' ship. Though I wasn't sure if I'd had that effect on her, or if it was the Illusive Man's betrayal that had shattered some of her dearly held illusions.

"Spirits, no! I don't want the paperwork! But as one of your officers, it's also my job to tell you to stop avoiding me. And that others have noticed."

I just looked at him steadily. He was uncomfortable. I wasn't sure why. Maybe that whole turians-don't-question-authority stereotype? "All right. How much did you know before I developed diarrhea of the mouth down on Pragia?"

He stopped examining the tops of his boots and met my eyes, "Not much. Your pre-Alliance record was sealed. Probably because you were a minor. But everyone in Citadel space who was not buried in cryo at the time knew about Akuze." He crossed his arms, uncomfortable. "Tali told me about, about Hicks…"

My mouth twisted in anger, "About my fraternization, you mean."

"About your relationship," he finished. He looked at me. I'd never noticed how expressive his eyes were. Their silver blue-green hue bored into me as if he would will me to just talk to him. "I know neither of us are good at the emotional crap." I snorted at his understatement. "But would it kill you to lean on someone?"

I jabbed my finger into his armored breastplate, "I've borne this for God knows how long, Vakarian? It's not going to kill me to keep it bottled up longer."

He grabbed my hand, stopping me from poking a hole in his armor, "Really? Is that why you spilled everything to Jack, a complete stranger?" He snarled. "You're running around helping every one of your teammates tie up their loose ends before we go into hell and not bothering to tie up your own?"

I wrenched my hand from his grasp. Glaring at him, I walked over to my cabin door and waved him in. I gestured, and with a flare of his Omni-Tool, Garrus shorted out the bugs in my cabin. I walked down the short flight of steps to my "living room."

He followed me, standing in front of my fishtank, glaring at me with his arms crossed. I flopped down in the chair opposite the couch. I narrowed my eyes up at him, "Pot calling the kettle black, Garrus. Why are you up here shouting at me about my avoidance issues when you're using me to do the same for yourself?" He looked away. "Why the fuck were you on Omega?"

"I told you, I got tired of the red tape, and the Spectres didn't seem any better."

I made a noise in the back of my throat. "Do I look like I'm falling for that astonishing piece of garbage?"

"I don't care whether you fall for it or not. It's the truth!" I just stared at him, letting him know I still wasn't buying what he was trying to sell to me and, apparently, to himself. He uncrossed his arms and I saw his hands flex in exasperation at my stare. I brought my eyes back up to his face, waiting. "This isn't about Omega. This is about you cutting me out."

"Fine. You want to know about my loose ends?" I stood up and shook my head. I'm not sure why I was letting him deflect and not calling him on it. Did I want someone to lean on after all? Was he... offering? "The only loose end I have to wrap up is to destroy Cerberus. I can't really do that at the moment, Garrus. I was serious about what I said to Jack."

"So your hands are tied because the mission demands it?" the disbelief in his voice was palpable. He also ignored my cheap shot. I let him and nodded. "What is it humans say? Cowshit!" He exclaimed, getting the tone right, if not the word.

Jarred out of my anger, I covered my grin with my hand, "Bullshit, Garrus. The word you want is 'bullshit.'"

He blinked, "What's the difference?" He flung himself down on the couch, is armor creaking. He didn't seem to be quite so angry any more, just disappointed. Which was worse.

"Gender and about three thousand years of sexism, but nevermind." I moved over to sit next to him. Closer than I probably should have, my thigh against his, but it was too late to move away without implying something mean. I clasped my hands in my lap and stared at my interlaced fingers. He did deserve an explanation. He wasn't my subordinate, not really. I couldn't call either him or Tali that any longer; they were friends. "I stopped bringing you along, because I thought your opinion of me might have changed with what I'd told you."

He put his hand on my shoulder and turned me, gently, to look at him. "Shepard, unless you suddenly started slaughtering civilians by the planet-full, my opinion of you won't change." He looked at me steadily as I reluctantly met his eyes, "I don't care what you did to survive as a child. And frankly, any father that does that to their child… well, you were a lot easier on him than I would have been."

"I killed more than just him, Garrus." I swallowed, I don't think he knew the part of my history I really dreaded telling him. "I've even killed a cop in cold blood."

He froze. His predatory eyes focused on me. I'd only seen him this focused when he carefully and patiently lined up a headshot, breathing bated to improve his accuracy. The world narrowed down to just his gaze and mine, waiting, the only sound the quiet motor of the aquarium as it oxygenated the empty tank. Then the one healthy mandible twitched and he blinked and I resisted the urge to exhale loudly. "Did he deserve it?" His quiet voice was the only other sound in the room.

After his eerie stillness, I had no desire to wake Garrus' inner vigilante. I kept eye contact and told him. "At the time, yes. Now? In this case hindsight isn't 20/20. I can't see it as clearly as I once did."

"Why is that?" So still again, waiting.

"I hunted him down for killing a friend of mine. The bastard shot a 9 year old for lifting a candy bar from a convenience store. Diego was starving." I glared at the floor. Even now, my little friend's hungry brown eyes haunted me on occasion. I'd been 14 and he'd latched onto me as a protector. At first, I was annoyed. What the hell did I want with a kid following me around, asking questions, begging me to teach him to shoot? And then, after a few months, I got used to him. I looked for him. Hell, I looked out for him. Saving a portion of my own larger rations I got as an enforcer for the little guy. But for a growing boy, that wasn't enough. And since he wasn't a member of the Reds, they didn't include him in the food distribution. "He was mine to protect and I failed him." _Lurking in an alley, I watched the far-too-skinny dark haired boy sprint from the store, his eyes lit up in an adrenaline rush, running for where I hid in the shadows. He'd begged me to wait while he "got me a surprise." Stupid kid. _

_When the cop yelled, "Freeze!" Diego didn't really know enough English that the word meant anything to him and he spun in the direction of the voice, a large candy bar in his hand. The pistol was deafening in its report in the narrow street and Diego dropped, the impact of the round shattering his tiny ribcage. I froze long enough for the cop to approach and check Diego's scrawny neck for a pulse. I got a good look at his face and his name badge as he looked around for any accomplices my friend might have had. When his cold, dark eyes met mine, I spun and ran. I ran until I couldn't breathe, I ran until the tears on my cheeks dried into an itchy mess, I ran until my legs gave out and I collapsed sobbing behind a refuse pile, mourning that little boy. _"It didn't take me long to track him down. But while I did, I lived and breathed finding that bastard." I met the former cop's unreadable eyes. "It nearly got me killed."

He crossed his arms again, his cheekplates flicking against his jawline. "How?"

Remembering how stupid I'd been, how reckless, made the blood rush to my cheeks even now. I'd always acted before thinking, though I did that a lot less these days, my impulses tempered by experience and tactics rather than rage and adrenaline, I'd found the cop, Nguyen, on patrol. Stupidly alone in Reds territory, not that I had any back up. It had been a set up. "I jumped him. It didn't occur to me that there was a reason he was alone. He beat the shit out of me. I was only 14, an underweight little girl, and he pounded me into the pavement. I managed to grab his pistol and shot him at point blank range. The ring of cops that surrounded us in our fight hadn't expected that. They... reacted appropriately, I guess. I don't remember too much after that." _Eyelids fluttering open, agony shooting through the back of my skull. _ "While they treated me for the beating, they'd discovered my biotics. I was implanted and sent to 'reform school' and then Grissom Academy so fast my head spun."

"What was he doing in your territory?" Garrus' eyebrow ridges were drawn down over his eyes, trying to puzzle out the intricacies of the relationship between the Reds and the cops on Earth.

"I assume they were trying to make a bust." I shrugged. "Nguyen had been posing as a dirty cop for a while, I found out. The only marks on his record was shooting Diego and then beating me. The Houston Police used the shooting to their advantage and used him to bait a trap to catch dirty cops. But, there were been other ways to subdue a teenaged girl than pounding her head into the pavement. The whole thing was a clusterfuck.

"I will always regret jumping him, then. From what I know now, he had no choice in shooting Diego. Not in that part of town. Not with a gang war going on. The convenience store had been in disputed territory between my Reds and the Skulls. Nguyen had no choice to react as he did. Not that I knew this when I was fourteen. All I saw was child shot dead by an asshole cop who had no idea what it was like to starve."

He closed his eyes and looked away. "So this is why you keep trying to make excuses for Sidonis?"

"No. No excuses. Just... I was headed down the same path that those mercs you took out on Omega were on. Hell, I might even have ended up like Jack." Before the shooting, before Anderson, I thought. Before the Alliance. Before Akuze. "People were good for two things in the Tenth Street Reds, Garrus. Whoring and fighting. They wanted me to be the first because of my damned hair and eye color. I refused and became the second. And then revenge ate me up from the inside out. And I don't want that to happen to you."

His expression didn't change, but I couldn't read him. It drove me nuts that I couldn't tell what he was thinking. Was he angry about Nguyen? Did he think me a hypocrite? I jumped to my feet and walked over to an open spot on the floor and began to pace. "There but for the grace of God go I," I quoted at him. I'd probably butchered the saying, but I doubt he cared.

"Wait, are you saying I should have spared them?" Incredulity infused his voice. "Or that I should forgive Sidonis?"

"What?" I halted mid-stride to look at his astonished expression (_that_ I could read), and shook my head, "No, of course not. Even if I'd continued down that path, I'd have been gunning for Aria's spot, not taken up with the mercs. Ruling Omega would have been more my style. ''Tis far better to rule in Hell,'" I grinned sardonically, quoting Milton. Garrus chuckled, probably more at my hubris than my quoting one of Earth's great poets. "I never lacked for ego back then, either. I wasn't one of the good guys." I resumed pacing and I could tell he was waiting politely for me to continue. Problem was, it was hard to sort out the jumble of my feelings on the matter. Especially since I now realized, in my paranoia, I'd done my friend, possibly my best friend, a great disservice.

I stopped and tried to hold myself still, "Look, I'm sorry. Truth is, I was uncomfortable unloading all that history on you." But it didn't bother me that Tali now knew. My own illogic was driving me nuts. "But as far as Sidonis... just... don't let it consume you. Your squad deserves justice, not revenge. That includes him."

He stood up and crossed to me, looking down at me. He looked at me so intently, if it had been Kaidan, or any other human man, I'd be wondering if I was about to be kissed. But, this was Garrus. Did turians even do that? "Shepard …," out of the corner of my eye, I saw his hand move as if to touch me but then dropped to his side again, "I don't care what you were, what you did. You are my friend. Maybe my only friend in this whole damned galaxy. Do you think I let just anyone handle my sniper rifle?"

My eyes widened and I barked a short laugh, unable to contain it. He kept saying things like that, was he seriously flirting?

"Wait, why was that funny?" I guess not.

"Nothing," I grinned up at him. "I just have a depraved mind."

He thought about what he'd said for a moment. It was hard to say what changed in his face, but I knew embarrassment when I saw it. He rubbed the back of his neck, coughed and studied the tops of his boots. "I can see where that sentence went wrong," he laughed, finally, looking at me.

I went up on my toes and threw my arms around his shoulders in a hug. It was awkward, his armor forcing my head to turn into his neck. I felt his arms encircle me in return. "Is this a hug?" he asked, his tone strangely polite.

I nodded against his neck and I felt his arms tighten around me, his talons all but digging into my ribs. His scent, the odd mix of gun oil, leather, metal and caramel filled my nose. His voice rumbled against my cheek, "Can I ask you something, Shepard?"

I pushed against his arms to get him to let me go enough to look at him. I sank back on my heels to meet his eyes, "What's up?"

His mandibles were tight against his cheeks in discomfort, but his hands were still resting on my hips. I didn't step away from him though, I didn't want to insult him. It was an intimate gesture for humans, after all, but I didn't know what it meant for turians. "What does hair feel like?"

I grinned up at him and for an answer, took out the pins that held my hair wound up in its bun and threw them behind him onto the table. I shook out my mane of hair and it fell down around my shoulders to the middle of my back. "Now keep in mind, hair is almost as individual among humans as fingerprints. None of the humans on this ship, for instance, will have hair like mine."

He took off his glove, throwing it on the table behind him, and tentatively, he reached up one of his three fingered hands and ran it lightly down the length of my hair. At least, I think that's what he did since I couldn't feel it. "You realize it's dead tissue, right? You can't hurt me unless you do something to my scalp." I felt the slight tug as he carded his fingers through it. I looked up at him to see his eyes half closed, "Well?"

Still playing with my hair, he said, "Turians tend to think human hair is disgusting, greasy and smelly. I'm actually not sure why. I mean, I've seen some who fit that, usually criminals, but you . . . . I've never seen yours look anything other than clean and it certainly doesn't smell bad. I'm not sure what it smells like, but it's not bad."

"Apples. It's my shampoo." I said. His fingers running through my hair was quite distracting, I could feel my heart speed up and my breath catch in my throat. But if I yanked my hair away from him, I was pretty sure most of it would yank out at the roots because he seemed to have it well wrapped around his fingers. He disentangled himself, but before I could pull away, he pulled his fingers through again, this time lightly scraping my scalp to the point where goosebumps erupted all over my body. Weakly, I leaned my forehead on his armored chest, my fingers clutching at his arms. "OK, you're going to have a puddle of melted Shepard at your feet if you keep this up, Garrus." I guess he really was a good friend; I'd gone from being violently angry with him to letting him pet my hair just because he made me laugh in the space of about ten minutes and he'd done the same. His other hand was also still on my hip. Wait, this was Garrus. It didn't mean anything, right?

His hand froze against the back of my skull and I looked up at him again, "Why would you melt?" He narrowed his eyes at me, puzzled.

"I like having my hair touched," I told him. We stood there for a moment, as my words suddenly sunk in for both of us. We both realized at the same time how we were standing would look to an outsider: we were inches apart, my hands were on his upper arms, one of his hands was on my hip, the other cradling the back of my head, tangled in my hair and we were staring into each other's eyes. He'd gone unreadable again, or at least, it was an expression I'd never seen on him before.

Wait a minute. This was _Garrus_.

I stepped back, out of his reach. The strange expression on his face didn't change as he kept his eyes on me and bent to pick up his glove. He ducked his head as he walked past me to the door and I grabbed his arm. "I won't leave you behind again."

His ungloved hand covered mine and he looked at me, "Good. You should wear your hair down more. And... Shepard? I'll think about what you said about Sidonis."


	21. Chapter 21

_Sorry for the long wait. Thane's recruitment gave me fits._

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**Captain's Personal Log: Cat's in the Cradle**

"So, have those dreams you've been telling me about gotten any easier?" Tali asked, glancing at me.

I rolled my eyes and threw the data pad of reports on my table. "What do you think?"

She laughed and sat her own datapad down. "I could get you a quarian nerve stimulator."

"Don't you dare!" I threw a pillow at her, she deflected it with a laugh. We'd been meeting over coffee every morning or so when we could. Well, I drank coffee. She... did whatever quarians do with their nutrient paste. "Seriously, though. I've busted my ass in our little on-board gym. Taken on everyone I could, except Grunt, on the mat." I scrubbed my face. "I think I've even accidentally given Jacob the wrong idea and flirted with him. It was borderline sexual harassment. Miranda's going to bring a complaint soon, I just know it."

Tali laughed, "I doubt that, Shepard. Everyone knows about Horizon. They are all just too scared to bring it up."

"How? How does everyone know?" I blinked at her. "I've told no one but you, and Garrus and Jacob don't gossip."

"Sits up in the cockpit... wears a cap? Refuses to remove that odd fur your males grow on their faces?"

I rubbed my eyes. "I'm going to kill him."

"Don't." She laughed again. "He meant well. Garrus told him to stop."

I had to laugh, too. "So that's why he said Garrus had a stick up his ass."

She cocked her head at me. "How is that even possible?"

"It's just an expression, Tali." I picked up my coffee again. I glanced at her datapad looking for an excuse to change the subject. "So, how are things in Engineering?"

"Better, since you picked up those couplings. Gabby, Ken and I don't have to spend so much time on the little things." Her voice sounded amused. "Goes to show that sometimes, what's new isn't always better."

"Ken still bitching about the money you helped me win off him?"

"Of course." I could hear the smile in her voice. "He won't outright say you cheated, though. I think he's afraid of you."

I had to laugh again. The red-haired engineer rarely seemed afraid of anyone. Except Jack. Speaking of... "How's Jack?"

She looked away from me. "I think, since Pragia... she's studying um, _Denmark,_even more."

"Good. I haven't had a chance to check in with her. I know she's even more determined to find the surviving scientists now. I just hope I can keep her from a scorched earth response."

"You may not be able to, Shepard."

I sighed. "I'll jump off that bridge when I get there. Good thing I'll be able to keep her too busy for awhile to do anything."

"Don't think I don't know what you're up to, Shepard."

I turned my head back to her, startled. "What are you talking about?"

I could see her eyes narrow behind her face plate, one of the few parts of her I could actually see through the purple-tinted mask. "You're changing the subject."

I shook my head, grinning. "I'm going to stop letting you up here if you're going to keep being so perceptive." I looked down at hands while she waited for me to continue. "I just... that wasn't how I pictured things ending between us, Tali."

She cocked her head. "In my limited experience, 'things like that' don't ever end well, period."

I blinked, my eyes burning, and looked away. "I haven't been able to write him back. I can't think of anything to say."

She shrugged. "Then leave it till after the mission. If we die, you don't have to worry about it anymore." I barked a short laugh at her nonchalant gallows humor. The smile came back to her voice as she continued. "Besides, from what Garrus tells me, _Kaidan _dumped _you_. Don't humans have some sort of ritual to get over this?"

"It usually involves either ice cream or alcohol."

"And aren't we headed for the Citadel?"

"Yes."

"Won't there be time to stop being Commander Fucking Shepard? For just a little while?"

I snorted. "Tali, I don't get time off. Besides, we're going there to help Thane with his son and to pick up a thief Cerberus hired for us."

"Oh, that's right, the thief. Are you sure that's a good idea, Shepard?"

"What, picking up a thief?" I shrugged. "Why not? I think of all my crew you and Garrus and maybe Solus and Samara haven't committed a crime. And Taylor's only crime is a poor choice in employers." I chuckled at her rueful head shake. "And I think Grunt's only innocent of crime because he's a month old."

"You have a point." She stood. "Well, I'd better get back to engineering. While you're dealing with that, I've got some supplies coming that I arranged through a few quarian contacts. I'll have to meet them away from the ship. They won't sell to me if they see Cerberus anywhere near me."

I nodded, standing as well. "Take Samara and Solus. I don't think it's wise for any of us to go off alone. I'll let you know if I get a chance for some R & R and I'll show you how humans deal with a broken heart."

She laughed and shook her head. "You're taking Garrus, then?"

I rolled my eyes in mock irritation. "Of course. He won't let me out of his sight." She just looked at me, her shoulders held a little hunched as if from some remembered pain. I blinked. "What?"

"Just... watch yourself, Shepard. Or, at least, don't prevent Garrus from protecting you. Because... sometimes, I don't want to let you out of my sight, either. Losing a friend-" She looked away, not able to finish her sentence.

I felt my eyes burn again. "I - OK." Tali left after giving me a stern look - from her posture at least, it looked stern - and got ready to hunt down my new team member.

I hoped Kasumi Goto would be a better addition to my crew than Zaeed Massani who seemed to try to find new and different ways to daily try my patience. He did things his way and his way alone. Too bad he was doing things wrong. His way got everyone but him killed.

Thane had asked to speak with me before my sleep shift at the end of my day yesterday. I thought about what he'd told me as I twisted my hair up in my habitual sloppy bun and started strapping on my armor. Compared to mine and Miranda's dads, he was father of the year. That didn't make me like that he'd abandoned his son to relatives after the kid had lost his mother. But, his kid was now in trouble. I looked at myself in the mirror, shaking my head. _At least he was willing to fix the mess his neglect had made_, I thought. _Most parents in his situation didn't bother._How many of the assholes I've had to kill over the years had been the product of an upbringing like Kolyat? Not the son of a super-assassin, no, but absentee parenting and neglect. Not everyone had had a Captain Anderson to slap them upside the back of the head with orders to "straighten the hell up."

With Thane and Garrus at my back, we disembarked at the Citadel. We stood looking around while I wondered where the thief was hiding since this is where the instructions said to meet her. I was politely addressed by one of those stupid advertising columns that must have been invented while I was dead. I glanced around, wondering if my talking to a holographic pillar was being noticed. I caught Garrus' eye and he flicked his cheekplates at me in amusement, then turned his back on me to watch the crowds. I kept talking to the cheeky thief and surreptitiously looked around for her. I felt Thane's hand on my shoulder and looked over at him. He jerked his head in the direction of the catwalks above our position. I rolled my eyes at him and he smiled that sad smile of his and turned back to watch the other half of the crowds while I dealt with the arrogant criminal. I mean, seriously, who claims they like to remain anonymous and then publicly hacks an ad terminal?

We went through C-Sec and talked to Bailey about Kolyat. Bailey was surprisingly eager to help and sent us to find a former Duct-Rat named Mouse. Poor guy, stuck with that nickname for the rest of his life. Mine had at least been intimidating, if pretentious.

_"Hey, Killer!"_

_"S'up, Baby Girl?" The petite brunette grabbed my hand and we executed that intricate (and in hindsight, ridiculous) handshake the Reds required of all members. Baby Girl had gotten her name from her former pimp and just hadn't changed it when she came over to the enforcement side. She'd killed him for trying to sell out the Reds and got a promotion out of it. She seemed to be trying to out-do me in body count._

_"Aw, man, ain't nothing going on down on our end. Whatchyoo got goin' on here?"_

_I jerked my chin in the direction of our fearless leaders. "Fuckin' negotiations."_

_"What the fuck happened to kill 'em all and lettin' God sort 'em out?" she drawled, her thumb playing with the safety of her pistol._

_"Fuck if I know." I hated playing body guard. But Dodger _(he thought his name was clever despite no one but me getting it) _had wanted to at least attempt to settle this with the Fist without a gang war. The cops had been cracking down lately. Diego sat in a corner his big brown eyes watching me, like always. I was 14 and he acted like I was his mom. _(I guess, now, in a way, I had been.)_ He'd been dogging my steps for awhile. And I felt bad for the little guy. Baby Girl popped her gum as she chewed it noisily. My nerve endings were standing on end as I watched the Fist's enforcers across the room. Why the fuck was Baby Girl standing so close to me?_

I came back to the present to find myself looking at a mirror of Diego from my past. Younger than he would have been, had he lived, of course. I glanced at Garrus who's cheekplates were in tight against his jaw and wondered if he'd ever been the one to find one of those little bodies at the bottom of a ventilation shaft. Mouse glanced at the three of us nervously, hoping the information was adequate. For some reason he thought we'd beat more out of him. I shook my head, he reminded me too much of Diego. We started to walk away, but before we went too far, I remembered I wanted to ask the kid something. "About those Shepard VIs?" I heard Garrus make an amused cough behind me and Thane's nictating membranes blinked at me in surprise. Mouse spouted protests about the legality of his software, but eventually downloaded the thing to my 'tool. I glared at the two aliens, daring either to comment further. We went to question Kelham. Which, fortunately, didn't take very long and I got to throw my Spectre status around, much to Garrus' amusement.

Goto and Garrus walked above the Zakera Ward on the catwalks with me while Thane Krios did his disappearing thing to search out his son and to be close enough to stop him in case the kid was dumb enough to take Talid out in front of his krogan body guard and half the population of the Citadel. Each time Joram Talid, Kolyat's intended target paused, Thane demanded an update, strain sounding in his voice. A flash of white teeth from the depths of her hooded face showed that Kasumi as amused as I was. After I reassured Thane, again, I rolled my eyes. "You'd think I never tailed a suspect before."

One of Garrus' eyebrow ridges went up, "Have you?"

I waved my hand. "That's beside the point."

Goto didn't bother to keep her amusement out of her voice, "He's on the move, let's go."

We trailed Talid through the Ward, sticking to the catwalks. We stopped when he stopped. I shook my head. "Bastard's actually shaking people down for 'campaign donations.'"

Garrus shrugged. "Welcome to the Citadel." I looked up at him and met my eyes. I hadn't seen him look so tired before. At least, not since I'd dragged him off Omega.

"You ok?"

His cheekplates flicked at me and his eyes narrowed. "Don't you ever get tired of the bullshit?" I smothered a smile at his accurate use of the word he'd just learned.

I shrugged instead. My eyes following the politician. Kasumi had wandered ahead to better anticipate Talid's movements. Or was she trying to give us time alone? Why? "We're soldiers, Garrus. Doesn't matter if we're tired of the bullshit. We just have to get the job done. Ours not to reason why / Ours but to do or die." Tennyson's "Charge of the Light Brigade" seemed very appropriate to our mission at the moment.

He huffed out a laugh. "How very turian of you."

I shifted my weight, waiting for Talid to move again. "Oh?"

"Don't question orders, just carry them out. No matter how bad." I heard his armor creak slightly as he shifted, too, his sharp eyes watching his fellow turian. I felt his shoulder brush mine and realized his hand on the railing was pressed against mine. Even through our armored gloves, I could feel the warmth of his hand. Or was it my imagination? I raised my eyes and found him watching me, another of those unreadable expressions on my face. The moment seemed to stretch out and I actually jumped and Garrus flinched when Goto spoke up behind me.

"Shep? Garrus? He's on the move." A member of my crew for five minutes and she was that comfortable, huhn? I wrenched my eyes away from Garrus and followed the thief. My face felt like it was on fire. What the hell was wrong with me?

We were forced to leave the catwalks to follow Talid more closely. And that's when we finally saw Kolyat. It had to be him. He was the only drell we'd seen on the Citadel other than Thane. "Kolyat!" I yelled, giving the Blood Pack bodyguard shadowing Talid time to do his job. In desperation, Kolyat fired his weapon and the bodyguard, who apparently really needed a shield upgrade, took the shot and fell backwards, stunned. Talid took off running and Kolyat sprinted ahead of us to catch up.

Thane materialized from the shadows and the four of us took off at a run, Kasumi hacking the apartment building's records on the fly to find out what unit Talid rented. She led us to a bank of elevators and I did my best to swallow the adrenaline surge, reminding myself this was a scared kid with something to prove, not a dangerous merc. Garrus seemed to feel the same way since he switched out his sniper rifle for his pistol at the same time that I switched the shotgun for mine.

I felt my stomach sink into my boots as we barged into the unit to find Kolyat standing over Talid, the turian's hands laced behind his head. And, just for kicks, Bailey showed up; someone probably called C-Sec over the krogan getting shot. "Get out of my way." Kolyat's voice sounded cold, but the gun shook at bit at his target. "I'm walking out. He's coming with me."

Thane stepped forward, I heard Garrus switch ammunition. "They'll have snipers outside."

The kid's eyes were on his target, though, and not the eight other guns in the room. "I don't need your help!" I shifted my aim slightly to just to the right of him, just over his shoulder so he'd be sure to feel the path of the bullet. I fired, the kid flinched and a lamp gave its life for its owner. I crossed the room in that split second where Kolyat stood stunned and punched him in the face "What the hell?" he demanded his hand going to his jaw.

I didn't bother to draw my weapon again. "Talid, get the hell out of here." The turian stumbled out while Thane approached his son and took the kid's gun.

"Take the boy into custody." Garrus shook his head as the officers approached. I sympathized. Jail time was not what this kid needed. I probably knew that better than even Garrus did.

"You son of a bitch!" Kolyat made a grab for his weapon as Thane dismantled it.

I sighed. "Listen, you dumbass. We just kept you from making the biggest mistake of your life." I stepped closer to him, almost in his face. I could see Thane tense, trying to decide which of us he'd support, I guess. "Your father doesn't have much time left, Kolyat. He's trying to make up for his mistakes. So fucking _listen_. Not many fathers would even _try_." The son finally directed his attention to the father and I left the two of them to talk and approached Bailey.

"Is locking him up really the best idea, Bailey?" I asked.

The human shrugged. "If you have something better, I'm open to it." I glanced at Garrus who watched the two drell, his eyebrow ridges drawn together and his cheekplates tight to his lower jaw. I wondered if he was thinking about his own father.

"Kolyat. I've taken many bad things out of the world. You're the only good thing I ever added to it." I glanced at Thane, hearing the pain in his voice. I quickly grabbed the brief thought of, _would my father ever have regretted what he did to me_, threw it to the floor, wrapped a noose around its neck and threw it off a balcony before it fully formed in my mind.

Bailey cleared his throat. "This isn't a conversation you should have in front of strangers." My eyebrows flew up into my hairline as he continued. "Boys, take Kolyat and his father back to the precinct. Give them a room and as much time as they need."

I stared at Bailey. "Really? That's it? I'm surprised you're letting him do that."

Bailey looked away, his lined face tightened in sorrow. "You think he's the only man who's ever screwed up raising a son?" I resisted the urge to retort, "What, no one worries about fucking up raising a daughter?" I gave myself points for keeping my mouth shut. I watched Bailey blink a few times and suddenly he was back to being the grumpy Captain. "I have to get back to the precinct. C'mon, I'll give you a lift." I stared after the officer for a moment.

Garrus caught my eye and gave me another of those looks I'd give my non-shooting arm to be able to interpret. "What?"

Bailey jerked his head at me. "I'll wait outside."

My friend waited for the captain to step out and turned to me. He looked like like he was going to say something sympathetic, but I guess my expression stopped him. Instead, he began, "Sidonis -"

I interrupted him by holding up my hand. "I know. We're here, let's take care of it. You want Tali's help or do you mind Ms. Goto tagging along?"

The thief stepped forward from the shadows. "I can meet you back at the ship if this is a private matter." Her painted lips quirked in a small smile. I toyed with the idea of ordering her to take her hood off so I could see her eyes. I didn't like half a teammate's face being hidden for no reason. Me? Suspicious? Nah.

His cheekplates moved out then back in and he glared at Goto then back at me. "I don't care." He spun on his heel and moved to leave the apartment.

I shook my head. _So that's what's been bothering him this whole time. Sidonis. _Baby Girl's cold eyes flashed through my memory. "Stick around, Ms. Goto."

"Kasumi, please."

"All right. Stick around, Kasumi." I brought my hand to my ear and commed for Tali to meet us at the C-Sec precinct.


	22. Chapter 22

_This chapter made me very nervous. It is, after all, the turning point in the relationship. Hope y'all enjoy it. As always... I own nothing. Not even Meghan - I think it's more accurate to say she owns me. _

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**Captain's Personal Log: Fade Away**

"Run all you want, Harkin! We'll find you!" Startled at the anger in his voice, I glanced at Garrus. I'd never seen him so angry. Not even when we went after Saleon. Tali had still been in the middle of her supply run and unable to join us. Garrus was clearly impatient to track down Fade, so we brought our new thief along. After a snarled, "Stay out of my way," from him at her, we landed the car and that's when we we'd run into our old friend.

I owed him a punch in the jaw anyway. _Call me "Princess" one more time, asshole_.

When we finally caught up to the son of a bitch, Garrus' fury knew no bounds. It was more than it just being Harkin. It was the fact that an ex-cop was using his skills to work against C-Sec. And possibly costing so many more officers their lives. Bailey had reluctantly admitted they'd been unable to catch up to "Fade," and seeing Harkin's set-up, here, in this warehouse, I knew why.

His office was like some sort of command center. Monitors everywhere. He seemed to be tapped into the Citadel feeds. _Bailey's going to love this_. I didn't protest when Garrus threw the bastard against the wall. The nut shot even made me grin a bit. Then, Garrus started sounding like an action-hero from a B-vid. "You know what else is bad for business? A broken neck!" _A little over-the-top, there, pal._I watched Garrus examine his pistol, grinning appreciatively when Harkin looked back at the turian nervously. I did grab his arm when he drew his pistol to shoot the son of a bitch, however. Death was too good for him. But... Harkin had to push that one last time. The solid impact of a hard turian head hitting a human nose told me Harkin wasn't wasn't going to be a problem for a little while. Garrus angry was a sight to behold. I was glad I wasn't on the receiving end of that pent-up rage. Though I really wanted to have a few harsh words -or more - with the bastard that was effecting my friend so badly.

"I didn't shoot him," the turian growled at me. I didn't let Garrus see my grin as I commed Bailey to let him know where to find Fade.

Sidonis. The trip over to the Wards from the warehouse district... well... the word "uncomfortable" didn't even begin to describe it. Kasumi seemed to be trying to remain unobtrusive in the back, her eyes locked on the view out of the window. "This isn't like you," I told him. I turned my head to look out of the windshield of the car. I could feel his eyes on me, pinning me to the seat.

"What do you want from me, Shepard?" What did I want? I wanted my smart-assed pal back. I wanted the guy who had no idea what a hug was. I wanted him to stop glaring at every sapient being he came in contact with. I wanted the guy who made bad jokes at really inopportune times and felt compassion for the less fortunate and the weak. I wanted my _friend_back. "What would you do if someone betrayed you?"

I turned to look at him, my mouth open in astonishment. "Have you been paying attention at all? You jackass! I've lost count of the number of times a knife's been stabbed in my back. It's nothing but scar tissue now. You do _not_ fucking let it change you or _they_win."

_Babygirl snapped her gum in my ear. "So what the hell's taking so long."_

_I snorted. "Dodger being clever, prolly."_

_"He thinks he's hot shit, don' he." _

_I shrugged. "He can think all he wants. S'long as we get our creds, right?"_

_The shorter, dark-haired girl snapped her gum again. "Sometimes, there's more to life 'an creds."_

_I looked at her, my eyebrows drawing together, resisting the urge to take my hand off my shotgun to run my fingers through my short spiked hair. "What the hell you talkin' about, Girl?" She drew her knife to trim a hang nail._

_"Sometimes, it's all about where you stand. I told you that last night, remember?" I frowned at her. All she'd said last night was that there was no way to advance in the Reds as long as Dodger held us all by the short and curlies. _

_"I don't wanna be in charge, Girl, I just wanna look out for my own and keep my ass in one piece." _

_She flipped the knife end over point in her palm. "You got no imagination, Killer. No ambition." The fuck was she talking about?_

_Diego's voice rose over the negotiations. My shadow, my savior. "Meg, watch out!" I spun away at the last second so all she got was a cut across my ribs in the gap of my crappy-assed body armor. I grabbed her arm and yanked her elbow out of socket with a sickening crunch that neither of us paid attention to. Her other hand went for her pistol and I didn't even bother to wait for her to get it, I just opened fire, taking the kick of the shotgun in my gut. It hurt, but nothing I couldn't live with. She collapsed at my feet, her hands holding onto her stomach, trying to keep her guts in. I ignored her and spun to wade through the Fist's members to get to Dodger. Hit one with the butt of my shotgun. Spun around and shot another in the face. Saw Big Red on the other side of the room trying to dislodge the crowd around him. Where the hell had all these fuckers come from?_

"Who's going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don't? Nobody else knows what he's done. Nobody else cares." I tried to talk him out of it. This didn't sound like justice. This sounded like a vendetta. Something I was trying very hard to stay away from myself with Cerberus. "I've always hated injustice. The thought that Sidonis could get away with this..." I closed my eyes at the pain in his voice as it broke slightly, like shattered glass falling across my skin, tiny cuts as it fell to the ground. _But _he _was here, _he_ was alive._

His anger returned with the next sentence. "Why should he go on living while ten good men lie in unmarked graves?" I just looked at him. Part of me agreed with him. But, if he started down this path, could he stop? What about the next person who crossed him? _Smug mechanical blue eyes staring at me over a plume of cigarette smoke. _Garrus got out of the car and nodded toward a vantage point in the catwalks above the Ward.

He stormed away and I met Kasumi's eyes. "You really have a problem with revenge?"

"Only when it's all you can see. When it's all you eat, sleep, breathe... when it consumes you, yeah. I have a problem with it." I glanced at her. "Why, do _you_need revenge?"

"No, I just need to steal something. You get to go to a party."

"I hate high heels." I sighed and looked around. _Couldn't stall any more._"C'mon. He should be in place by now."

After, he'd gotten in the car to go back to the Normandy without speaking to me. All I'd gotten was a frigid, blue-eyed glare. Silently, we'd driven back to the ship, his mandibles quivering against his mouth as if he wanted to say something but he had no words, or they just wouldn't come out. His shoulders slumped against the seat, obvious even in his armor.

So, the minute I was out of my armor, I went to the gunnery. I'd even taken my hair down, letting it curl around my shoulders and down my back to point out that I was there as his friend not his commander. It was warmer that way, anyway. The door cycled open at my touch, which was a good sign. I'd expected it to be locked. I stared at Garrus' back, letting the door cycle closed behind me. His ruined armor blocked me from reading him at all. _ I need to replace that piece of junk. _The random thought startled me, but I kept my face blank.

His fingers stilled on the console, and without turning around, he said, "I know you want to talk about this. But I don't, not yet."

I walked around to lean on the railing so I could at least see his profile. "I know it didn't go the way you had planned, but I think it's for the best." _ I'm sorry I couldn't let you walk that road. Hate me forever if you want. At least you're alive and whole. More or less._

His fingers folded together on the console, gripping each other tightly. "How the hell can you even say that, Shepard? I'm not the only one in this room who's lost their whole team." He turned his head away. "So no. I'm not so sure."

"Give it time," I told him, my voice quiet. "Akuze will always, _always_ be with me. In my nightmares, coloring everything I do. Diego is there in the face of every duct rat kid I see." _If _it _had been a boy... _I slammed the door on that thought. I put my hand on his shoulder and tried to turn him to face me. It was like shoving a krogan, or a brick wall.

"And here you are, working for the people who killed them." His voice was toneless, dead.

"Avenging them, or telling Cerberus to take their ship and their shiny new implants and the life they gave back to me won't stop the Reapers nor bring my unit back. All I can do is honor their memory."

"Yeah. Maybe that'll be enough." His fingers spasmed tighter together and he finally looked at me. "I want to know I did the right thing. Not just for me – for my men." He unfolded his hands and gripped the sides of the console. "They deserved to be avenged, Shepard."

"But do you have to be their avenger, Garrus?" I stepped closer to him. "You had him in your sights longer than when I was standing there. You could have taken the shot at any time; you didn't need me to step out of the way."

He turned to look at me for the first time, his eyes boring into mine as he processed what I'd just said. "I went there to kill him, Shepard. Hell, if I could have lasered his name on a bullet I would have. I don't know what happened."

I put my hand back on his shoulder and closed the rest of the distance to him. "You are a killer, Garrus." He looked like he was going to object to my word choice and I held a hand up to stall him. "And a damned good one. But you are not a murderer. You've never killed in cold blood."

"You've never let me." We were both thinking of Saleon.

"Bullshit, Garrus. I'm not your keeper. I don't _let_you do anything. You're a good man and you make your own decisions. I'm just a convenient excuse to keep your conscience clean."

He looked really startled at that. Then pissed off, his cheekplates tight against his jaw. "I can tell the difference between right and wrong, Shepard."

I nodded, but didn't look away from him. I kept my eyes locked with his. "Yes, you can. If you didn't, you'd do what you want anyway, no matter what I said. And you wouldn't need me to help you see the right way through. If you didn't know it was wrong, you'd have shot Saleon the minute you recognized him. You wouldn't have let me talk you out of it. Remember Wrex and Fist? Wrex shot Fist, right in front of us. For no other reason than because he was paid to do it. I love Wrex like a brother, but he's a murderer. You are not."

He shook his head. "I've done plenty of bad things, Shepard."

I cocked my head at him. "How many people have you hunted down and put a bullet through the heads of, Garrus? How many times have you been the one pushing the blade in toward the heart? How many cops have you stalked and beat the living shit out of with your bare hands?"

"You don't get it, Shepard!" He smashed his armored fists into his console. Fortunately, the thing was tougher than it looked. "You weren't the commanding officer on Akuze. You weren't led away to leave your team to die. You didn't recruit the Marines in your unit."

"I did lead them, Garrus. I was their XO. And now, I work for their murderers. But I'm doing right by them by continuing to make the fact that I lived, _matter_. I do right by Ashley every day I draw breath because I stay with these evil bastards and work to bring down that which she fought _with us_against." I wanted to pound what I was trying to say to him into his thick turian skull.

He pushed himself away from his console and started pacing. "How? How can you do this, Shepard? How do you live with it?" _Because I made it in time._

I shrugged. "By fighting. By making a difference. Vengeance won't bring my unit back. It won't bring back Hicks, or my child. It certainly didn't bring back Diego. And it won't bring your men back." I paused and took a deep breath. "I don't know what turian beliefs are, Garrus, but vengeance is never for the dead. It's for the living."

He stopped pacing and stood close to me, looking down at me. "I failed my team because I trusted Sidonis. He wasn't ready for the responsibility of being a part of my team and I let him in. I was a poor judge of his character."

"I told you, Garrus, to me, you're not a failure. And you're not psychic either, to know the inner workings of a man's mind."

He took his gloves off and set them on the console. He reached out to touch my hair, carding it through his fingers. I wanted so much to lean into his hand, but I held myself still. _What the hell was wrong with me?_"Why did you wear your hair down to come talk to me?"

I blinked at the sudden change of subject and tone. His voice had dropped to those lower registers. I _really _had to fight not to lean into his hand. "Because I'm here as your friend, not your commanding officer. Don't change the subject."

I felt him pull his hand out of my hair, carefully, gently, and watched it drop back to his side. _Wait... bring that back here! _"Maybe you're right. Maybe I wanted you to take the decision out of my hands. Maybe I needed your approval."

I blinked at his agreement. That was completely unexpected. Why wouldn't he argue the point more? "Why the hell would you need my approval, Garrus?"

"Because you're my friend? The only one I have left."

I rubbed my forehead. "Don't let Tali hear you say that."

He crossed his arms. "All right, you're my best friend."

"And you're mine."

He sighed. "I thought I wanted to kill him, and I could have before you ever blocked my shot. But when Sidonis was in my sights . . . I just couldn't do it." He slumped against the console, defeated.

I looked out over the tubes and wires and metal of the guns. I stepped closer to him and gave him a hug, my head pressing carefully against his scarred side. "The lines between good and evil blur when we're looking at people we know."

He shrugged against me, but returned the hug, his hands tight on my back. "Yeah, there was still good in him. I could see it." He sighed and stepped away, looking down at me. "It's so much easier to see the world in black and white. Gray … I don't know what to do with gray."

I tucked my head in against his neck, as awkward as it was in his armor. "Everything is gray, Garrus. Nothing is ever really black or white. You've got to go with your instincts." I pulled back to look at him.

He rolled his eyes and his fingers went back to carding through my hair. I wanted to purr. _What the hell was wrong with me?_"My instincts are what got me into this mess."

"Don't be too hard on yourself," I told him. "Your instincts led you to confront an infamous Alliance Commander and talk your way into helping her take out a nefarious, crooked Spectre."

He laughed. "OK, so sometimes they're right."

_Somehow, I made it to Dodger, Diego right behind me. Big Red managed to finally get free, his shirt soaked in blowback and his shotgun smoking. Dovey crept up behind us, her sniper rifle equally overheated. Dodger had the leader of the Fists bent backward over the table, a serrated blade to his throat. "You son of a bitch! You set up an ambush on me? On _me?" _Dodger was spitting, raving mad, the stims he used to up his alert level and strength had his eyes wide and the blade trembling against the guy's throat. "I'm glad I got good people with me. You only took one of them down."_

_"Uh, boss? I took her down." His brown eyes flicked to me. _

_"The fuck you talking about, Killer?"_

_"Baby Girl set us up. She told you where the Fist wanted to meet, right?"_

_For one minute, I didn't think he'd heard me. But red started to creep up his neck. The cords from his obsessive body building stood out in sharp relief. "She still breathing?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Dovey, drag that bitch over here." Dovey was a dark-haired, pale girl. Sharp eyed, quiet. You always got the impression, looking at her, that those dark eyes had looked into hell. A hell even worse than the ones most of us had seen. She didn't speak. Ever. But she was strong enough to drag Baby Girl over here by herself while the rest of us watched for reinforcements. _

_"Why's she still breathing, Killer?" _

_I shrugged. "I missed. Then left her ass since I figgerd you'd wanna deal."_

_He nodded. "Just one thing, though, Killer." He paused, his eyes weighing and measuring. "You never miss."_

_I felt my heart jump in my throat. I kept myself still, though. Being my father's daughter had given me one hell of a poker face. Dovey dropped Baby Girl in front of me. Her braids fell over her eyes and she defiantly glared up at me. "Shoulda joined in, Killer." She coughed, blood on her lips. She wouldn't last much longer without precious Medigel that Dodger wouldn't waste on a traitor._

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"That opportunity I tole you about last nigh'? You laughed at me. Well, now look at the sitiation yer in." I looked from her to Dodger. The older man grinned, showing his stim-rotten teeth. Casually, he slit the guy's throat and left him to bleed out on the table. He straightened up and handed me the knife. _

_"You know what to do, Killer."_

_I felt Big Red put his meaty paw on my shoulder, his rust colored dread-locks hiding his face. I felt Diego press himself into my back. Dodger's dead eyes regarded me silently. If I didn't do it. I'd die here. So would the boy. Since no one looked out for him except me. But Baby Girl... she was my friend. My best friend. But... Diego. I met her eyes and slid the blade up under her ribcage, slicing her heart. _

Baby Girl was the last friend I had in the Reds. I let no one get close until Hicks. And then... Kaidan. Her betrayal changed me. It hardened me. It made me cold, cold it took a hardcase throwback to Her Majesty's Royal Marines to thaw out of me. Cold another throwback hopeless romantic Marine almost froze over again. I reached up to touch Garrus' face. "Just... don't ever lose that, Garrus."

"Lose what?" He blinked at me, his hand going to my wrist.

"Your passion. Your righteousness. Don't let assholes like Harkin and Sidonis take it away. Being cold is damned lonely."

He laughed. "You're the furthest thing from cold I know, Shepard."

I grinned. "Aw, damn, and here I was going to talk you into warming me up." I paused. "Wait.. that didn't..." He laughed harder until he had to lean against his console. I shook my head. "You can stop now." He shook his head, still laughing. I didn't feel like laughing with him. He'd probably hate me for what I was about to tell him, anyway. _Better he hates me than the alternative._ I leaned against the railing and looked down at my boots, my eyes drawn to a scuff across the left toe. _Really need to take care of that soon._

When Garrus finally stopped laughing, I glanced at him. "If you're really still hell-bent on vengeance for your team, think of it this way. Putting a bullet in Sidonis' brain is the easy way out for him. You saw how broken he was. This way, he stays that way. The thought of what he did. What he cost his friends... He will never let it go and it will eat him alive." Garrus looked at me steadily, his cheekplates moving against his jaw as if he were searching for something to say.

I cleared my throat around the lump that had suddenly sprang up. I held his gaze, unblinking. All the pretty words in the world weren't going to make what was in my heart any less black. But they might keep Garrus from getting tarnished along with me. "Don't know if you've noticed, but I have a black hole somewhere in the middle of me. That black hole is pleased as punch you let him live. Because that's _my_ revenge for what he cost you, Garrus; for what he almost cost me. He gets to live with it. He gets to stew in it. And I'm going to sleep well tonight knowing that." I swallowed. "Because, if I hadn't gotten there in time, if I'd stopped to get Mordin first, or gone to talk to Anderson... I'd have lost _you,_too."

"You -"

I held up a hand to interrupt him. "I don't want you to be like me. To have a gaping chasm where your soul should be. To look on your second chance of life and wish to God that they'd left your ass in frozen oblivion. Because it hurts less."

"So, you're glad I didn't kill him because you want him to suffer more? Because he hurt me? Because he almost caused my death?" He went still. That sniper-still he fell into when he was pissed beyond words. Though sometimes he did it when he was confused, too, I guess.

"Yeah. What I said was true. You're my best friend. You're on a very short list of people I trust. I need you at my back, walking into hell with me." I shrugged. _Yeah, that's it. It's all about the fight and the foxholes._"If you truly wanted him dead, he'd be dead. But I'm glad you let him live. I wanted him to suffer for what he put you through. For what he might have cost me." I looked away. Fucking hell, what was making my eyes burn? "You still want him dead, let's go. We've got two days before we have to be at Bekenstein."

He crossed his arms. "I'm not going to hunt Sidonis down, again. You're right, he's suffering more now than he would with my bullet through his skull." I opened my mouth to say something, I'm not sure what, but it was his turn to hold up a hand to forestall me this time. "You do not have a black hole where your, what was the word? Soul is." He twisted his mouth around the unfamiliar word. "I'm not sure what one is, but given the context, I know you have one of whatever it is. You wouldn't be fighting the Collectors and the Reapers otherwise."

"No, I-"

"Shepard," he glared at me. For once, I shut up, closing my mouth with a snap of my teeth. He paused for a minute, arms still crossed, just looking at me. He shook his head, his cheekplates tight to his jaw and his brow ridges drawn together. "Too bad your father's already dead or I'd hunt him down and make him feel like Sidonis is now." In spite of myself, I laughed, a short painful thing.

He stepped closer and looked down at me, his blue eyes with their green and silver tints fixed on mine. "Oblivion can't be better than this." He looked around. "Well, even if 'this' is a freezing-cold gunnery bay on a ship owned by terrorists who sent us all on a suicide mission."

I shrugged again. "Nothing hurts when you're dead, Garrus." Reluctantly, though, I felt a weak smile spreading across my lips.

He reached out and with his ungloved hand, ran his fingers through my hair. Before I could stop myself, I leaned into the warmth of his hand, my eyes closing. "Nothing feels good, either, Shepard."


	23. Chapter 23

**Captain's Log: Broke, Blind and Bedlam**

Kasumi and I stood at the Observation Deck windows of the lounge she'd made her quarters. I'd object, except she seemed to genuinely like visitors, unlike Samara who generally ignored them. The shutters were open and I felt that familiar electric jolt of terror arc down my spine, but I stood my ground. I was unreasonably afraid of that precariously thin material between me and the void. I knew nothing was going to happen, standing there. But the flashes of torn hull and explosions and drifting into the cold nothing-ness alone until darkness claimed me would not leave me alone. I was still in the little black dress and heels she'd give me for the mission. There'd been time to get out of my armor, but not to get back into uniform before Kasumi needed to talk to me.

I was fairly proud of myself for standing there, staring into the void, unarmored. Daring it to stare back at me.

I forced my eyes to focus on our reflections, not the stars sitting there in judgment of me. I watched hers in particular as her bent head indicated all she was looking at was the grey box in her hands. I knew what it was like to be a survivor in a relationship. I'd sat in that hospital for a very long time mourning Hicks and our future together. But if I were ever confronted with a way to never lose those memories? To keep those laughing brown eyes from fading away? And what about Kaidan? What if he'd been the one to die on the Normandy and all I had left was a box with his voice on it? A hologram? Would I keep it? No matter what else was on there? "Is there any way we can just destroy the information?"

"No. Keiji was a master at encrypting files. He laced the information into his memories. You can't get one without experiencing the other."

To experience Hicks' memories of our time together? Or Kaidan's? What would I give? My memories of my fiance had faded long ago, but my time with Alenko was still so vivid, the memories would wake me in the middle of the night, aching for something I couldn't have. And probably never did have. Had we really loved each other, or just the ideas of each other?

[i]Reports. Always more reports. Reports on what system needed repairing, what supplies needed replacing. Reports on crew duties and morale. And Alenko, true to his job as Third Officer, always brought them to me, sometimes straight from Pressly. Most written by his own hand, though. Well, his own hand on a datapad. The first time, he was so formal. Hell, I was so formal. So new to my Spectre-hood and the command of a ship, I was afraid I squeaked every time I turned around.[/i]

"That would be... something," I said aloud. "To see yourself through his eyes. To feel how much he loved you." I turned and leaned against the bulkhead, crossing my arms, ignoring the cold of the metal and the abyss at my back.

"I hadn't thought of it that way." She looked down at the box again, a wondering smile playing about her lips. "To see everything I remember through his eyes and not mine."

_It was so cheesy, in retrospect. Like something out of one of those soap-opera vid serials. Our hands touched as he handed me a report and we happened to be making eye contact. A literal spark leaped between us as our biotics made contact, but that was nothing compared to the warmth of his fingers and the work-roughness of his skin against mine. I almost dropped the pad. I felt my face heat for the first time in a long time and something behind those warm brown eyes let me know I wasn't the only one to have felt that._

"But it would be tempting to be lost like that, wouldn't it?" I pointed out. "To be wrapped in that cocoon of his love for you? It would take a strong person to resist being consumed by that."

Her slender fingers wandered over the box, tracing a pattern I couldn't see. "I know. But if it's used wisely, it could be the most wonderful gift he ever gave me. His memories of us."

_I found excuses to go speak to him after missions, before missions. In a firefight, he was the one I knew would be there at my six, covering my back when I took out the bad guys. He was also the one that made my heart pound in my throat when he'd take a risk to save a civilian. Or me. Whether I needed it or not._

And now Garrus was doing that. _Shut up_, I told that small voice. "His memories, Kasumi. Not yours."

"I know, Shep. I would have to be careful not to get too absorbed."

_The Alliance frowned on fraternization, just like every other military service humans had ever invented. A policy I never really understood. After all, if all you ever met was soldiers, that's who you were going to fall for. And to ask your soldiers to live like monks was a little much._

_Until it actually mattered. Until Hicks. And then, Kaidan Alenko. After Hicks, I knew better. Losing him broke me. Miscarrying his child nearly killed me. But the biotic with the warm brown eyes and the dry sense of humor surprised me. He snuck in behind my walls and barricades, sapped my defenses. Thawed the emotions I'd packed behind a wall of ice._

_Even before Ilos, Kaidan was the first person I wanted to talk to in the morning and the last person I wanted to see before I slept. And when I kept running into him on those shifts, I began to realize the feeling was mutual. He listened to the stories of my past. It had hurt when he flinched a little at some of the tales of my criminal exploits. But then, even Hicks had looked uncomfortable at some of the things I'd done. I listened, in turn, to his stories of Brain Camp and squelched the urge to hug him right there at his duty station when his eyes became briefly shadowed with the remembered pain and I could almost see the seventeen year old he had been standing up to the hulking turian ex-commando. A child facing down a dangerous authority figure._

_When I'd confided the events of Akuze to him, there on a drafty lookout perch on Feros before the assault on the Skyway in the morning - taking our turn on watch for the very odd colonists - I'd watched his face, carefully. I'd come to realize there, in the hunt for Saren, that I depended on him. That I wanted his good opinion. He guessed sooner than Tali had that I'd been Hicks' fiance. "I'm so sorry, Meghan." That was the first time he'd ever used my first name. He'd glanced away, his mouth pulled tight in sorrow, or maybe anger. I felt my stomach flip. It had been a long time since anyone had gotten angry for me instead of at me. "How many armchair generals who like to second guess military fuck ups did you have to teach a lesson to, after?"_

_I glanced down at my gun. "Too many. I - I don't usually tell people I was there. Unless they recognize my name like you did."_

_"I must have sounded like a complete jackass. 'You could have gotten any posting in the fleet after that!'" He looked back at me, his dark eyes glittering in the shadows of the starlight. "I don't usually put my foot in my mouth that badly."_

_Warmth spread outward at that sidelong look, starting somewhere in my middle and ending up in my cheeks. I was grateful for the dim lighting. "I, uh, thought it was cute."_

_He laughed, short, choked off, quiet. "You have an odd sense of 'cute,' Shepard."_

_I looked out into the starlight. They'd given my team the high ground. We were spread out around the settlement, our suit sensors and_ The Normandy's _interlaced to give the colonists a greater warning system in case of attack. Kaidan, Garrus and Tali had set it up and I had to marvel at their ingenuity. "Doesn't make it any less true." I cleared my throat._

_"By the way," he began, also clearing his throat. "I apologize for using your name like that. It was unprofessional."_

_I'd liked him saying my name. The way he made it sound. "Don't worry about it. I didn't mind. I liked it. But... I wouldn't go calling me that in debriefings or anything." I grinned at him, my tone teasing._

_"I'll keep that in mind, ...ma'am." Somehow, despite the formality of that word, it didn't sound formal when he said it. It was like a promise. An expectation. A whisper of intimacy that somehow came across in that short little salutation. I shivered. We'd passed the rest of that watch in silence._

"How long were you two together," I asked.

"Quite awhile. We were rivals. And then we weren't."

_I think the point where it stopped being a battlefield flirtation and he became so much more than just an officer and a friend to me wasn't any one thing. It was a slow progression built over hearing each other's stories, about growing up biotic, even if he'd known earlier than me. I'd mentioned once, the ostracism at the academy. Both for the biotics and for the gang past - my still-shaved head had been a dead give-away. But like any angry teenager, I refused to change that. Kaidan had looked at me and with those melting eyes of his fixed on mine, said, "Well, they missed their chance."_

_"Missed their chance at what?"_

_"To get to know, a uh," a private wandered by and he quickly straightened up and finished, "A damned fine officer." It was all I could do not to laugh like a little kid at his fast recovery. He'd grinned sheepishly at me and I had to go do commanderly things._

I closed my eyes and looked away from her. I cleared my throat. "If it's that important to you," I told the thief, "Keep it. Just make sure you're willing to live with the consequences."

_Kaidan laughing at some asinine joke I'd made. The dry chuckle dancing up and down my spine. Garrus' rough hands carding through my hair, my skin breaking out in goosebumps at his touch._

"Yeah, I am. I'll stay off the grid. No one will know I exist." She sounded eager to begin her exile as she sat down and leaned forward to meet my eyes through the shadows of her hood. "I think I want this. Thanks, Shepard." Her VR interface lit up, hiding her eyes, and she leaned back in the seat, visiting Keiji and leaving me with my thoughts. My own memories that tore at me.

_"You realize this plan has me walking into hell, too?" The rough, deep voice drawled in amusement._

_"I thought we had something Shepard, something real. I loved you."_ _We did_, I thought back at the man on Horizon. What we have, what we had, comes around only once. _"You betrayed me."_

_"What do you want from me, Shepard?" that flanging voice, twisted in anger and pain._

_"Take care of yourself, Shepard." Sorrow, pain. Angry brown eyes turning away_.

"I always take care of myself, Kaidan," I whispered into the silence. Setting down my drink, I turned to look at Kasumi. A small, content smile curved her lips and I could see the movement of her eyes behind the VR interface. She seemed to feel me watching her and the interface flickered off.

"You look sad, Shep. Everything all right?"

I shrugged. "You being able to see Keiji's memories just brought a few of my own back."

"They were that bad?"

I looked into the short glass with the un-touched two fingers of whiskey. "Oddly enough, no. The present is, though. Just a few regrets." Large, gaping ones. _If I'd been more open with him, would he be here now, trusting in me?_ After all, it wouldn't be the first time he committed treason for the right reasons.

I had to believe I was doing this for the "right reasons." Thinking about Kaidan and the hunt for Saren brought back the self-doubt, the conviction that right now, I was just a piece in a chess board I couldn't see. The Illusive Man was maneuvering me toward an end I couldn't grasp yet, and I doubted he would care if I came back from this suicide mission at all. Was Anderson also manipulating me? I thought about my team. Each of them, even Jacob, seemed to have some sort of axe to grind with the terrorists. I could easily see Cerberus wanting all of us dead after using us up like a bent datapad. My one sticking point was Miranda. Why send the golden girl protege on a mission that could get her killed? Maybe it was a good thing Kaidan wasn't here. [i]When I fuck this up, he'll have to take care of the Reapers. If he still believes in them.[/i]

"Well, regrets are a part of life." The woman's soft voice informed me, sagely. "They inform us and guide our actions toward the future. I don't think anyone can live entirely without regrets. If they do, they're probably very boring people who never risked anything."

Regrets. In that brief moment the realization hit me. It wasn't pity that I'd seen in his eyes. Not pity, but the urge to comfort me as I'd wanted to comfort him. I hadn't liked that reaction, then. I still wasn't sure I did, but I could understand it. It was my little form of hypocrisy. I could comfort others, but couldn't handle comfort for myself. I never thought I deserved it. I was aware enough to know that. So, after that discomfort, that hint of compassion, I stopped talking about my past. My fault, I know. But he didn't press when I clammed up. If he had, I'd have told him the whole miserable story. I didn't want his pity, as I saw it then. But then, I also didn't press him on Vyrrnus. I knew better than most what it was like to kill at a young age. How it could affect you. But his doors seemed to slam shut then, too, so I didn't push it. Would he have opened up to me, like I would have to him, if the right pressure had been applied?

"Thanks, Kasumi. I'll, uh, leave you to your memories. Just be ready for a mission tomorrow. There're some smugglers that need a lesson in manners."

She smiled. "Of course, Shepard. And if it cheers you up? The word is that Garrus really likes you." I blinked, my heart dropped into my stomach. _What the hell brought that on?_ She shrugged, "I can never tell with turians, but that's the scuttlebutt around the ship."

"Wait, what?" She'd been on board five minutes and knew the ship's gossip already?

She smiled, her white teeth stark against her dusky skin. "I think you should go for it. A lot of people want to see you two together!"

I had to clear my throat again. "A lot of what people?"

She waved a hand, dismissively indicating the ship. "The crew. EDI... people."

I glanced away from her, toward the door and escape. I guess my body language gave me away because she continued. "I'm sorry, did I say too much? I have a bad habit of sticking my nose where it doesn't belong." She paused. "Is there someone else?"

_I_ loved _you_. "I - er, it's complicated." Why send a valuable member of Cerberus on a suicide mission? Other than everyone being expendable? Was it to make it seem more important than it really was? Was Miranda really there to spy on me? Was I hiding behind this conspiracy theory to keep from thinking about Kaidan? About him dumping me? That last one was obvious. Of course I was. Didn't make the fact that I needed to think about this less valid or less pressing than my needing to figure out how I felt about him. Not that I thought it would be an issue in the future. I doubted I'd ever see him again. His leavetaking on Horizon had been pretty final._ Take care of yourself, Shepard._

"Just... not sure what to do with that information, Kasumi."

She frowned at me. Apparently that made no sense. "Take advantage of it, or not, Shep. Life's too short not to embrace every minute of it."

Oddly enough her words echoed that bizarre asari Matriarch bartender on Illium. _"After a while, you find peace in whatever arms will hold you."_ Or something. "I don't know. Like I said. It's complicated. Good night, Kasumi." I drained my drink and sat the cup on the counter.

"Good night, Shep." A little voice from the past made my steps falter a little. _"Night, Skipper." God, I miss you, Ash._

I headed for the mess for one last snack before bed. A bed I hated sleeping in. What kind of a sadist puts a view of the stars above the bed of someone who went Flying Dutchman and died? A biotics' metabolism was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I could eat what I wanted. A curse, because I had to eat nearly constantly. My stomach rumbled as if underscoring my thoughts.

I grabbed a PB&J out of the fridge. With this many biotics on board, Gardner had taken to leaving pre-made snacks and sandwiches in the fridge. As long as he washed his hands, I was glad to have an actual, real life cook on board. Even if he had his work cut out for him with so many biotics and a krogan on board. I remembered Wrex straining the SR-1 auto-chef to capacity. I smiled at the memory and looked up. Wait, how did I get here? I looked blankly at the door to the forward battery. I'd taken to stopping by lately before hitting my rack, but I hadn't done so since Sidonis.

I actually hadn't talked to Garrus all day. If the downfall of my relationship with Kaidan had been a lack of communication - with a whole lot of other extenuating circumstances thrown in on top of it - I wasn't about to let the same damage my friendship with Garrus. Taking another bite, I switched my water to my other hand and pinged the admittance chime. I took the indistinct growl as an invitation and cycled the door open.

Again, I was greeted by a blue-clad back. The retractable cot was stretched out, though, retrofitted for a turian. Human cots were too short, among other adjustments that had to be made. I ignored the cot and shivered in the chilly air conditioning as the door cycled closed behind me. Before I could apologize for keeping him awake, he turned slightly to look at me out of the corner of his eye. "You went out without backup again."

I rolled my eyes. _Well, at least he's not going to still yell at me about Sidonis._ I shoved the last bite of my sandwich in my mouth and chased it with water so I could speak. "If you can explain to me how you wouldn't have stood out like a sore thumb in a humans-only party, I'm all ears."

He turned. "What, a rich human heiress - or whatever your cover was - couldn't hire a body guard?"

I shook my head. "No weapons. Remember? That's why the god-awful Saren statue?" I shrugged. "Besides, all the other body guards had to stand outside with the shuttles. They weren't allowed at the party. And they were human, too."

"We could have thought of something, Shepard."

"But we didn't. And it all worked out."

He leaned against the console and crossed his arms, his cheekplates flared outward for a moment then settled back against his jaw. "Probably because it wasn't your plan to begin with."

"Jackass."

"Pain in the ass." He gave me what passed as a turian grin and I smiled back. It was good to have my friend back. I shivered and he frowned at me. "What's wrong?"

"It's fucking cold in here Garrus. And this dress isn't that warm."

EDI's blue globe popped up in the corner. "I can adjust the ambient temperature for you, Commander, but I'd advise against it. Some areas of the ship, such as the forward battery and engineering, need to stay cooler than others."

I sighed. "I'm aware of that EDI. That's why I'm not asking. Thanks for the offer, though."

The blue globe blinked out with a, "Logging you off, Shepard." It was yet another reminder that my ship wasn't my own and anything I said could and would be used against me.

He gestured with his three-fingered hand toward his cot. "I'm just finishing up some calculations before I quit for the night. This firing solution isn't quite working out as easily as I'd hoped. It might be a while. You can sit down, if you want."

I kicked off my heels and sat, tucking my legs up under me and leaned against the wall. I was still cold. Shivering, I pulled his thermal blanket around me, enveloping myself in his now-familiar scent. "Is this what you do all day? Play with the guns?"

"And watch your six." His fingers flew over the console as he typed in something. Equations, I guess.

"Do you ever get tired of fighting, Garrus?" His hands stilled and he turned slowly to look at me.

"I'm not sure what you mean, Shepard."

"Running from one battle and into another. Saving, rescuing, killing." Fatigue overwhelmed me and I bit back a yawn. Not just from the fight earlier in the day, the overall exhaustion of the constant battles we'd been in since my resurrection. I leaned my head against the wall, not caring that I was knocking the bun loose. I yanked the pins out and held them in my hand, letting my head flop back against the metal and my hair uncurl around my shoulders. "I'd just like there to be a day. Or, God help me, a week, where we're not fighting for our lives and the lives of everyone else in the galaxy or rushing to get into another fight."

When he finally spoke, his voice was low. Sad. "I sometimes forget there's been no downtime for you. That there hasn't been a two-year break in choosing your own battles instead of ones thrown at you."

I looked up at him. I considered throwing one of his cushions at him, but it seemed like too much effort. "Don't fucking pity me, Garrus."

"Who's pitying? You need a vacation, Shepard. Hell, for that matter, I probably do, too." He cleared his throat. "What brought that on all of a sudden?"

Suddenly, the idea of talking about Kaidan to Garrus was horrifying. I wasn't sure why, after all, they had been friends. Maybe not close, but they were friends. Kaidan's actions on Horizon had hurt Garrus almost as much as they hurt me. Though I doubted Garrus felt like he had a gaping hole in his chest. It also wasn't just because they were friends, I reminded myself, thinking of the ever-present AI and all the listening devices. I stood up and handed him his blanket. "No reason. Here, I'm probably just tired. I'm going to get some sleep before we hit those smugglers tomorrow."

His expression puzzled, he took the blanket from me. "Uh, all right, Shepard. I'll see you in the morning."

I picked up my shoes and slid my hairpins into one of the toes. "You know what? No... I can't do this. I promised myself I wouldn't. I was... Kasumi and her situation made me think about Kaidan. We could have used his help here, Garrus."

He turned around fully and leaned against his console, crossing his arms over his chest. "You're right. We could have used his help. But, you've always tried to protect him. Would you honestly risk his life on this mission, knowing it's a one-way ticket?" I opened my mouth to protest the "one-way ticket" thing, but he held up his hand and continued. "I know you say you refuse to believe it's going to be a suicide mission, but you know our odds aren't good."

I looked down at my bare toes. "Garrus... I want you to know something. If it would save Earth, I'd fly the [i]Normandy[/i] into the nearest star tomorrow and us along with it." I looked up at him, through the hair that had fallen into my face. "I can't protect anyone anymore. Not with what's coming. Kaidan chose to walk away. You chose to stand with me. I can't tell you how glad I am to have you here."

I stepped closer and tilted my head up to look into his eyes. "But I'm done protecting people who don't need it."

He stood looking at me a moment. His hand started to move to touch my hair but then he seemed to think better of it and it fell back to his side. "Good. You helped me with clearing my head. I wanted to make sure yours was clear, too. You can't go into a fight like this with regrets. You'll miss something."

I smirked. "Prepared for a lot of suicide missions have you?"

His cheekplates flipped out in his grin. "Only when I'm following you around, Shepard."

I laughed and turned to go, my shoes still in my hand. There was no way in hell I was getting my feet back into those torture devices. "Good night, Garrus."

"Good night, Shepard."


	24. Chapter 24

_A/N: My longest running fic and it's still being updated, though the end is in sight. As always, I'm just borrowing Bioware's toys, though I hope I'm giving them back in better condition than when I borrowed them. _

**Captain's Personal Log: Doppelganger**

Of course, Garrus objected again to my going out solo.

"I'm not going to be alone, you ass. You're going to be on a nice comfy sniper perch with a good clean view of all the windows. And Samara will be right outside the apartment."

I could tell he was visibly restraining himself from making an exasperated sound. "And what if, when it finally comes down to it, she chooses her daughter over you? Stranger things have happened."

I rolled my eyes. "Garrus, she's been hunting her daughter for four centuries and became a warrior monk to track her. I think her resolve is pretty set."

"Just... watch your back, Shepard."

"That's why I'm bringing you along."

* * *

I put on the short leather dress Kasumi had given me and the heels that went with it. Feet used to combat boots should never be shoved into high heels. I left my long hair down at Samara's suggestion. I tried not to let discomfort show when more than a few sets of eyes followed me on my entrance. _Looking is not going to hurt you, moron, _I told myself. The club had been smoky and smelly. The stench of illegal substances, the scent of fear, arousal, predation and decadence. I moved through the smoky atmosphere of the club, alert, watchful. It was scary how fast I could fall back into that walk. The walk that I'd learned to adopt while I was in the gang. It was loose at the hips and balanced forward on the balls of my feet. I'd picked it up watching the prostitutes in the gang and used it to disarm anyone I'd been sent to kill. After all, it matched my looks, not my profession. I felt eyes on me, watching me. Human, asari, even a few turian. I wanted a shower.

But then, Morinth found me. I clung to the gun bunny attitude as if it were armor and I walked past her predator's gaze, resisting the near instinct level to _remove the threat, remove it now! _She lounged on one of the heavily cushioned sofas, surveying the club like a spider watches her web. She approached me with the certainty that I couldn't refuse. And I didn't. After all, bait never refuses the trap.

Her apartment smelled like sandalwood and lavender. I suppose it was an attempt at relaxing whoever she dragged back to her lair. Both scents had the opposite effect on me. Sandalwood reminded me of the scent my father used to spray around the house to hide the stench of the red sand he had stashed. Lavender reminded me of the shrink's office I'd spent too much time in after Akuze. While Morinth fussed around "getting more comfortable," I wandered the open floor plan looking at her trophies. Because that's what they were. I shivered. I remembered the Consort. She'd been gentle, diffident. Liara had held only the promise of what could happen. I doubted Morinth would be either.

After getting "comfortable" in what looked liked the same dominatrix gear she'd had on at the club, she sat down on her expensive leather couch and patted the seat next to her. I arched an eyebrow at her imperiousness, but figured it was time to get this thing over with. Hopefully, both Garrus and Samara were in position. I resisted the urge to wipe my damp palms on my leather dress.

I met the asari's eyes, eyes as blank as the void. The void that still, even now, called to me. I felt the hard couch's cool leather warm up beneath my rear end. Her S&M leather fetish gear gleaming in the dim lighting, she draped her legs over me in an attempt to be sexy, but I recognized it as a subtle form of restraint. My skin felt slick with my cold sweat, my dog tags icy where they were tucked into my bodice. I felt my heart pound in my ears, my blood rushing to meet her challenge. All I saw were the black eyes of infinity as I felt like the top of my head lifted off and everything I was was being pulled into the Ardat-Yakshi. A siren song of oblivion, calling my name. I felt a tug on my mind. Aggressive, hungry where Liara and Shiala had been gentle and respectful.

The thought of Liara brought me back to the hunt for Saren. Flashes of the fight with him on Virmire: _a strong, leathery hand gripping my throat, booted, clawed feet splashing in the water, a klaxon sounding. My fist connecting to the tough metallic hide on the disbarred Spectre's face and he dropped me on my ass. Another turian face, with blue markings, kind silver-blue eyes, helping me to my feet one handed, shooting at the fleeing ex-Spectre with the other. _

_A helmet removed, the same turian face, exhausted. Three-fingered hands trembling with fatigue._

_Kind brown eyes, angry words on Horizon, betrayal, treason… loved…. Blackness called, no pain. No care. No fighting. Rest. Nothingness. _I felt myself slipping. Sliding into her, joining her. She gasped, breathing deeply, her face lifted to upward in an unholy benediction that was still beautiful and terrible. I slid further.

_No! Must fight! The turian, scared now, his silver-blue eyes cold, glaring at the person he thought was his friend as the human man, the man I thought I loved, walked away from me. _Morinth's eyes filled my vision again, pulling on me. _Oblivion, rest... no more fighting. I can lay down my weapon for good. I don't have to save the galaxy again._

Memories shoved back. _Cheekplates flaring as the gentle eyes looked down at me, angry. Angry on my behalf. "He had no right to talk to you like that." _

_Strong, clawed hands carding through my long hair, electric shocks down my spine, rumbling voice, tightening low in my abdomen. He wasn't human, how could he even make me feel this way? _

"Look into my eyes, and tell me you want me. Tell me you'll kill for me. Anything I want." The voice was hypnotic, wrong. It wasn't the voice I wanted to hear. The five-fingered hands, effeminate, slender, petting my hair like she owned me. Fingers tangling in my curls. So different from the last person to touch me like that. But her eyes, they offered peace. _Peace in nothing-ness. Peace in oblivion. No pain, there. No struggle. A sigh. A burden lifted. She'd fight. She'd do it for me._

_"I'll be here if you need me." The bass rumble as if two voices merged into one. Silver-green-blue eyes staring into mine. Rocket impact, no! Can't lose him!_

_Garrus!_

_A little girl stared into a mirror, the sharp slash of scissors cutting golden locks close to the scalp. "I am better than this. No one will fight for me. I fight for myself." _

_A rag doll, forgotten, muddy, the warm cardamom scent of the colony heavy in the air. No children. Where are the children? Who will fight for them? _

_A utilitarian apartment, metal and plastic. What the government gave, the sulphur stench of Red Sand and sandalwood. Blood streak down the metal cabinets to where his head lay on the slick tile floor, sightless blue eyes staring at me, blood pooling around his yellow hair. Throw the scissors at him as I walk by, cold air on my scalp. I will fight. _

_Fuck oblivion._

I blinked, the apartment with its petty luxuries coming back into focus. I inhaled deeply as if I'd been holding my breath for an hour underwater. I met the asari's void-deep eyes, and said, "Don't count on it."

Her fear was immediate, palpable. Eyes widened as terror infused her as she powered up her biotic field and then her mother rushed in. I stepped aside as mother confronted daughter, feeling ill at their hatred for one another. Or rather, Morinth's hatred for Samara and Samara's icy resignation to the fact that her murderous daughter had to die. The addict demanded my assistance. But there was no way I was going to grant it. I'd had too much experience with addicts in the past. They weren't to be trusted.

I chose the mother over the daughter. Theirs had been a conflict to last centuries, and I was merely the means by which it ended. Morinth had been an unconscionable murderer, slaying talented men and women before their prime, a parasite. I glanced at her corpse, however, and felt a shiver of sympathy. All she'd wanted was to live. _It was all I wanted, too_. _Blue blood, three fingered hands clutching a rifle._Having been liberated recently from that dark night, I understood - though the void still had its seductions, I denied its call.

I waited while Samara collected herself. Her proud back bent in grief over her daughter. _What would that be like_, I wondered. _To love someone like that? But to know it was doomed?_I sat next to her and merely tried to simply wait out her silent grief with her, until her head came back up and her shoulders went back and her spine straightened. "We'll give her a funeral," I told the Justicar. "No one deserves to be an unmourned corpse on a shithole like Omega."

She looked wordlessly at her daughter's body and nodded once. "Thank you, Shepard."

"I'll wait till our people get here. Go ahead back to the ship. She won't be alone. I promise." The proud woman nodded once more and walked out of her daughter's apartment.

Garrus joined me in the apartment after she left. He walked over to stand behind me where I stood looking out the window onto the slums of Omega.

He waited quietly behind me. I turned around and we stared at each other, his mandibles working as if he wanted to say something. Instead, all he did was pull me into a hug made awkward by the wide cowl of his new armor. I lay my head on his shoulder, one arm around his waist. I brought the other up to touch his scarred side, feeling bandages and cybernetics under my fingertips, moving until I found _him_. One of his hands rested in the small of my back, the other stroked my hair as if to reclaim it from Morinth's unwanted attentions.

After a moment, I leaned back to look at him, putting the hand that wasn't on his face on his shoulder. "That was a lot closer than I'd have liked," I admitted.

I felt his hand spasm on my lower back, "Don't tell me that. Just lie to me for once and tell me a mission went off without a hitch, would you?" he requested. The hand on my hair slid down to join the other.

I barked a laugh. "Is that what you really want?"

He didn't laugh, he looked away in the direction of the corpse on the floor, "How close was it?"

Should I tell him? Tell him it was him that got me through? That allowed me to fight? That helped me push back? I pulled his face back to me. "You helped me."

His eyes widened and his mandibles flared in disbelief. "Somehow, I doubt that."

He really wasn't going to make it easy, was he? I finally noticed how he was holding me against him, my pelvis flush against his armored one and my torso following the curve of his chest. I felt the small circles his fingers were absently tracing on my back and realized I actually wanted him to touch me. I wondered if Garrus was as clueless as he seemed. Standing here, looking up at him, I realized I'd been unconsciously flirting with him for quite some time. But I had no idea when I'd actually started. I pulled away from him. Now was not the time with a corpse cooling over in the corner. "I promise, you helped. Let's go home," I grinned and winked at him, "Archangel." A few crewmen in black utilities with the gold patch on their sleeves showed up in the doorway. I nodded at them and pointed their way to Samara's daughter.

He sighed, and followed me from the apartment, leaving our crewmen to their morbid job. "You are never going to let me live that down, are you?"

"Hell, no."

Back on the _Normandy_, I changed back into the Cerberus tunic and pants but left my hair down. It was a pain to put up when it was dry anyway. I needed a shower after Morinth - I could still smell sandalwood and lavender on my hair which didn't help my mood - but I wanted to check on Samara, first. _And avoid thinking about Garrus._

I was relieved, and a little disturbed, by how well Samara was dealing with the death of her daughter. Before I left though, she said, "Shepard?" I walked back around to kneel in front of her.

She was sitting in her meditative position, prepared to go back to it, but apparently had one last thing to tell me. "What's up, Samara?" I prompted the square-jawed asari.

"Garrus is a good man," her blue eyes were steady on me.

Puzzled, I said, "I know." _Oh, shit. I do not want to deal with this. Not yet._

"Good men are hard to find," the ancient being in front of me said.

This was from a member of a species that had no men. "And hard men are good to find. _What's your point_?" I let a little of frustration at her cryptic-ness into my voice.

"Just this. We are going in to near certain death, Shepard. Perhaps you should make sure things are settled between the two of you?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose, "Samara, Garrus and I are friends. And we're pretty good with that."

She allowed herself a small smile, "I've seen a lot of things in my long life, Shepard. Two people who were actually friends don't look at each other like you two do. He allowed you to resist Morinth, didn't he?"

I covered my face with my hand. "Yes."

"Good. I chose correctly then. If I hadn't asked you, I'd have had to ask Officer Vakarian," she stated calmly.

"Wait. Why?" I asked, sitting up straighter.

"An ardat-yakshi cannot entrap a mind that has another focus, it... aids a victim's willpower. Love or a deep friendship makes it almost impossible for her to entrap another. A mission or an obsession also works. I was trading on either your desire to see this mission through or your feelings for the turian to free you from her trap."

I stared at her. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

She looked at me as if I were slow, "Because in preparing you in that way, I would have failed you. You had to find the strength in yourself to resist her. Telling you to focus on something would have tipped your hand against her and she could work around it."

"Um, thank you for telling me, now, I guess."

"You're welcome, Shepard." Her eyes lit up with that eerie glow and the ball of energy she meditated upon sprang into being between her hands. I knew a dismissal when I saw one.

I stood outside the observation deck momentarily at a loss. There was nothing immediately blowing up. No one needed rescuing at this very second. And for once, no one was trying to kill me. I did, however, have a bottle of expensive brandy to deliver to Doc Chakwas. I shouldn't drink, at all. At least not more than the two drinks I normally allowed myself.

I came back down from my quarters, bottle in hand, and surprised Doc Chakwas. "I have a present for you, Doc!"

About an hour later, after our final toast ("To the people we care for!" "May we never take them for granted!"), I blinked blearily at the half-empty bottle of brandy as Karin stumbled away from her desk to "take a short nap. Really, just want to rest my eyes." I stood up and had to hold on to the back of my chair when the deck threatened to rush up to hit me in the face.

"Never take them for granted." _Right. Can't take him for granted. Last thing I want to do_. I stepped out of the medbay and glanced around. For once, I was glad Gardner was not in the kitchen and no one was in the mess. I could stumble, no... walk _very_carefully, to the main battery.

It didn't even occur to me I might wake him up till I opened the door to his blue armored back. He spun to look at me. "Shepard, need me for something?"

Disoriented, I leaned against the door as it cycled closed behind me. "Have you got a minute?" I made sure to enunciate.

His eyebrow ridges went up and he crossed his arms. "Sure. I was just killing time anyway. Trying to unwind a bit."

"Tightly wound." I giggled. I shook my head and immediately regretted it when the room spun. "Sorry." I carefully walked over to the crate and sat down.

He watched me, unable to keep the amusement out of his voice. "Whatever comes after us, I know you'll get the job done."

I blinked up at him. "Not gonna take you for granted. Couldn't do this without you."

He shrugged and leaned on his console. "Sure you could. Just not as stylishly."

I stood up a little too fast and grabbed the railing. "No. Not without you. Need you to walk into hell with me."

"Are you feeling all right, Shepard?"

I rubbed my forehead and sat back down. "Gotta get ready for Collectors. Blow off steam." _Why aren't the words coming out the way I want them to?_

"You certainly don't prepare for high-risk operations the way turians do."

"How - how do they prepare?"

The picture he painted of his time in the military sounded efficiently brutal. No wonder he'd been okay with us sparring. My eyes widened when he nonchalantly told me about this scout with whom he'd worked out stress once. In more ways than one. I shook my head again, attempting to clear it. I put my hand to my head. "I shouldn't have drank so much with Chakwas."

"So you are drunk." He sounded smug.

"Not completely. But I'm really not used to drinking any more." And I really hoped I could climb back out of the bottle after this, too. "And I only intended to have a couple. But we started toasting people we knew. Telling stories." I grinned, "None quite so interesting as relieving tension with a scout, though. Testing your reach and her flexibility?"

He laughed. "I'm not sure I'd want to know those stories about Dr. Chakwas."

"I wouldn't either." I laughed, feeling better. "Seriously, though... I didn't know you were in the habit of one-night stands."

He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. "Not a lot of time for dating when you're a cop or a vigilante."

I nodded. "I know the feeling. I just don't get to exercise that option much."

"Really? Why not?"

"I'm the commander, Garrus. And I've been rather infamous since Akuze. I generally scare the hell out of people."

He grinned, his cheekplates widening. "They've clearly not seen you shoot."

"Hey, not everyone likes to keep things at a distance."

"I didn't know you liked to get up close and personal with husks, Shepard. Something I should know?"

I laughed. "That's joke's reaching. Even for you." I stood up and stepped closer, grinning up at him.

"You're just not flexible enough to appreciate it."

I snorted. "That's not what you said the last time we sparred."

"I think you were hallucinating after my last punch."

"That wasn't a punch. That more like a swing and a miss."

He laughed and shook his head. "You cheated."

"I did not!"

"Yes, you did."

"Clearly, you're so stressed out, you're still hallucinating. You should talk to that commander of yours about letting you blow off some steam."

"I should, should I? What would she suggest as a release?"

"Well, like you said, there's more than one way to work off stress."

He leaned against his console again. "And what would that be?" He laughed. "I didn't think you'd want to spar in your current condition."

And before I could stop myself, the words tumbled out of my mouth. "What if skipped right to that tie-breaker? We could, uh, test your reach... and my flexibility." I resisted the urge to slap my hand over my mouth. My heart pounded in my chest. I crossed my arms and leaned back on one leg to hide the fact that I was terrified of his response. I honestly didn't know what I wanted him to answer, though.

He froze for a minute, then blinked at me. "I didn't know you had a weakness for men with scars." He shrugged. "Well, why the hell not? There's nobody in this galaxy I respect more than you."

"That's hardly a ringing endorsement, Garrus." The adrenaline from the sheer terror that just flooded my system cleared out most of the alcohol induced fog. _What had I done?_

The turian smiled again. "As long as you're sure this isn't the alcohol talking."

I stared at him for a minute. The way I kept thinking of his hands in my hair. The way I kept trying to touch him. Yeah, _this was Garrus_, but clearly, some part of me had already taken this step a long time ago. "I'm sure." I swallowed around the lump in my chest. "I'm absolutely certain."

He nodded, then, his eyes steady on mine and I cursed my inability to read his more subtle expressions. _What the hell was he thinking?__Was he just humoring me?_"If we can figure out a way to make it work, then yeah, definitely."

I held his eyes as I walked past and reached up to cup the bandaged side of his face, gently. His hand rose to cup mine, briefly, and his uninjured cheekplate fluttered at me as if he wanted to say something more. When he didn't, I pulled my hand away and turned and walked out of the main battery as fast as my shaking legs would carry me.


	25. Chapter 25

**Captain's Personal Log: Crescent Nebula, Tasale System, Ilium: Mourning and Solace**  
_A/N: Special Thanks to Premier Bromanov of TCR for help with Samara._

I remembered the sky growing up. Whited out by the lights, blanked by pollution, but knowing, because the extranet told me so, that there were wonders beyond belief up there beyond the man-made towers, beyond the sun that shone like a white-hot disk in the endless blue sky. And here I stood in a ship suspended in that great nothingness, surrounded by the wonders of asari, krogan, drell, quarian, turian life, and for the moment, I wanted to tell that little girl to persevere, that she would see beyond the sky one day.

_And then die there,_a little voice oh, so helpfully reminded me. I stepped on its neck and threw it in a mental closet. I looked up at the permanently glowing sunset sky of Illium, the nearest asari colony. I'd offered to take Morinth's body back to Thessia or the monastery at Lesuss, but Samara wouldn't hear of us going so far out of our way. And since even funeral arrangements on this planet were exorbitantly expensive, I'd dipped into our meagre budget to buy the silken shroud and the ornate, gold funeral mask. She'd stared at the delicate filigree on the mask, her long fingers tracing one of the designs. "Shepard, this is too much."

I shrugged. "It is asari tradition, though, isn't it? I had a friend find it for me." Liara had been very helpful in making the arrangements. She'd also footed most of the bill claiming it was a privilege to assist a Justicar. As a result, the funeral services were even grander than I'd have been able to arrange. "It's supposed to fool the spirits, right?"

She smiled, sadly. "That is the purpose of the masks, yes. At least originally. But after a while they were more about wealth and power and beauty. And now... now, they're a reflection of an asari's personality."

"Did I pick the right one?" I asked. I was a little afraid I'd chosen wrong. Samara had asked me to take care of all the details, but she should probably have picked out the mask herself. Liara had emailed me pictures of several and I picked the most hedonistic-looking one in my price range - not in Liara's - I wasn't going to take advantage of my friend's wealth. I'd hoped it fit what little I'd garnered of Morinth's personality.

"Yes. I appreciate you doing this. You did not have to."

"I know, Samara." I'd glanced away from the square-jawed matriarch. "Mothers - Mothers shouldn't outlive their children."

She'd looked at me then, compassion in her blue eyes. "I understand. Thank you, Shepard." I hadn't told her. I wondered if Tali had. I doubted it. Samara was practically a mind-reader at times.

Not even my formal uniform was warm enough to keep the wind off me. The Justicar had changed her armor to black. I don't know if it reflected mourning, or indicated a new commitment to our mission, but she was no less imposing in it. It was nearing sunset, a time when tradition demanded the pyre be lit, according to what I'd read on the extranet. "Samara, do you... have anything to say?" Garrus stood next to me, Tali on the other side of him. Thane and Mordin, surprisingly, stood to the other side of Samara. More for me, I think, than to comfort the stoic asari to my right. Though I think Mordin was here out of curiosity.

She looked down at me and blinked her cold blue eyes, "Yes, Shepard. I do. Thank you." Gracefully, she walked over to stand next to her daughter's body and stared down at the mask glinting in the dim sunlight. Her back rigid and straight, her arms hanging loosely at her sides. In her clear voice, she began, "Mirala, you were the bravest and the brightest of my daughters. I wanted so much for you to have everything. I would have given you everything.

"But the Goddess decreed otherwise. I am so sorry, my Mirala. I... hope that you find peace in the embrace of the Goddess." Squaring her shoulders, she took the torch from the attendant and lit the pyre. I suppose, back in the day, it had consisted of sticks and logs and something flammable. Modern technology had improved and the gas flames produced by the hidden jets around the body ignited almost instantaneously. I looked from flames licking around the shroud-wrapped body to Samara's stiff shoulders and shrugged. If that's all she had to say, I wasn't going to object and insist on more. We stood, watching, waiting for the fire to burn itself out. Samara would come back tomorrow and scatter the ashes as her tradition dictated. That, she wanted to do alone.

I turned to Samara. Being alone right now was probably the last thing the woman needed, but it would probably be what she chose; tomorrow was soon enough to face this by herself. "It's nearly time for dinner. Would you like to join us in the mess? I'm sure Gardner's cuisine is much better since I went grocery shopping for him."

The asari turned her gaze toward me, cold, but with a layer of pain underneath that I could almost see if I squinted. "Thank you, but I - I need to meditate for a time. Perhaps later." I nodded, unsurprised.

"Interesting." Mordin inhaled sharply as the asari retreated to the elevator that would take us to the landing pad and the shuttle back to the Normandy. "Grief is difficult for all species."

"This surprises you, Doctor?" I asked.

"Only in the similarities of expression." He followed the Justicar to the elevator, the rest of us right behind him. The shuttle was silent on the way back to the ship.

"Shepard," Tali ventured, her hand on my arm stopped me when we disembarked from the shuttle. "When you have a minute, I need to ask you something."

"Sure, Tali, come up to my office after dinner." I glanced at Garrus who was looking at Tali in concern. "Everything all right?"

"I'll tell you later." She pushed past us. "I'll be in Engineering." Garrus met my eyes. In that second I was glad we knew each other well. He followed the quarian. "Hey, Tali, wait up!"

I smiled and shook my head. "So, Thane, you hungry?" He'd had mine and Garrus' back quite often lately. Usually when we went against pirates. I quashed the sting of all those families I'd had to have evacuated when I'd only been able to disarm one missile. They hadn't been happy about losing their homes, but quit bitching when they realized I could have decided in the other direction. Course, I wasn't entirely sure why the Alliance had to evacuate them from their homes when the town could be rebuilt. But, I wasn't the one in charge.

The drell smiled. "Like all biotics at any given time, yes. Though I did want to thank you."

"Oh? What for?" I asked, moving to wait for the elevator to return from engineering.

"For helping me with Kolyat."

I met his big, dark eyes and nodded. "I - it was good to see a father try to right the wrongs he'd done. So many don't bother."

The drell bowed his head in acknowledgment of the truth. "I did not wish to be one of those. So, I thank you."

"Just don't mess it up, Thane. Be there for him. Live to see his children. Be a good grandfather." I stared at the doors, unwilling to look at him.

"Siha, did I offend?"

I relented and glanced him. He looked so concerned. _One of these days, I'm going to beat that nickname out of him._"No, Thane, you didn't. I'm - I'm proud of you for reaching out to your son while you still could. I - let's just say, a lot of children could use a dad as honorable as you."

"I'm guessing you did not have such a father?"

I laughed. "I didn't. You're a good father, Thane. You're at least trying."

"Thank you, Siha." We got into the elevator.

"Why do you call me that?"

"Siha?"

"Yes. Is it a title or something in your religion?"

He shrugged, gracefully, like he did most things. "You could say that."

I frowned. "Well, hopefully it's complimentary. It doesn't mean 'asshole', or 'bitch' or something."

He chuckled. "I assure you, Siha, it does not. It is quite complimentary."

"Then, thank you." We turned the corner to the mess. And stopped. I covered my mouth to keep from laughing. Jack was actually wearing a shirt. And sitting on top of the table and telling a story. Complete with, "No shit, there I was..." Hawthorne, Gabby and Ken were laughing as she gestured expansively. When I caught her grin, I had to smile back. She seemed to be far more relaxed than I'd seen her yet. Miranda was leaning on the counter, a mug in her hand, listening to the story, but trying not to seem like it since she kept her eyes on a datapad, but never touched it to change the display. Mordin was questioning Gardner about his recipes, and Kasumi sat at the mess table, leaning back in her chair, listening to Jack, a smile on her painted lips. Kelly beamed at me and gestured for us to join her on the other side of the table. Thane bowed in my direction and headed for my Yeoman. I had to admit, despite the fact that I'd had dinner with her to test her loyalty, Kelly hadn't been quite as vapid as I'd first decided she was. She'd been full of stories of growing up on Earth. And she'd had a lot happier childhood.

I walked over to stand next to my erstwhile XO. "Everything all right?"

She flashed me her perfect teeth in a small smile. "Everything's fine. I'm glad you're doing everything you can to build the crew, Shepard. It's necessary. They're really beginning to be a good team."

"Thanks." I nodded. "I think they're coming together, too. Slowly but surely." I took a deep breath. "Can I ask you a question?" Dread felt like a lead weight in my boots. I hated that I had to have this conversation, but it was necessary.

The statuesque woman shrugged and put the datapad down. "Sure, Shepard. You can even ask me in my office, if you like."

I looked at the small group gathering around Jack's increasingly animated story, and nodded again. "That's probably the best idea."

After the door closed behind us, I stood in front of her window, pushing myself to stare out into space. "What's wrong, Shepard?"

My hands clasped behind my back, I turned slightly to watch her face. "Can you think of a reason for the Illusive Man to want you dead?" I held myself still. Her reaction to this question would determine the rest of our working relationship. I had to know.

Her eyes widened and she turned pale beneath her makeup. "Why would you even ask that?"

I turned more fully to face her. "Because he has reason to want every single person on this ship dead. They're either a threat to him, to Cerberus, or to Humanity in general. You're the only sticking point. The only angle I can't see. So, Miranda. Are you a dupe, or a sacrificial lamb?" My stomach twisted, waiting on her response. She wasn't that good an actress that she could turn pale on cue, though. But would she think Ol' Blue Eyes' logic was sound?

She sat down heavily in her desk chair. "I - I hadn't thought of it that way."

I smiled humorlessly. "That's because you're not nearly as big a ruthless bitch as you think you are."

A short laugh escaped from her perfectly proportioned lips. "Apparently not. He wants Jacob dead?"

I shrugged. "I dunno if it's quite that active an intent, but he certainly wouldn't weep if Jacob ended up in a casket."

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I really hope you're wrong."

"Me, too."

"Do you plan to tell anyone?" I looked at her out of the corner of my eye. Did she know how bad that sounded? Apparently, because she continued. "I just think that it would be bad for morale. Some of your crew actually do have faith in Cerberus and the Illusive Man." I resisted the urge to pick at the "your crew" part of her statement.

I sighed. "I know. And that's the truly shitty part. That he'd throw them away just to get rid of me and a few other pains in his ass."

"And stop the Collectors, Shepard."

"Honestly, Miranda, at this point, I wonder if that would just be a happy coincidence for him."

Leaving Miranda as disturbed as I felt, I went below decks to see what had bothered my chief engineer so badly that she hadn't wanted to talk to me at the first opportunity. Since Gabby and Ken were in the mess listening to Jack, her area would be deserted except for us and Garrus.

I stepped off the elevator. "Your people are idiots!" Garrus' dual-toned voice nearly hit me in the gut. _What the hell happened now?_I rushed through the double doors to find him pacing in front of Tali who had a tight grip on her engineering console. His voice lower he continued as if he hadn't heard me come in. "If they actually think you're a traitor, they've already turned their back on you!"

The way he dropped his voice usually gave me the good kind of chills. This tone sent a warning note straight down my spine. "Traitor!" The word exploded out of my mouth before I could stop it. Garrus spun on his heel and Tali's head jerked up from where she was studying the deck plating. "Tali, what the hell is going on?"

Her shoulders slumped. The whole story tumbled out of her mouth about her father and defunct geth parts and treason to the quarian fleet. I felt my stomach twist as she told me everything. Garrus stopped pacing and came to stand beside me. Oddly, I felt a little more solid with him there, my stomach more stable. I filed that observation away for later. We both leaned on the railing, our arms touching, listening to our friend describe the hell she was in. I held up a hand and interrupted her. "Tali, there's no question about it. We'll find the fleet and get this taken care of. You are not a traitor. You don't have it in you. At all." I tried to put every last bit of my faith in her in my voice. It rather sucked to be declared a traitor. And delusional. And crazy. And easily-manipulated.

"I-" She took a deep breath. "Thank you, Shepard. I was prepared to try to book passage on the next available ship, but... I'm glad you'll be there to help me." She looked at Garrus. "Both of you."

Garrus glanced down at me and then over at Tali, "That's what friends are for, right? Helping each other through crap like this?"

She gave a sound suspiciously like a hiccup and nodded. "You're right. Thank you both."

Garrus ducked his head. "Don't look at me. I'm just here for moral support." I think he blushed.

Tali and I both chuckled. "Maybe you can yell at the Admiralty board for me."

He shook his head._ Did he shift so he was closer to me?_ I resisted the urge to lace my fingers with his. _Mustn't be obvious._"Nah, that's Shepard's job. Look, everyone's upstairs eating, you want to join us?"

She shook her head. "No, I've got some work to do and I wouldn't be very good company anyways. I'm too worried."

"I hate being the only dextro at dinner."

I couldn't really track her eyes, but I got the feeling she looked pointedly at where we were touching along the sides of our bodies. "Somehow I don't think that's actually a problem for you anymore."

To my surprise, he didn't actually move away. His neck was definitely turning blue, though. I nudged him with my elbow and grinned at Tali, nodding my head in her direction. "Feeling tense?"

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Heh, um. I'll -" I raised an eyebrow. "I, um. I'll save you a seat in the mess. I need to talk to you anyway." Tali laughed as he beat a hasty retreat out of engineering. I didn't laugh, just smiled bigger and shook my head. I wondered what he needed to talk to me about.

"It's good to see you smile, Shepard." I looked back at her and tilted my head. "You haven't done that a lot lately. Garrus said you hadn't really laughed since Horizon. I'm glad he made you smile." She sighed. "I understand why Kaidan did what he did. I'm no fan of Cerberus either, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt."

I felt the smile fall off my lips thinking about Kaidan and how much he still made my stomach hurt. "Sometimes, Tali, no matter how much two people care for one another, they just can't resolve their differences. If you couldn't bring yourself to join me, I'd have understood for the same reasons. If Garrus had gotten off at the first port after we patched him back up, I'd have understood. I'm in bed with the Devil to stop Hell from taking over the galaxy. Had you told me before I died that I'd do this, I'd have broken your jaw. But those _colonists_. Freedom's Progress scared me and Horizon really opened my eyes. And terrified the hell out of me. And not because of Kaidan. Those people were aware of what was happening to them, Tali."

"I know. Veetor said pretty much the same thing when we took him home. But to see that and to accuse you of being a part of it? I - well, I can only think Kaidan didn't know you very well."

I smiled, sadly. "I'm not sure either of us knew the other well."

She jerked her head in the direction Garrus had disappeared. "Just don't break this one's heart. And he'd better not break yours. I don't want to be in the middle of some messy extranet vid soap opera."

"Is that an order?" I laughed.

"You bet your ass, Shepard." She turned back to her console. "Now, go have dinner. I can hear your stomach growling from here. I'll grab something later. I promise."

I walked over and put my hand on her shoulder. She turned her head toward me. "You'd better. I can't have my chief engineer fainting from hunger."

"Is that an order?"

"You bet your ass."

I wandered back up to the crew deck and found Kasumi actually telling a story this time, and Jack actually paying attention. Thane met my eyes and smiled briefly at me before looking at the thief again. I didn't see Garrus at the table, so I headed for the main battery. He'd said he'd wanted to talk to me. I put my hands to my stomach, suddenly terrified he would turn me down. _Well, then, Shepard, you'll put your big girl panties on and remember he's your friend and an alien and a rejection of sex isn't the end of your friendship. Just means he couldn't figure it out, either_. Oddly, that didn't make me feel a whole lot better.  
I guess he heard me on the metal walkway because the door cycled open. He stood in front of his console, leaning against it, waiting on me. I nearly jumped at the sound of the door closing behind me. "Shepard, I -"

"Garrus, we -" We were apparently going to try to talk at the same time. We both laughed and I went to stand next to him.

He looked at me, waiting. "What if the Illusive Man gave me all the dossiers he did because he either wanted you and the others dead or saw you as a threat to humanity or to Cerberus itself." I cleared my throat. "You went after Cerberus a time or two on Omega, right?"

"Probably." I could see he was thinking. Analyzing variables, calculating strategies and tactics. "I don't really see how it matters, though. We don't intend to oblige him by dying anyway, right?"

"Good point. Just thought I'd let you know what I was thinking." He nodded. "We were going to have dinner?"

He glanced away. "I, um, couldn't eat. Not after that. And I've been thinking about our conversation. Blowing off steam, easing tension. I've.. never considered cross-species intercourse." He paused and shook his head. "And damn. Saying it that way doesn't help, now I feel all dirty and clinical."

I crossed my arms and raised one eyebrow. "You're making me feel like a cat in heat." _And now we get to what was really bothering him. _I tried not to brace myself for the rejection.

He blinked. "I don't even know what that means. But I gather it's not good. And that's not what I wanted to do." He sighed and started pacing. "Are we crazy to be thinking about this? Look, Shepard, Meghan... I know you can find something a little closer to home. I mean... what about you and... Kaidan? Unless you just want a one-time thing?"

My stomach twisted. I resisted the urge to punch a bulkhead. "I'm pretty sure he dumped me on Horizon, Garrus. Even if he didn't, I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me. Who I can't trust. I don't want someone closer to home. I want you."

His cheekplates flicked out then pressed back against his jawline. "I - You're sure?"

I stared at him. Did he not trust me after all? Trust that I knew my own heart, or what I wanted? Or was this Omega backing up on him, making him doubt himself? I pointed to the crate in the corner. "Sit." He looked from me to the crate, shrugged one shoulder and sat. He put his hands on his thighs and looked at me with one eyebrow ridge raised, challenging me.

I walked over and put his hands on my hips, watching his face, carefully. He looked at his hands, his cheekplates fluttering uncertainly, and looked up at my face. "This would be easier without your armor." I told him, straddling his hips and sitting on his lap, facing him.

I felt his gloved hands twitch against my hips. "I'd be cold in here without my armor. What are you doing, Shepard?"

"Making a point." I put my hands on either side of his face and pressed my lips to his. They were firmer than human lips, but not as hard as they looked. He froze, but then I felt his hands slide up my back, holding me closer. I touched my tongue against his lips and it was hard to tell through the armor, but I think he shivered. I leaned back to look at him. "How was that?"

He gave me the turian version of a grin. "That was a kiss?"

"Yes." I looked at him sidelong, waiting.

"I don't know, Commander. I may need another test. For science, of course."

I grinned back. "Of course." He tightened his arms around me and I touched my lips to his again. I jerked a little in surprise when I felt his rough tongue against my mouth. But I smiled a little and touched mine to his. I shivered at the shock that ricocheted throughout my system. I'd never felt anything like this before. I had to avoid his teeth, true, but he was gentle and helped keep them away from my tongue. He tasted vaguely sweet, but dry. He pulled me closer and I ended up on my knees on the crate, his hands supporting my ass, all to get around the cowl of his armor.

I finally pulled back, needing air and feeling my thighs objecting to the awkward position. I tried to ignore the fact that I was trembling from more than muscle fatigue. "So, did you get enough data?" I think his neck had turned faintly blue.

"Spirits! Shepard is all human kissing like this?"

I grinned and sat back down on his lap. I didn't comment on the fact that he hadn't moved his hands from my ass. "Usually. Lips are one of the most sensitive places on our bodies."

He looked puzzled at that. "Really? What else -?" He caught my steady look. "Oh." The grin was back.

"Feel better now?"

"Yes. Much. I'll um, find some music. Do some research to figure out how this should work."

I shrugged. "I'm sure we'll figure it out, Garrus. I think we just demonstrated that."

He laughed. "It'll either be a night to treasure, or a horrible, interspecies awkwardness thing."

I cupped the side of his face without the bandage. I didn't want to hurt him. "As long as we're still friends, no matter how it turns out."

He nodded. "Of course. And, if it goes terribly wrong, fighting the collectors will be a welcome distraction. A win either way." I had to laugh.

I rested my hands on his shoulders and everywhere but at his face. "You know, Garrus, if you're not comfortable with this, it's okay. I'm not trying to pressure you." Considering his hands hadn't moved from my ass, I didn't figure I was pressuring him in any way he didn't like, but I wanted to be sure.

He lifted my chin and gave me a frank look from under his eyebrow ridges. "Shepard, you're about the only friend I've got left in this whole screwed up galaxy." His hands moved up to my waist, almost tentatively. _Was that an erogenous zone for turians or something?_ I wanted him to keep them on my ass. "I'm not going to pretend I have a fetish for humans." One of his hands reached up and twined a lock of hair that had escaped around his fingers. And I could have sworn his eyes went to my breasts. _Yeah. Right._"But this isn't about that. This is about us." That hand still on my waist moved to my lower back. He kept twisting the lock of hair around his fingers, not pulling, just threading it through, gently. "You don't ever have to worry about making me uncomfortable. Nervous, yes... but never uncomfortable."

"I make you nervous?"

"Constantly." He sounded almost absent as he watched the curl curve around his fingers. I smiled and pulled the hairpins out and put them on EDI's shelf. My hair fell down halfway to my back.

"On the battlefield, or in here?" He yanked his glove off.

"Both." He trailed his fingers through the ends of my hair. This somehow now seemed more intimate than kissing him had. I fought hard to repress a shiver. He tilted his head up to meet my eyes.

"When should I book the room?" I asked.

"Now?" He let out a breath and stopped playing with my hair. He dropped his hands back to my hips and held my gaze. "Actually, I'd wait. If you're okay with it. Disrupt the crew as little as possible. And take that last chance to find the calm just before the storm."

"You really want to wait?" I asked, raising up to press my lips against his again.

"My professionalism says yes. The rest of me is telling me I'm crazy." He shrugged. "But, you know me. I always like to savor that last shot before popping the heat sink." I pressed my lips together to keep from giggling again. His eyes widened. "Wait. That metaphor went somewhere horrible."

I collapsed against his cowl and laughed helplessly. "Nah, that wasn't horrible. I needed a good laugh." The situation with Tali hung unspoken between us. I gave him another quick kiss and climbed off him. "You going to come to dinner?"

He glanced at his console then at me. "Might as well." His voice turned wry. "I'm in a great place to optimize firing algorithms right now."


	26. Chapter 26

**Captain's Personal Log: ** **Vallhallan Threshold, Raheel-Leyya: Treason**

"Sorry we're late." Tali's tone of voice summed up both our irritation.

I glanced back at Garrus, but his opaque faceplate was indecipherable, though I knew he was as fed up as we were. "You didn't waste much time declaring us dead." I snapped at the admirals. "Go get your ship."

They exchanged glances and the obnoxious Han'Gerrel replied, "We.. apologize, Shepard. Your success in taking back the Alarei is... unexpected."

On a private channel in my ear, Garrus' voice interrupted. "What are we, amateurs?" I was glad for the faceplate that hid my smirk of agreement.

"But... also very welcome." Tali's aunt was at least less obnoxious, though I was still pissed at her for playing my friend's grief for an audience.

"Did you find anything on the Alarei that could clarify what happened there?" The eagerness in Han'Gerrel's voice was palpable. _What the hell was he looking for?_

I looked at Tali. The scared girl who'd tried to outsmart some of the more devious criminal minds in the galaxy was still in there somewhere, under the irritation and the intelligence. She was now one of my closest friends. I would not let this go sideways for her. I would not let these assholes railroad her as an excuse to go into a war they could not win. A war I couldn't afford to let them enter into. Hell, at this point, I'd recruit the geth if I could be sure they'd fight on our side and not the Reapers'.

She should be treated like the hero she was. Not a pariah. _Not like me_, that tiny voice whispered.

"Tali's achievements should be all the evidence you need! Come on, Tali, we're leaving." I turned to go and winked at her out of the corner of my eye. They attempted to protest and I got halfway to the stairs before the protests got louder.

I turned on my heel and glared at them. One of the admirals tried to speak, to excuse himself, and I shouted over him. "Wrong, Admiral! This trial is a sham! You have no interest in Tali or her supposed crimes, do you? This trial isn't about her. It's about the geth." Another outburst I ignored. "_You_ want people to sympathize with them." I jabbed my finger in Koris' general direction. "Han'Gerrel wants all the messy experiments covered up so he can throw the fleet at the geth! Throw your people's lives away all you want, but leave my crew out of your political bullshit! _None _of you care about Tali! Hell, I'd say none of you cared about the _Alarei_ or Rael'Zorah!" I chopped the air with my hand, underscoring my words. A ripple of concerned voices spread through the crowd behind me which I ignored.

"Tali'Zorah vas Normandy knows more about the geth than any other quarian alive! You should be _listening _to her, not putting her on trial!" Now why did that sound familiar? "We have _no_ new evidence and frankly we don't need any! You can accept Tali's word, or you can exile the woman who saved the Citadel from the _geth!_" Suddenly, I felt like I wasn't arguing for just Tali any more. I was arguing on my own behalf. The words I'd wanted to shout at the Council when they'd dismissed me. The arguments I'd wanted to make to the Alliance while they ignored me. The speech I'd wanted to give Kaidan but instead fumbled over my words in an effort to protect him. Apparently, Jacob's recounting of my post-death treatment had, in fact, been bothering me more than I'd wanted to admit. "She showed the galaxy the_ true _value of the quarian people!" As someone said I'd shown of humanity. "I can't think of stronger 'evidence' than that!"

There was dead silence for a moment. Shala'Raan's voice finally broke it. "Are the Admirals prepared to render judgement?" One by one, their 'tools flared open and they typed something into the interface. There was a pause as Raan waited for the votes to arrive at her own omni-tool. I could almost hear the note of relief in her voice when she declared Tali exonerated of all charges.

Garrus' voice almost distracted me, though. "I have to say, Shepard, that was quite a rousing performance." I pressed my lips together to keep from shivering. He had to say it in those low, rumbling tones, too. _Asshole. _

I wrapped my anger back around me, ignoring the shiver. "With all due respect, Admiral," Ashley's voice echoed from my memory, _kiss my ass_, "I didn't represent one of _your_ people, I represented one of _mine_."

Garrus walked down to join us as we waited for their kangaroo court to dismiss. I still wanted to punch one of the Admirals, I didn't care which - though I think I would have preferred Xan with her twisted idea of science - until one of their faceplates shattered. We started walking toward the shuttle area to go back to the _Normandy._ Tali interrupted my violent fantasy. "I can't believe you pulled that off. What you said... It's been awhile since anyone shouted down the Admiralty board. I think it was good for them. Thank you for being there for my father and me, even when... thank you."

"About what he said... what he did.. I understand that growing up, he was distant, but at least he'd cared. Don't forget that. He did love you. But, Tali, you deserved better."

"I got better, Shepard. I got you." I heard the smile in her voice.

"We could still get you exiled, if you want," Garrus drawled.

She laughed. "But I'm fine with things like this. It was fun watching you shout."

Garrus turned his visor toward me. "Yes, it was, wasn't it." I stared at him for a moment, my heartbeat speeding up. He couldn't possibly be trying to flirt right now. _Why the hell did his voice do that to me? I was going crazy. That's it... the stress._ _No, wait, don't think about stress! And tie-breakers and sonofabitch._

I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms. "Don't-" My rejoinder was interrupted as Tali caught sight of the bodies being brought back from the _Alarei _into the cargo area.

"Father!"

"Oh, no." I rushed after her, the sound of Garrus' boots not far behind me.

"Shepard, I -"

"It's all right. We'll stay as long as you need." Her grief seemed to hit her all over again and she collapsed to her knees beside the body. Her aunt approached and knelt down next to Tali, enfolding her in her arms. I guess she was the only close family Tali had left. I knelt down next to my friend and felt Garrus' hand on my shoulder. I glanced up and he nodded at me. I grasped the hand on my shoulder and put my other hand on Tali's back. She transferred herself to me and I suddenly had an armful of sobbing quarian.

We stayed for the services, of course. The period before the actual funeral (which Tali called by something the translator garbled even further) was the requisite five Rannoch days. I sent _The Normandy_ on a mission under Miranda's command to find resources in the surrounding systems. We were in desperate need of eezo for repairs and the quarians were going to let us have discovery rights for a percentage. Garrus and I hung out on the fleet. I did have an ulterior motive for staying, though, and not just to support Tali. I intended to talk the admirals out of their ill-advised attempt at war with the geth.

So, they allowed Garrus and I a sterile suite where we could actually climb out of our armor during the sleep cycle. I was beginning to hate wearing it. Living in close quarters with Garrus, however, proved it's own problem.

We hadn't kissed or touched once, since that time in the main battery. And quarian beds were not conducive to sharing. I guess they didn't do a lot of cuddling because of the suits. Still, five days in close quarters alone with Garrus? And I still wanted to touch him every five seconds.

Tali spent the time visiting her extended family on the _Rayya_ and on other ships amongst the fleet. Garrus and I spent the time trying to convince the other admirals not to plan for a war they couldn't win. It was in the evenings, when Garrus and I returned to the allotted quarters alone that I felt awkward. Around the second day, I sprawled on the chair in front of the desk which was two paces from the narrow bunks that hung on the wall and watched him clean his sniper rifle for 500th time. (OK, so that was an exaggeration.)

"You know, I hate waiting."

"Never would have guessed, Shepard. I've never known you to deal well with boredom." He still didn't look up from the rifle.

"Well, it would help pass the time if you would actually talk to me."

His hands stilled and he looked at me, his cheekplates fluttered slightly. "All right, what do you want to talk about?"

I grasped at straws. "Well, I really hope we can talk the Admirals out of their stupidity."

"I do, too. But I don't see it happening."

"You're right." I fell silent, not sure what else to say. He went back to cleaning the rifle. I resisted the urge to yank it out of his hands. I got up and paced the confines of the small cabin - the whole route took four paces. I had too much energy. There hadn't been anywhere to spar or work out. The quarians, despite our good will, weren't letting us near their marine country.

"Garrus -"

"Shepard -"

We both began, interrupting each other. I grinned and motioned for him to go ahead. He set the rifle aside. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Yes." He just looked at me. "Fine. I'm agitated. Antsy. I'm frustrated."

"The quarian Admirals are frustrating, I'll give you that much."

"And all I can think about is kissing you." I blurted out. His cheekplates fluttered outward in surprise. _Smooth Meghan, real smooth_.

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the floor. "I, uh - was it that bad?" I stared at him. _How could he -?_ Apparently, I stared at him too long since he looked up from the floor his eyes as wide as they could go. "Shep-?"

"Shut up, Garrus." I interrupted him. I crossed the room and climbed into his lap, pushing his upper body against the wall. I cupped his face in my hands, my thumbs tracing his cheekplates. "I liked it. I thought I made that clear."

His hands slid up my legs to rest on my hips. "I liked it, too."

"Good. I'd like to do more of it. Though going further is probably not a good idea at the moment." I circled his small nose with my own.

"Probably not." His voice dipped into that lower tone that made me want to throw caution to the wind and rip his clothes off. "We need to stay focused."

I nipped at one of his cheekplates with my lips. "No acting like horny teenagers." I whispered. "Got it." He pulled me tighter against him and pressed his mouth against mine. I wrapped my arms around him and let my fingers trace that sensitive spot under his fringe until he trembled against me.

The time alone in our cabin progressed a lot faster after that. We stopped avoiding touching and actually enjoyed the occasional teasing caress and passing light kiss in our tight quarters. But in the meetings with the Admirals, we were formal and all business. It was only when we passed the decon chamber of the guest quarters and helped each other off with our armor that we actually allowed ourselves to enjoy the time together that was just us. I got to show him a few of my favorite movies from growing up. He talked me into watching _Fleet and Flotilla_ and tried not to laugh when I teared up at the sappy parts. We laughed ourselves silly at the Blasto series and its ridiculous Spectre portrayals. We decided _Vraenia_ was better to wait on though; neither one of us were ready to progress to that level. We took full advantage of the time together we'd never really get on _The Normandy_.

Tali stayed away, more often than not. I don't know if it was to subtly give us privacy, or she just missed her people that much - or the funeral preparations took up that much time. We weren't really told much. But I hoped Garrus and I weren't that obvious that she wanted to avoid us, even if she already knew we'd begun to be more than friends. This was all insanely new to me, despite Hicks and Kaidan. Garrus had somehow become my best friend. With the promise of more, eventually. With Hicks, our friendship had grown out of the mutual attraction and raging hormones. With Kaidan, I wondered if we'd ever been friends at all, or just lovers. But then, Garrus would sit down next to me, pull my legs up over his lap and press the commands on his 'tool to start the next installment of the adventures of Blasto.

~*~

Quarian funerals involved a lot of hugging. I guess it had to do with the fact that they were such social and demonstrative people, being in constant close-quarters and always having to be somewhat exaggerated with their body language thanks to the nearly opaque masks. The admirals were fine with us visiting, but they wouldn't grant my crew leave to visit the flotilla. Apparently, Cerberus had made no friends here. What a surprise.

We stood arrayed around the airlock, Garrus and I behind Tali and the quarian leaders.. Tali, her purple scarf replaced by a blindingly bleached white length of fabric, stood next to her aunt, also wearing white and with the other admirals, draped in red. Rael'Zorah's other mourners - I guess after all, it was a state funeral - arranged themselves in neat rows behind us. Floating vid cameras jockeyed for position overhead, their bright spotlights all aiming for the mourning Admiral's daughter. Han'Gerrel led the memorial service. He stood in front of the closed casket, his hands folded together in front of him. "Blessed are the ancestors who kept us alive, sustained us and enabled us to reach this season. Blessed are those who fought for our people. Blessed are those who gave their lives so that we might continue. Rael'Zorah gave his life to protect the Flotilla and to bring us one step closer to returning to our home."

Everyone responded, "Kelah'Selai." Garrus and I were a beat behind, not being familiar with the ritual. But we stood for Tali. She needed us. Han'Gerrel motioned for her to come forward. It was her turn. She glanced back at us and I nodded at her, solemnly.

She stood up in front of the entire crowd. I saw her shoulders visibly draw back and her spine straighten. Her faceplate aimed itself at me and I knew she was focusing on me like a lifeline. She cleared her throat.

"From my first steps, father, you have cradled me.  
With your last breath, you watched over me.  
Your only desire was to give me a home;  
A home beyond ship hull and biodome.  
We drift among the stars, in our calculations we trust  
Only to stop when we must.  
Every journey must end  
I did not wish yours just yet,  
I will continue onward, around the bend.  
We will return to when we met."

It wasn't great poetry, but it was heartfelt and I swallowed around the lump in my throat. Tali had told me ahead of time that she'd be required to recite a poem. Preferably original. I suppose it made sense for a people as renowned for their music as the quarians to also revere poetry. But that's a hell of a difficult thing to require a grieving person. Though I suppose if it were required of everyone, you'd probably think about it a lot. She came back to stand beside me, her shoulders still back and her chin still up. I gave her hand a squeeze and went back to parade rest.

To my surprise, Han'Gerrel turned to me instead of continuing the ceremony and asked. "Do you have anything you'd like to say, Captain?" Tali hadn't even warned me it might be my duty as her captain to say anything.

I glanced at Tali. The dim glow of her eyes widened in surprise behind her mask. But she shrugged and nodded, once. _Uh, ok._ I stepped forward to the front of the crowd, hoping I wouldn't cause an intergalactic incident or be disrespectful in any way. I didn't want to give them a poem about struggle and fighting to press on, not when I'd been shouting "peace" at them for three days. I needed something calmer, that still expressed that Rael's journey was done, but everyone needed to keep going. "I... don't have a poem of my own prepared, but I'd like to share with you one of my favorite Earth poets, Robert Frost.

_Whose woods these are I think I know._  
_His house is in the village, though;_  
_He will not see me stopping here_  
_To watch his woods fill up with snow._

_My little horse must think it queer_  
_To stop without a farmhouse near_  
_Between the woods and frozen lake_  
_The darkest evening of the year._

_He gives his harness bells a shake_  
_To ask if there is some mistake._  
_The only other sounds the sweep_  
_Of easy wind and downy flake._

_The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,_  
_But I have promises to keep,_  
_And miles to go before I sleep,_  
_And miles to go before I sleep."_


	27. Chapter 27

**Captain's Personal Log: Rosetta Nebula, Alpha Draconis System, Aeia: Ghost of the Father**

I stared down the sights of my pistol at the man who'd caused all this suffering. _That woman was wrong. He doesn't really look like Jacob at all. _ I glanced out of the corner of my eye at my lieutenant and saw my own rage mirrored there. What the hell was the point, fighting this fight for scum like Acting-Captain Taylor? He was no better than the random mercs I'd had to shoot. Hell, he was even worse than the slavers I'd rid the galaxy of. No one trusted those slavers to keep them safe. I motioned for Garrus to keep a look out and holstered my sidearm. Jacob reluctantly followed my lead.

After the introductions, I let Jacob do the talking. How the hell did this slime of a man even advance to the point where he was a second in command? Especially of such a large ship? Maybe it was a good thing that Jacob's father had been away from him most of his life. There'd been no chance to corrupt his son.

I turned at Garrus' gesture to see some of the men creeping up on the "Acting-Captain's" fortification. I debated on standing aside to let them have him. But then, they'd probably attack us and we'd have to shoot them. Sonofabitch.

I'd known too many men like Taylor Senior, growing up. Assholes, the lot of them. More concerned with their own egos, their own fun, than anyone else's survival. Hell, at this point, I've met aliens that would have done the same thing this man did. And they were beginning to outweigh the normal, hard working people. And sinners damned sure outweighed the saints. All of us, what Kaidan called "Team Milky Way" a long time ago... did we really deserve saving? Was the galaxy better off without us?

We never learned. And the good ones lost, more often than not. Hell,_ I_ wasn't even one of the good ones. Though I took care of what was mine a hell of lot better than this man in front of me. But I wasn't one of the good ones. Jacob was one of the good ones. Despite his signing up with terrorists. It was one of the things about him that reminded me of Hicks. Enough to wonder if the Illusive Man put him on my ship so I'd be tempted by someone who resembled the man I'd wanted to grow old with that had been taken from me far too soon. Good thing Garrus had completely distracted me.

Jacob finally decided his father's fate and turned his back on him. The acting captain stood with his shoulders slumped, a defeated expression on his face. "Jacob, you're a good man, but your dad's a waste of air."

The lieutenant turned to look at his father. "He'd be a waste of ammo, too."

"Shepard," Garrus started, I turned to look at him. I held myself still, waiting for what he had to say. "I think these people need help, now. Rations. If you want, I'll watch the acting-captain and you and Mr. Taylor can get these people some help."

Cooler heads prevailed. In this case, the turian was right. But then, he'd probably seen his own share of assholes. And he'd gotten to kill them. Probably. "All right, Garrus. We'll see if we can get the crew of the _Gernsback _to peaceably assemble." I jerked my head for Jacob to follow and activated my comms. "EDI, this is Shepard. Send Mordin, Tali and Kasumi down with a month's worth of the emergency rations? And about a hundred rounds of tranqs."

"Acknowledged, Commander. They'll be at the landing site within the hour."

"Copy that. Shepard out." I jerked my head to the "hunters" still milling around, pacing like tigers in cages, glaring at us and at the Acting-_Captain._ "We need to go make nice or this'll go bad very fast."

Jacob holstered his shotgun. "Somehow, I don't think 'We come in peace' is going to cut it, Shepard."

I nodded. "This thing'll get ugly again before those tranqs get here. We need to convince them we're here to take them home."

"Uh-huhn. I'll let you do the talking." He shook his head. I had to admit, I had little faith in my half-assed plan, too. But it had to be done. I held up my hands, palms out and slowly approached.

"Hi. Look, I don't want to hurt you. I want to take you home."

One of them blinked at me, slowly as if he was processing my words. "Home? To the stars?"

I nodded.

Another one snarled at me. "Liar! You were talking to the Liar! You're with him! You don't want us to go to the stars!"

I looked at the face twisted with rage. "He is a liar, yes. But I am not. I landed here just a little while ago. You've been found. You will be rescued."

The angry man faltered, his expression un-twisting slightly. But it was only temporary. "No! Liar!" He took a swing at me and I ducked, he landed on his face. Before I could take another action, I found myself rushed by the group, fists aiming for my face and sides. Thanks to the armor, they didn't hurt me, and I was able to protect my face, but this couldn't keep up.

I fought back.

They tell you, in training, how to kill members of various species in as quick a way as possible. One, two, dead, down. I had to revert to my original civilian training when I was testing for the black belts and competing in the ring to remember how to take someone down without killing or maiming them. It also meant no biotics.

It gets tougher when they want to kill you, though.

I ducked a clawed hand headed for my eyes and grabbed the hand and its owner and threw the guy over my shoulder and out of his group. I hoped he stayed down for a while. Jacob blocked the next punch aimed at me and I shoved someone swinging at the back of his head. It was a short, ugly fight with neither me nor Jacob taking any damage, but the hunters were all down for the count. Either unconscious, or moaning and clutching various body parts the lieutenant or I had disabled. "Guess the flora and fauna here do more than ruin your IQ. That should have been tougher."

"Yeah, most of their punches held nothing behind them. Malnutrition in this day and age."

I sighed. "Well, keep an eye on them. I'm going to check on the women."

His expression softened into despair. "That son of a- All right, Shepard. It's probably better you check on them alone."

"Yeah, you apparently look too much like your dad."

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away. "Shepard, look... "

I waved a hand. "Don't worry about it. My opinion of you isn't going to be affected by my desire to bash your dad's face in. If we were all judged by our parents, well... " I shrugged. "You're an exemplary officer, Jacob. This doesn't change that."

He looked relieved, then went back to stoic-Jacob-mode, as I was coming to call it. "Thanks, Shepard. I'll watch out for the hunters." I nodded and headed back to the women's camp.

The women stood anxiously at the head of the trail, awaiting their fate. I watched them as I approached. They started at me, wide eyed. They looked beaten. Defeated. Even worse than when we'd headed up the hill. I don't know what they were afraid of. Maybe that I'd been sent to join them?

It'd take a tougher son of a bitch than "Acting-Captain" Taylor to turn me into this. Or maybe just years of extreme malnutrition. I hoped to never see anyone look that beaten ever again. I reached them and they clustered around me. Slender fingers touching my armor, tanned hands brushing my space-pale face. "Are you sent here, like us?" "You're not going to take us to the stars, are you." "He sent you here." "To be beaten. Like us."

"No!" They flinched back. I clenched my teeth and modulated my tone. "No. I told you we'll help you and we are. Your 'acting-Captain' has been placed under arrest." The women shared looks, worried, amazed, disbelieving.

The doctor who'd handed us the datapad earlier stepped forward. Of them all, she seemed to be the least affected. Taylor probably had her on rations longer than the rest before forcing her to ingest the toxic wildlife. Probably when she'd had enough of his excuses and his treatment of the crew. "C-commander. Are you - sure?"

"I promise. If there's anything you want to keep, get it now," I told them gently. Frankly, I couldn't imagine bringing back anything that would remind me of this place. But sometimes, people were weird. Most scattered, the rest stood around us indecisively. I looked at the doctor. "I heard some of the logs. Of what was allowed to happen here. How did no one end up pregnant?"

"I-im-implants, I think that's the word." She rubbed her forehead. "Yes. Implants. And after - they - ended... um... food made us not work right?" I guess it made sense. Malnutrition tended to stop certain functions and the reproductive cycle would be one of those functions. The doctor wandered off

I, too, wandered, but to the center of their encampment, looking at the shrine they'd built. What the hell was the point of this... sculpture? From the angle where I stood, it didn't look like anything recognizable. I walked around the base, looking upward. Jacob had postulated that this thing had been erected in forced adoration of his father. It might have been. But just like most oppressed populations throughout history, they'd subverted their orders. Yes, it was a humanoid figure. But it was reaching, beseechingly toward the stars. I shook my head. Why would he make them build this? And why would they bother with the subversion? Hell, how were they cognitively capable of it?

My comm clicked, interrupting my thoughts. "Shepard here."

"Shepard, it's me." Tali's voice came through loud and clear. "We're at the first bend. What... happened here?"

"It's a long story. Just follow the path. I hope Mordin brought medical supplies."

"He did, nearly his whole lab. We're on our way. Tali, out."

I stood and waited. Staring at that monstrosity of an improvised statue. Something about it bothered me, other than the obvious, of course. Was it the sheer longing in the upswept arms? The face raised to the sky? Or just the fact that they bothered to do this. This defiance.

I heard low muttered voices beginning to be raised in fear and I saw quick movement out of the corner of my eye. I walked around the statue to find Garrus pushing the Acting-Captain ahead of him, the man's arms held behind his back. Apparently, my turian friend had found cuffs somewhere, or, knowing Garrus, he'd brought them. The man was more prepared than a platoon of Boy Scouts. Jacob followed both. The women cowed away from Taylor. He wisely kept his face blank after first shooting a glare of smouldering rage at his father..

Watching the women shrink away from him, hiding their faces, averting their gazes, I felt disgust. I knew what eight years of abuse did to a person. Some it broke, some it just pissed off. But this... this was... I didn't know what this was. I met the acting-captain's eyes and let him see all my hatred for him, all my anger. He turned ashen and dropped his eyes to the ground. "Keep that son of a bitch out of my sight," I told Garrus.

His cheekplates flared outward then settled back against his face. His only indication of his surprise. "Understood, Shepard."

I stared at the idol again. Movement caught my eye and I met the doctor's eyes. Her chin was up and her shoulders were back. She might have been operating at a near-instinctive level, but she was uncowed. I had to appreciate that. The other women had my sympathy, but that doctor had my respect.

Garrus, Jacob and I returned to The Normandy for a while to make a report to the Illusive Man. Which didn't help my mood. He was another reason I was beginning to doubt this suicide mission. He didn't deserve me saving his ass either.

I needed to get my head on straight, though, or I was going to cost my crew their lives. Right now, I'd fight for them. The rest of the galaxy could go piss up a rope.

I was even too irritated to blink at Jacob's admission after that he and Miranda were ex-lovers. Well, that's not true, I did blink. It explained a lot about the tension between them. I'd thought it was just because Miranda was a Cerberus true believer and Jacob couldn't give two shits as long as he was able to get things done. But no, there was a history there. I filed it away for the future. If I'd ever need that information again that is.

If I cared.

It took two days for the nearest Cerberus transport to arrive. We spent the time doing our best to rehabilitate the stranded crew and keep them separate from the "acting-captain." Especially since I didn't want him anywhere near my ship. Between them, Mordin and Chakwas began to work on a treatment plan to attempt to reverse the damage done to the crew by the heavy metals in the plants and the animals on the surface. I kept a rotating crew on the ground to monitor Taylor and keep his former crew from killing him. I also kept Jack and Samara out of the rotation. I didn't want to trigger any bad memories for Jack and I didn't want to put Samara in a position where my orders conflicted with her code.

I decided I needed to talk to Jacob. If he'd talk to me. There was one thing he and I agreed on, shit should stay buried where it didn't stink up the place. But this was probably not the kind of thing you could stick in a closet and brick over till the smell went away. "I just want to talk for a bit," I told my lieutenant, leaning against the table behind him.

His shoulders tensed and he put down the pistol he'd probably gone over five times since I'd entered the armory. He didn't turn around, though. "I'm not big on forcing these talks, Shepard."

I glared at the back of his head. "I don't care. You and I know what happened down there, Jacob. And you've cleaned that pistol about a half dozen times since I've entered the room. So, clearly, something's bothering you."

He turned and leaned back, too, crossing his arms over his chest. "My father did what he did. I don't like it, I don't approve of it and I don't want to have anything more to do with him."

I shrugged. "Simple enough. I wouldn't be a good CO if I didn't make sure my officers were operating at a hundred percent, though. You sure you're ok?"

He frowned at me and tilted his head. I raised an eyebrow at him. He jerked his head toward the back of the armor and headed for the window overlooking the drive core. I nodded to myself. _Must be enough interference to keep the bugs from listening in there._ He leaned against the wall and looked at the pulsing blue of the core. "I don't talk about it, so, all I'm going to say is, I've spent my entire life trying to do the opposite of what my father did. This isn't going to be any different."

I smiled. "That, I understand." I leaned against the bulkhead opposite him and we stood silently for a while.

"All right, Shepard," he started, a smile playing about his own lips. "I want to know how you are doing? Seeing as it's my job as one of your officers to make sure you're all right."

I let out a short laugh. "Turn about's fair play, eh? All right." I rubbed the back of my neck and kept my eyes focused on the core. "I guess you figured out I woke up in a bad mood, huhn?"

"I think even Miranda figured that one out."

"It took me awhile to figure out why I should even bother with this bullshit. After all, I was dead. I was beyond caring." The image of the statue raising its arms defiantly into the sky flickered forward from my memory. "I've seen a lot of horrid things in the galaxy. Enough to make me wonder why the hell we should, any of us, be saved." His eyes widened and he moved as if he were going to straighten up in protest. I waved my hand at him. "But, there are the good things, too. The colonists who don't give up. The kids who run around, forgotten on the Citadel, even the women your father sought to dominate... This crew, our team... these are what I'm fighting for. I always wondered why I survived this long, the slums, Akuze, everything... I think I'm only beginning to figure it out."

He laughed. "Well, gives you a leg up on the rest of us, Shepard."

I shook my head again. "Let's hope it gives us a leg up on the Collectors."

"Don't start getting negative on me."

"It's just tough to keep fighting, Jacob. Sometimes, I don't know how to keep going. But I keep going because I don't know how to stop, either."

"Isn't that the key, Shepard? To keep going anyway?"

"One foot in front of the other? Does that work?"

"We're both still here, aren't we?"


	28. Chapter 28

**Captain's Personal Log: Ismar Frontier, Faia, Zorya:** **Revenge!**

I sighted down my gun at the old merc's scar-twisted face. He actually still had the balls to spit his anger and vitriol back at me, "I've survived this long watching my own back. No time to worry about anyone else!"

I really, really wanted to pull the trigger. But I needed this son of a bitch to make sure the rest of us came home in one piece. "No wonder all your stories end up with you being the last man standing! All you care about is your own damned skin, you selfish, egotistical bastard! Tell me, were you like this before Vido muscled you out of the Suns, or is this because he shot you in the head and left your ass for dead?"

I narrowed my eyes. I brought my other hand around to grip the pistol and stepped closer, as if to be sure not to miss. "Listen, you son of a bitch. You're part of a team now. MY team. There's no way we can survive what's coming if we don't work together!"

He looked away. I couldn't tell if he was actually considering letting me shoot him rather than giving up his 20 year fucking vendetta. How obsessed did you have to be for a bullet in the brain to look better than oh, I don't know, saving some civilians, _which you endangered in the first place_, and picking up where you left off a little later? Then he finally looked back up at me and nodded. "You... have a point. I'm not done with Vido, but I can put that behind me long enough to get your mission done." I looked at him for a minute judging whether I believed him or not. He'd taken too long to decide to convince me it was entirely genuine. Was he going to shoot me the second I took my sights off him? I heard the comforting scrape of Garrus' boot on the concrete behind me and knew it wouldn't matter. If the old bastard was going to betray me to get his revenge, he'd get a turian sniper's bullet between the eyes for his trouble.

Zaeed looked away from my steady gaze, uncomfortable. I holstered the pistol, then crouched to get a good grip on the steel girder that had fallen and pinned the old merc. I made a show of finally lifting the beam off his legs, making sure he had a chance to consider the enhanced strength Cerberus had given me. I was also just a little grateful for the extra boost the powered armor lent me. That beam was damned heavy. "Let's get the hell out of here."

Garrus fell in next to me from where he'd been covering us as I followed Zaeed through the ruins of the refinery. _We'd have to evac the engineers_, I thought to myself. _There's no way they can stay here._

"I'm surprised you didn't shoot him."

I ducked under a fallen girder. "I was tempted. Glad you had my back, though."

"Always. You're much better at resisting temptation than I am."

I grinned and looked him up and down. "Sometimes." 

Blue creeped up his neck and he coughed. "Not sure either of us are good at resisting_ that_."

I shook my head and broadened my grin. "I'll show you how futile resistance is later. In the meantime, find a way to send out a distress signal for this refinery."

"You got it, Shepard." Garrus peeled off to find access to the facilities computer systems.

Later, when we'd gotten back on the ship and sent down some emergency supplies for the stranded refinery workers, I joined Garrus in the armory. For absolutely professional reasons.

Right.

He didn't turn when he heard the door swish open, but he did hold up a hand to ask me to wait, so I perched on the crate in the corner, slouching. I indulged myself and watched him. I'd never actually thought of him as truly attractive, not till recently. But he stood there, his head bent over the console, focused intently on his work, his fingers flashing over the screen as quickly as he could type. I discovered I liked that focus. A tiny part of me wondered if he got that focused about everything. I shifted on the crate. _That's a thought for another time, Meg. Nonsense, _another part of me argued back. _When else are you going to get to just sit here and stare at your gunnery officer and mentally take his armor off?_

_You do have a point._

"Did you need something, Shepard?" Garrus asked, interrupting my thoughts when they were somewhere between wondering how the codpiece came off and trying to picture what was underneath. I felt my face heat.

I cleared my throat and straightened up. "I'm not... making you uncomfortable, am I?"

His cheekplates flared out and settled back in. "I thought I made that clear on the flotilla. There's no one else in this galaxy I respect more than you, Shepard." He narrowed his eyes at me and crossed his arms. "Are _you_ having doubts? About us?"

I shook my head. "No. Well... Just the uh... hows and wheres and what-goes-wheres."

He laughed and I had to grin back at him. "I'm a little worried about that, too. But I promised to do some research, didn't I?" He offered me his hand and put mine in his. Instead of just helping me to stand, though, he gently yanked me to him in a smooth motion I'd almost thought he'd practiced.

I raised an eyebrow, "Research?"

"Maybe," he ducked his head. I leaned mine against his, on the uninjured side, content to just stand there for the moment. "Weren't you going to show me how good at resisting temptation you were?" 

I pressed my lips to the side of his neck, behind his cheekplates, relishing the feel of suede-soft skin there. I think he actually shivered. I do know he tightened his arms around me. "No, I said I wasn't any good at resisting." I straightened up to meet his eyes. He met mine with that look I was learning turians seemed to share with human men. The one that said _want_. And _Mine_. And _please, now_, all at once. I had a feeling I was looking at him similarly. "See? I suck at resisting."

"I noticed. I'm not doing all that good at it either."

We stared at each other for a while. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the edge of his armor's cowl so he could straighten up and stop bending funny to help me reach his neck. I felt him press his nose and mouth into my hair. "This was a really bad idea," I told him.

"Which part?"

"To come down here and test myself." I bet his visor was giving him all sorts of useful information on my biological statistics. Like the fact that my heart was pounding so hard it wanted to come out of my chest. "I always have to do that, you know." I stepped back, away from him, out of the circle of his arms and tried not to shiver in the cold of the battery.

"I know." He leaned back against his panel and crossed his arms, again. "We've been friends for a while, Shepard. I know you pretty well."

"I think you know me better than anyone at this point, Garrus."

His cheekplates flared out in a smile. "You're probably right. And I think you know me better than anyone else does, too." He looked away, out over the battery. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

"Garrus, everything all right?"

"Yeah," his demeanor changed. He wasn't teasing anymore. He'd gone back to serious, almost closed off, if he could be that with me ever again, that is. He stood taller. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was fighting not to come to attention. I found myself mimicking his straight-backed posture and stopped leaning on the railing. "I got a prime example of a twenty year vendetta today, Shepard. Thanks. For... you know." He looked steadily at me and I knew the reason for the sudden formality. I suppressed a shudder, remembering the months after Akuze where all I'd wanted was to track down every single thresher maw and drown it in its own acid. Or the days after Ontarom where I'd have liked nothing better than to resurrect all those scientists who'd tortured Toombs and let them share in his fate. Sometimes, I still fantasized about a perfect round bullet hole between the Illusive Man's eyes. But, neither of us wanted to end up like Zaeed. Closed off. Alone. The sole survivor of every mission. Hardened and hardbitten, bitter and angry. Only looking out for our own skins, saving our own asses, not caring about anyone but ourselves.

"Hey, I keep you from ending like that, you do the same for me. It wouldn't take much for me to go there, either." He uncrossed his arms and I stepped closer to him, holding his gaze. "It was a long dark road back from Akuze, Garrus. You know that."

"I think it'd take a lot more than you think for you to end up like Zaeed, Shepard." His voice softened, dipping down into those dual toned lower registers that made me want to throw myself at him.

I shook my head. "Only losing every friend I have, Tali... Joker... Even Miranda and Jacob. Anderson. Everyone I could count on." I reached up to gently touch the bandages on the wounded side of his head, my fingers trembled with how much I was suddenly so very afraid. "Losing you. Losing you would definitely send me there again."

He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. "Point taken." He turned his head into my hand, letting his damaged cheekplate flick as much as it was able against my palm. "I promise not to try to catch any more rockets in my teeth."

"And I promise not to get spaced again."

"And I promise not to get so wrapped up in a vendetta, I can't see what you're really thinking."

I smiled. "And I promise not to get so obsessed with a mission that I forget about our friendship."

He pulled my hand down from his face and cupped it in both of his. "Deal. Now, should we see what poison Gardner's assembled for the crew tonight? I can hear your stomach growling from here."

I snatched my hand back and wrapped my arms around my waist defensively. "You cannot!"

"I certainly can! The cybernetics help, too." He actually winked at me before sauntering ahead of me out into the mess.


	29. Chapter 29

**Captain's Personal Log: Milky Way, Krogan DMZ**, **Aralakh System, Tuchanka: Battlemaster**

I swallowed down the urge to scream that clawed at my throat. It wouldn't sound like the scream of anger, of battle rage a krogan would expect at a time like this. I had enough sense left to me to know that what I wanted to scream out to the giant acid-spitting alien behind me was absolute terror. I molded my back to the metal strut and made a point to check the read out on my shotgun. I wanted to yank Garrus back with me and order him to stay put before that corrosive shit hit him. I wanted to throw Grunt to the ground and haul him somewhere safe.

As if anywhere was safe from one of these fuckers. Though I wasn't sure how the thing wasn't coming up in the middle of the arena. Apparently, the krogan had found a way to reinforce against thresher maws. The Alliance should give them a call. _You're hysterical_, a cold voice in the back of my mind warned me. _ No shit_, I told it.

"You all right, Shepard?" Garrus shouted as he crouched down next to me.

I blinked and glanced up at the sun-bleached sky then back to him. "Uh, yeah, just gimme a sec." Grunt crowed in the distance as he dodged another acid-spray.

"We don't have a second, Shepard." Most of his tone was calm, but I could hear the stress in his subharmonics because I was used to hearing it, usually when I did something boneheaded. Like right now. But, he was right. This not the time to lose it. I needed to get angry. What was it Zaeed said? "Rage was a hell of an anesthetic." It was a hell of a life saver, too. I took a deep breath and ducked my head around the column in time to see Grunt barely dodge another hit of acid. The maw shrugged off a hit from his claymore shotgun and ducked back down underground. _Cheater_.

I unslung the Cain from my back and readied a _Warp_ mnemonic. We needed to get that fucker's armor lower if the Cain was going to have any effect. "Alright, here's the plan. We need to chip away at the armor. Right now, the Cain's round will just bounce off."

Garrus stared at me, wide eyed. "You can't be serious. You're going to have to stand out of cover for far too long for that thing to fire. You'll be a sitting goose for the acid!"

"That's 'duck' Garrus. The word is 'duck'." He blinked at me. "Fine, idiom lessons later. Point is, we'll be here till the krogan cure the genophage themselves if we have to whittle that thing down with hand weapons."

"Just don't _Charge_ it." He told me.

"I'm crazy, Garrus, not suicidal." I grinned reassuringly. He didn't look convinced. I didn't really feel convinced. My pulse was still pounding in my ears and the better part of me wanted to run screaming back to Wrex's encampment with my tail between my legs. But I ducked around the steel strut and sized up the Maw's position. "Hey, Grunt? Keep that son of a bitch busy."

"You got it, Shepard!" His enthusiasm was just a little obnoxious, but at least one of us was having fun. The young krogan darted out from cover and shot the Maw, reloaded rapidly and shot it again before dodging another acid stream. I forced myself to exhale and fling the _Warp_ I'd prepared. Garrus shot it with a concussive round. The beast roared and dove beneath the surface.

I met Garrus' eyes and we raced to the next spot the thing was likely to emerge. We were forced to repeat our pattern several times as we tried to chip the tough plating of its hide away to leave a vulnerable spot for the sub-nuclear round to detonate against and do the most damage. Finally, Garrus shouted, "There, Shepard, look! On its left flank!"

"Thank fucking God," I panted. A hole had actually formed in the tough plating meant to protect it if it ever had to leave its planet of choice.

Now came the part neither Garrus nor I were looking forward to. Grunt nodded that he was ready to redouble his efforts at distraction. Garrus checked his rifle and nodded at me. He, too, was ready to play distraction, to keep the Maw above ground while the Cain powered up to let off its one devastating shot. My fingers shook as I typed in the commands for the weapon and raised it over my shoulder. Anger hadn't yet surfaced to make this easier, but at least I'd been able to function past the terror. And no flashbacks of Akuze had emerged to cripple me. No, my brain was kindly providing me with nightmare visions of Garrus sprayed by a lethal dose of the acid that thing liked to spew. Probably why I was finding it difficult to get angry.

I watched Garrus and Grunt out of the corner of my eye as I crouched next to the pylon, the Cain trained on the Maw as the monster turned its head from krogan to turian, spitting acid as they dodged. I wanted to keep my full attention on them, but I had to follow the Maw as it attempted to track them and ignore me. After all, from its myopic vision, I was just standing here. At least, for our plan to work, it needed to continue to think that.

Of course, none of my plans ever went right.

Just as the Cain gave the long, drawn-out beep of target acquired, the Maw noticed me. I hit the trigger, the Maw spat acid at me. I couldn't dodge, or the round wouldn't hit the space worm. I held my breath as everything moved in slow motion and I felt the acid hit the ground in front of me and I was knocked off my feet by what felt like a freight train. I hit the ground, my helmeted head bouncing off the concrete just as the round went off and the sky turned orange-white and the ground shook. An armored body covered my face as debris rained down on us while we rode out the brief shock wave.

I pushed at the armored body above me, guessing the identity from the familiarity. "Garrus? You alright?" The only response was a dual toned sound that might've been a curse word my translator didn't quite catch.

He sat back and looked at me steadily. "It's never boring with you around, Shepard."

I flopped back and regarded the whitened sky. "I dunno, Garrus, seems like you got up to plenty of trouble on your own without me."

Garrus wryly answered, "Don't remind me."

"Did you get sprayed?" I asked, attempting to keep visions of melting turian flesh from making my voice shake.

I exhaled when he shook his head. "No, did you?" My answer was drowned out by Grunt's crowing as he came toward us and I just shook my head and grinned at the young krogan's infectious cheer.

"That was a battle worthy of your skills, Shepard! Hell, it was a battle worthy of mine!" He stood back and roared to the sky, "I AM KROGAN!"

Too bad Uvenk had to kill the mood.

* * *

When we got back to the compound, Wrex regarded me steadily from under his heavy plates. "Shepard," he motioned me over to stand off to the side where we wouldn't be overheard.

I was still shaking from fighting that thresher maw on foot. Now that the fight was over, visions of Akuze danced in my head, filling my veins with ice and the back of my mind with images of Garrus and Grunt torn by Maws - ok, mostly Garrus. I wasn't really in the mood for my old friend to start fucking with me. But I followed him. Heck, he was a krogan, he wouldn't be insulted if I picked a fight with him. "Wrex." It was either that, or go back to the ship and see if I could get into another sparring match with Garrus, which I didn't have time for, no matter how appealing the idea (even if I wanted to see if it would turn into more than sparring) not if we were going to rescue Mordin's former assistant. I guess the rage had finally showed up. Better late than never.

I stood next to him, overlooking the varren pits, Garrus was watching Grunt attempt to pick random fights with his new clanmembers. "So, now that we got rid of Uvenk for you, anyone else you want taken out?" I asked, crossing my arms and clenching my fists. I needed to hit something. A lot of somethings.

The old krogan laughed, "You never miss a trick, do you? I'm not going to insult you by thanking you. Was he at least worth the ammo to put him down?"

I snorted. "Compared to the thresher maw, he went down like a bitch varren in heat. Or an asari maiden in Chora's den."

He outright guffawed at that one. "I'll try to make sure to aim you at a tougher enemy next time."

"I'll bet you will." The air was filled with dust on Tuchanka and the Urdnot ruins were no exception. I raised my canteen to my lips for a drink of water.

He grew quiet for a moment, "So, you and the turian, huhn?"

I choked, doubling over in a coughing fit. "You waited for me to do that on purpose, didn't you." I demanded, my voice hoarse.

His lips pulled back off his teeth in a krogan grin. Usually it's meant to be scary as hell, Wrex did it to be funny. He had a sick sense of humor. "Well?"

My voice still raw, I said. "I don't know what you're talking about." _ We weren't that obvious, were we? _

"Don't mistake me for a member of your idiot crew, Shepard. I know what a turian in lust looks like. And I think I watched you enough with that Alenko to know what you look like in heat." His tone was matter of fact and frank.

The thought of Garrus lusting after me made some of my anger dissipate and something low in my abdomen tighten. "Hah! I can smell it!" He all but shouted.

"Would you keep your voice down?" I demanded, putting away the canteen. "What the hell's wrong with you?" _ If we can figure out a way to make it work, then yeah, definitely."_

He laughed again, "Shepard, you're the toughest female I've ever run across and you know that's saying something. But you have got to be the thickest woman in the galaxy when it comes to men." He didn't wait for an answer, but barreled along with his theory, "That damned turian's probably the only member of his species I like, but he's even worse at this crap than you are. You're going to have to hit HIM over the head."

"What makes you think I haven't?" When he nearly doubled over laughing, I crossed my arms and raised one hand to pinch the bridge of my nose. "Why the hell are you telling me this, Wrex? Since when do you care who I fuck?"

He crossed his own short, powerful arms and narrowed the one red eye at me, "You've got a hell of a fight on your hands, Shepard. One I wish I could join. I know what you're up against. I can only assume since Alenko's not here with you, one of you dumped the other." I glanced away, that chapter was closed. "He was stupid enough to dump his battlemaster, I see. Even more reason for what I'm about to say next. I've been around a long time, I've seen a lot of crap come down over the centuries, Shepard. You catch more than your fair share. That bastard turian has been at your back catching it with you the entire time. Back on the _Normandy_, I thought it was just hero worship. But then I'd see him watching you. I don't even think he was aware of it. When you'd get off the lift and turn directly to engineering to go talk to that damned quarian girl, he actually seemed disappointed."

I snorted and played dumb. "Next you're gonna tell me he's still watching me." I tried not to think about that day in my quarters when he'd stroked my hair. Or our experimental kiss. The time on the Flotilla. The weeks since. It was becoming more and more difficult to remind myself that he was my officer. The memories made a shiver run down my back, my armor got a little warm. I thought about the conversation we'd had the other day, the promises we'd made. I fanned the flames of my anger, trying to chase away the thoughts. Tuchanka was not a place to get sentimental. Even if this great fool of a krogan battlemaster was doing it more than enough.

Another rumbling laugh. "If you look right now… he is."

I slowly turned my head, trying to look like I was scanning the perimeter of the settlement, Garrus was looking in my direction, but… wait…. Was he checking out my _ass_? He didn't seem aware that I was watching him watch me. I stood frozen in shock. That look was obvious enough I didn't need a body language translator for once. If that expression had been on a human male's face, I would have known exactly what to do about it.

I spun back to stare open-mouthed at the krogan who was grinning at me. "Is that… is that even _possible_?" _My God, he was actually, truly thinking about me like _that. It wasn't just academic, or blowing off steam... I didn't know whether to laugh or run scared shitless into the nearest thresher maw nest. I shouldn't have been surprised. He'd told me he wanted me, too. But, this wasn't just in private in the battery or lonely on the Flotilla. This was in public. Mostly. Not that a bunch of krogan other than Wrex would know how to read his expression. Somehow... seeing him watch me so openly it was nearly a shouted declaration of intent. I shivered.

He grinned wider and shrugged. "If you're talking about technically? The parts are there and in the right places. How do you humans put it? There's a tab 'A' for the slot 'B'."

I rubbed my eyes. "I _do not _want to know how you know that."

He chuckled. "The Extranet is for porn, Shepard."

"You're a dirty old man, Wrex." I shook my head. "I'll be back. I have a salarian to go rescue. And more trash to clean off your lawn." I waved my hand at the still laughing krogan leader and told Grunt to go back to the Normandy and send the professor out.

Garrus looked at me questioningly as I walked by. "What's he laughing about?"

"Apparently Grunt got seven breeding requests." I rolled my eyes. "And you and I should hook up."

His eyes widened. "Seven?" He paused. "Wait... he said _what?_"

I heard Wrex stump up behind me before I could reply, "Don't be so modest, Shepard!" He clapped me on the back, knocking me into Garrus who caught me by reflex. He didn't let go of me immediately, a fact which wasn't lost on the matchmaking krogan. "You've got some competition, turian! Shepard got a breeding request, too!"

Garrus set me back on my feet and I glared up at him, both for holding on to me and for being amused, his mandibles quivering with suppressed mirth. Mordin Solus chose that moment to appear. "Human mating with krogan? Painful for human, best to stretch first."

Garrus and Wrex laughed so hard at that they had to lean on each other for support. They looked up and saw my glare and laughed harder. My back ramrod straight, I marched over to talk to Wrex's chief scout.


End file.
